Historically, what exactly IS Valentine’s Day? Is it really about some creepy naked fat baby with wins and a weapon floating around and shooting arrows at people to make them fall in love? Valentine’s day is all about flowers and candy and love and romance, right? No. Not so much. Not so much at all.
Saint Valentine was a priest who, against the wishes of his emperor believed in marrying young people, and did so behind the emperor’s back. And then he was sentenced to a 3 part execution because of it.
Alright… I guess that’s KIND OF romantic. A man who believed in love and marriage so strongly that he died for it. The execution part I could do without when I’m thinking of being wined and dined.
How it got spun into the chunky assed cherub floating around or a reason to shower your significant other (or the one you wish was) with flowers and chocolate, I don’t know. And I’m tired of Googling. A lot of my friends protest this day as a holiday manufactured by the card companies to mooch an extra buck off of the consumer by making them feel guilty for NOT participating since everyone else does…but let’s be truthful here: we humans like to celebrate everything.
Groundhog day- seriously? We’re still doing this? With the weirdo cult members in their felt top hats who yank that poor fucker out of the ground just so he can “look for his shadow” when we already know it’s decided months before hand in their creepy felt hat cult clubhouse? Sorry, not even Bill Murray can make the day appealing.
FLAG DAY? Hooray for some stripes and circles and colors and stars! One might argue it’s just pride for your country- but maaaaaan, I can argue you should do that every day. I like my flag, but I don’t need to throw a party for it or have a day named for it.
Let’s not even get me started on the atrocity that is Columbus day. Have mercy, I’ll give myself heart palpitations.
Now, don’t you dare start asking “But Jenny, what about ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’? or Halloween?”– I don’t care how fucking pointless people think they are. They are awesome. And you should be ashamed for ever questioning it!
Even though I may not understand why we celebrate all of these things, or why banks are closed or school is out- I still sit back and say- why the hell NOT? Life is short. Let’s totally celebrate that nice honkin’ turd you just pinched- YAY COLON! It’s colon day! Everyone buy each other some yogurt and get those intestines moving!
Can we have a National Theme Park Day where we all get into the nearest theme park for free? Shit, it probably already exists. Like Peanut Butter Day- which I can’t really argue with because I love peanut butter.
We don’t really “celebrate” a lot of holidays like others do- especially not ones that include jewelry (which I would kill Thomas for wasting money on) or flowers (which I am allergic to and I would kill Thomas for spending money on) or wining and dining and shmoopy poopy romance because it isn’t exactly our style… but I gotta say- any day where I can harass the ever living shit out of my husband to get me chocolate if he wants to live to see another day and blame it on a holiday… sounds like a good fucking time to me!
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