Are my kids annoying you? Good! Wait.. I mean BAD! No, GOOD!

You wanna know what I really can’t stand- no- HATE? You wanna know what I HATE? Of course there’s foot fungus and the smell of the dirty laundry basket and morning breath- but something I hate even more than the powers of those two things combined?

psssshhhhhhh. yeah right.

When I’m with one or both of my kids somewhere with someone who hasn’t spent a whole hell of a lot of time with them on a continual basis but has had me vent to them on occasion about what raging terrors they are being and how really, this time MIGHT just be the time I up and lose my fucking mind instead of just threatening to if I have to hear “NO, MINE!” one more time, and by the power of Zeus- for ONCE they are behaving like civilized human beings, and this person says something to me along the lines of:
“Your kid/s is/are being SO good! I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about when you say he/they misbehaves all the time!”

Ever have a moment where you stop dead in your tracks and your brain (and maybe your mouth) goes “HOLD THE FUCK UP! WHAT did you just say to me?”
and even though you usually try to be polite, you’re pretty sure there’s just no option here other than putting them in their damn place?
That is what I hate. HATE IT!

It’s not like I have much of a social life or attend a lot of playdates- but I do often find myself around other parents and other kids. And when I find myself in these situations, I also find that these kids often throw fucking FITS. I’m no doctor- but I would classify most children as having “Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde Syndrome.”
They go from sweet and snuggling to raging and foaming from the mouth in the blink of an eye or upon hearing the word “no”- one might think they even went under some kind of hypnosis to have such an immediate reaction to such simple every day things- but no. It’s just kids.
I’m not a doctor and I’m also not perfect at reading the emotions of others- but it would appear at times that the other people with the kids who have suddenly snapped into foaming Mr. Hyde are embarrassed that their sweet little baby is suddenly experiencing a fit of roid rage. They might be embarrassed- but it doesn’t even faze me a bit. I’m so used to kids acting a fool that I just kind of shrug while internally being slightly thankful that for once it wasn’t mine- and that mine aren’t the ONLY ones who do this. Kids will be kids, much to our dismay at times.

Even though I know this, and YOU know this- there is a THEY- and THEY do not know this. Or they do and they just want to be shitheads about how often we threaten to tear out our hair and drag them to a wig shop for a new do.

It is for them..er… they, that I get some kind of sick satisfaction, even a little giddy, when they are present for a mind-numbing child meltdown. You know the kind- the ones where the nose blows booger bubbles and there is a long string of spit hanging from the bottom lip that for SOME reason never gets wiped away- as if they know that it makes them look even more pathetic and helpless.

That’s right- oh naysaying naysayer of childhood assholish tendencies! Listen to that screeching! Witness, as they progress into the mouth open red-faced hypersonic scream! Try to get away from it! You can’t! It follows you!
NOW do you think I was full of shit? Hmm? Do you? I hope you enjoy that headache that will last the rest of the day.It’s quite lovely, is it not?

Suddenly, a twinge of responsibility and maternal instinct kicks in and I think to myself: shit, my kid is acting like an asshole in front of people. That is bad!
It’s a double edged sword (as I have found MANY things are with kids.)
I WANT you to know that I am not a crapass parent who lets my kids act like assholes all the time- but I also WANT you to have the SHIT annoyed out of you by them so you know I’m not fucking insane and making shit up because I have zero patience.

There is this spot I’ve heard of.. it’s between a rock and a hard place. I think they call it “parenthood.” Okay, maybe THEY don’t- but we do. We know better.

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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