Laugh at your kids and people will laugh at you: The story of the "Fastpoke"

Today I am going to tell you a story. One that may be familiar to you, or may not be- but likely will be soon. Especially if you laugh at it.
Okay, I’m kidding. This isn’t some stupid ass chain letter that you accidentally start reading before you realize it’s a chain letter and then at the end of the first sentence it basically swears if you stop reading you’ll die. No. You CAN laugh at this story- but just know… that is how this whole mess started in the first place.

I know that we’ve discussed this here before. You’ve probably even discussed it with your friends. We’re adults, sometimes we can’t help to where our brain travels- and once you have gone beyond a certain age where you HEAR certain things and know certain things and know people do certain things to other people- you can’t UNHEAR it. So when someone else says something that sounds like one of those things, even though it isn’t, it’s totally innocent… well… you laugh anyway.
Isn’t that how “That’s what she said?” came about?

With a brain that is taking frequent trips to the gutter, being a ‘mature’ parent is not an easy task. Kids, little ones specifically, often know not what they say or how it sounds to the depraved adult brain. Many people will tell you it is the wrong thing to do to laugh at these instances (or as I like to call them “accidental comedic gems”)- as it encourages them to say these kinds of things again (kind of like curse words) but I have NEVER missed an opportunity to get a big honkin’ snort after my kid rattles off something that is nothing out of the ordinary, or dirty, or inappropriate because it came from a mouth attached to brain of someone who couldn’t even begin to comprehend why you think it’s so funny, NEVER! I actually quite enjoy them! They are some of my favorite moments of the day.

Who would have ever thought that the Karma train comes back for those who laugh at children. What the hell is wrong with laughing, Karma? Huh? Who is it hurting? THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY SAID!
Only Karma has a little twist; a trick up her proverbial sleeve. You know how people say (probably the same people who say don’t laugh at your damn kids) that you reap what you sow? Well, Karma takes that with a dash of “I’m rubber and your glue” (only fitting when we’re dealing with kids, right?)
Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you times ten. Here I thought this just applied to outwardly good deeds and bad deeds- yeah, no. That’s how she tricks you.
Kinda like when you go to one of those rent to own scams for a new couch and the prices look SO good and you think “yeah I can afford that monthly payment!” only to realize that by the time you’re done paying those payments which include interest you could have bought TWO couches. Fuck all that.
That’s Karma. Karma should be a politician because holy shit can she find some ridiculous loopholes.

Two days ago, the boys were arguing. There is nothing abnormal about them arguing because I swear to Christ on a Bicycle arguing is ALL they ever do anymore. I thought I had a solid buffer from birth to 5 years for BOTH of them, but much to my chagrin it appears the buffer is only good for one kid. There’s no B1G1 here.
What they were arguing about I really couldn’t tell you. After the 5th argument in a day it’s honestly impossible to keep track of the subject matter, all you here is a singular obnoxious whine that you want to stop. That is all.
All I know is whatever the shit they were whine-arguing about was holding us all up from doing something else that I also can’t remember because by that point my brain was the consistency of tapioca pudding.
It’s possible the middle names even came out, but I cannot confirm or deny this- all I know for sure is that I was telling them to hurry the hell UP. I mean REALLY. Come ON! I SAID COME ON!

Holden, totally exasperated (life as a 5 year old is so tough!), huffs “Okay okay! I’m a slowpoke,” and Parker, not to be outdone- because he refuses to EVER be outdone- says “And I’m a FASTPOKE!”
I’m not ashamed of my pervy brain. It didn’t even take a millisecond to register how accidentally pervy that statement was, and I erupted in laughter. Laughter and snorts.
“What???? WHAT???”– and all I could do was giggle and motion to him that it was nothing. But he KNEW it was not nothing.
If there is one thing Parker hates more than being laughed at when he’s not being funny, it’s being laughed at when he’s not being funny and not being told why. And THAT is pretty damn funny too.

Karma disagreed. Karma let me go the whole day giggling about this, regaling the story to others until the very next day.

Per usual, Parker was taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER to eat lunch. We are on a strict ass schedule of “slam your face with food, hurry up and nap, wake the fuck up and get Holden”– all of these things HAVE to happen within a certain slot of time. Leaving your kid at school is frowned upon this day and age.

Frustrated, I was chatting with a friend about how painfully long lunch was taking when we were already running late. Without even thinking, I said “Fastpoke my ass!” and immediately wanted to slam my foot into my mouth as this friend (though I am reconsidering) laughed and laughed and laughed. Much like I laughed at Parker for saying “Fastpoke” the first time.
I know what I meant. “Friend” knew what I meant- but damnit if it didn’t sound embarrassingly wrong. NO I DON’T WANT TO BE FASTPOKED IN MY ASS! Take head, pound on desk.
I am completely convinced that this is Karma’s payback for laughing at my poor innocent little 3 year old child with the cherub cheeks and giant brown eyes who knows not what he says.
Or maybe that’s just what he wants us all to think- don’t get me started on the conspiracy that children are evil diabolical geniuses.

I guess that there is really only one question to ask here: Did I learn my lesson not to laugh at the accidentally pervy things my kids might say?

Absolutely not.


And I’m STILL laughing at “Fastpoke.”

Posted on February 7, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
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