Brace yourselves- April Fools Day is coming. With that arrives the multitude of friends posting pictures of pregnancy tests when they aren’t pregnant, companies that serve a 3,000 calorie burger claiming the be releasing a turkey burger and causing public upheaval- and many rumored celebrity deaths.
As I have gotten older, I have become harder to fool on the day of fools. I know when it’s coming and I choose not to believe a damn word ANYONE says on that day. You’d better hope not to be announcing any real news, because mama ain’t havin’ it. That being said, I do still love a good prank. I watch all the pranking shows and laugh hysterically; I have even been known to pull a good one or two back in my heyday- but with these two little humans following me around everywhere and not much of a social life to speak of- ME doing the actual pranking anymore? Didn’t seem possible.
When I was int he first or second grade, I was sitting in school with all of my little classmates when one of their moms walked into the room. This wasn’t completely unusual, but our teacher stopped the whole class and told us there was an announcement to make. That is when they dropped the bomb. Let’s just call this kid Jake, although to be honest, it was so long ago I can’t remember if it was a boy or a girl. With huge grins on their face, the teacher announced “Jake’s mom won the lottery and is taking all of you to DISNEY WORLD!”
Cue absolute mayhem. Screaming and crying and clapping and jumping and things being tossed in the air out of absolute glee. This went on for a solid 3 minutes until we began to calm a little and we heard them yell in unison “APRIL FOOLS!”
We all stopped in our tracks. April Fools? What is April Fools? I’ve heard of this but it isn’t registering. You mean…. You mean we’re NOT going to Disney? There were about 20 heartbroken little turds that day, me being one of them. I didn’t have much in my little life to be mad about- but I was LIVID. Why would you joke with a 6-7 year old like that? WHY??? THAT’S SO MEAN!!!!
It’s not that I think pranking little kids is wrong- I just think a prank of that level is downright cruel to pull on a little one. If you’re going to pull an April Fools day prank on derpy kids- you need to make sure it is suited for them. You especially need to make sure it isn’t going to scar them for life.
I’m still pissed about Disney.
I AM HERE TO HELP! I have compiled a list of pranks approved (By me. Because I’m so trustworthy and knowledgeable and everything) for your wee ones that won’t leave them with a complex in need of therapy as an adult. These won’t be your boring old cheesy run of the mill “dye their milk blue! herrr herrrrr!” pranks- these are real pranks- y;know, so we can feel like normal functioning adults again.
1. MMMMMM Mayo donuts!
One of the easiest ways to trick little kids is with food. Silly miniature humans are just so gullible! Plus their senses of smell would never outweigh their trust of dear old mom and dad!
Wake those suckers up on April first and claim to have brought home a box of DELICIOUS cream filled donuts. Only….
Be sure to have your camera handy- because I would put money on that the reaction they have is worth America’s Funniest Home Videos GOLD. Don’t quote me on that- but I’d watch it and laugh.
2. The ol’ saran-wrapped toilet trick
It’s really quite simple. Take Saran Wrap. Lift lid of toilet. Proceed to cover the pot- making sure to pull the sheet of wrap long enough to tuck underneath the toilet so that it will not be detected.
4. Bed Bugs
Fill their bed with fake bugs for them to discover when they least expect it. I say bugs because if you do it with a snake or a spider- that is likely to leave deep mental scares. Yes, I would know. So bugs!
You KNOW they are eventually going to do this shit to you. Why not beat them to the punch??
5. Freaky ass face mask
Many women see the green face mask as one of the ultimate signs of relaxation.
Honestly- I had to stop at 5 pranks or I’d be tempted to tell you to saran wrap their doorway while they sleep and then sit outside of their room and wait for hilarity to ensue- because NOTHING is funnier than a saran-wrapped doorway and a mushed face… but for some reason, I think they’d become a recluse after that- and let’s be real here- we NEED them to get the hell out of the house every now and then or we really will become freaky chick in prank #5 only with no mask needed.
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