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You might be getting old if….

To those who are older than me, you will be thinking “Oh please, you little brat!”, if you’re younger than me, you’ll be thinking “Oh, I am so sorry. Would you like the early bird discount?” and for those the same age, you will be kicking my shin under the table as a sign to shut the fuck up about it already.

In 5 days, it will be my birthday. This birthday will begin my very last year of my 20s before this old battle ax of a human vehicle rolls over in miles to the big 3-0. I am far less than pleased about it.

What’s that you say? Why yes, I have in fact heard that many women consider their 30s to be the best years of their lives. Their sex drive is at an all time high, they feel more confident and better about themselves and their bodies; or that’s what I’m told anyway.

I’m aware that age is just as number, and you’re only as old as you feel (so feel something young- bow chicka!) and all of that crap that people tell you to make you feel better instead of telling the truth that YES, you ARE in fact getting older- and the general consensus is that “young” is 20’s and under. What the hell is 30’s? It’s not even middle age but for some reason it just FEELS different. It feels different and I’m still a year away from it (a year and 5 days if we’re being technical… and oohhhh I so am.)

Even with the argument that 30 is not “old,” and blah blah blahing about age- age IS age. Age does rise over the years and you do get older and feel older- and damnit, I don’t care if you think I’m still a baby, I feel old as balls- and it’s NOT just because of the number I will turn on Wednesday.
The age creeping up on me was only the beginning. I could even handle the wrinkles… okay, no I couldn’t- but I suppose I didn’t have much of a choice without botox and mama doesn’t have that kind of cash.

So there was the age, and the wrinkles- both things I could not do too much about without a boatload of money or the fountain of youth. Learn to live with it. See it as… experience. Accept it as the new you- the person who laughed too much or made too many expressive faces. Men become more distinguished- why are wrinkles “bad” for us? Let me just talk myself up… and then bathe myself in wrinkle serum and hope for the best.
You throw the chronic back pain and the dozing off on the couch at 10pm and it becomes hard to resist your new self-label as “old”- but still, I talked myself down. I’m still in my twenties! People are still surprised that I have two kids! I still laugh at poop humor. I’m young! Stupid back and wrinkles and age can’t keep me down!

Just when you think your body and your mind and possibly even your boobs are done fucking with you and your pyche- the hair goes. GRAYS! Damn those grays! But those are an easy fix, right? You just gotta color your hair! Color that stupid hair and BYE BYE grays!
Unfortunately, when you first get them, what you are blissfully unaware of is that dye does not like to stick to hair strands with no pigment, because they are bitches and like to look like tinsel sticking out of your scalp.

I’m 28, about to turn 29, and my scalp looks like a Christmas tree. This is unacceptable!

Even still- this is not proof of my old age. My brother had a gray patch on his stupid head when he was about 6. I used to call him a fairy. It was fantastic.

What makes me old and possibly insane is what I chose to do next.

I know you can buy products to put on your hair in between colorings (after a disaster of epic proportions I am no longer allowed to color my own)- but just like an old crabby lady, I am CHEAP and that shit ain’t gonna fly, so ya know what I did? I went into the boys’ craft cabinet, got a brown market and COLORED MY GRAY HAIRS. I COLORED THEM. WITH A MARKER.

You know you’re getting old when you color your gray hairs with a marker. Seriously.

You’re thinking I’m totally insane, right? But it WORKED. No more grays! Well, as long as I don’t touch my scalp… then it will look like I was picking my ass after a giant shart.
My cheap old lady ass found a free fix for the grays… so I went and stole every brown marker in the house. Shameless. Absolutely shameless.
I must be getting loony in my old age.

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 14 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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14 Comments

  • Just wait. It gets even better. Two words for you; boob hair. Uh-huh. It happens. Be thankful for your gray hair, cuz the first time you have to pluck a pube off the boobie, it’s a bad, bad day!

  • I just had my 29th birthday in December.. enjoy this last year in your 20’s!

    I have to say though… I have no wrinkles or greys but I have thrown my back out making the bed, and vacuuming the floor.

  • I’m trying to pretend I did not read the boob hair comment before mine. I wish there was a blonde sharpie.

  • Too funny, as usual. Of course growing older is much better than the alternative of NOT.

  • I am only 24, and I must say about the boob hair…I got those with my first pregnancy. At 18! As for the bad back, been there for a while. They say you’re only as young as you feel? Well, I guess my true age is around 90 then! LOL I love your blogs and sense of humor. Keep ’em coming!

  • Honey, aging is NOT for sissies!! It is actually a bitch! I am 30 in my mind, but my body is like 94 – if you split the difference, I guess the truth of 54 comes out, LOL!!

  • This was a HYSTERICAL post.

    Loved it.

    I’ll be 29 next year.

    I try to forget that I’m 28… and that I will be 29… and that 30 COMES AFTER THAT.

    But, for now, I relish in the fact that I am 28 and my sister is 32… so I can call her old.

    **giggles**

    not that YOU are old. You are still a member of the 20’s club..
    But, if you want to laugh at my sister with me…
    You are more than welcome!

  • wait until you start getting thicker chin hairs!

  • I’ve never thought to color them with a marker. You might be crazy for that, I guess. I can’t really say. I tend to think that’s frickin’ genius! Werd.

  • I am 32.. here to confirm boob pubes! Haha.. it is great! I, however, don’t have any grey hair.. my husband does though and he is 31! Here is old.. I am 32, its Saturday. .saint patty’s day weekend.. and I am totally fine with coloring with my kids with Dora playing on the tv for our evening events 🙂

  • That’s hilarious! Never thought of that one. More and more of the hairs on my head have been turning to silver since I was 21, which did not USED to bother me, because I was still in my 20’s after all. I’m 31 now and dye my hair religiously (most of the silver is right around my temples and ears where it is most noticeable, of course), but though I hated turning 29, I have found that being in my 30’s is actually pretty badass. It somehow comes with a stronger sense of confidence, and it cracks me up how people react when they find out my age (everyone thinks I’m much younger). Somehow being 30-something gets people to automatically treat you with more respect when they realize you are older and wiser than they thought upon first sight. Not a bad perk. Enjoy still being 20-something while it lasts!

  • My 30’s were fabulous… as soon as I got over the idea of actually being 30-ish. I can attest to the fact that the sex was and still is …. Bow-Chica-Bow-Wow…. I’m over a decade past my 30th so I have some hindsight once you get past that same point you’ll enjoy them too.

  • I’m turning 29 this year also. Definitely not looking forward to it. The thing to make myself feel better is look at my husband…who’s 9 years older. Then everything is all dandy. (when he talks about the 80s I gotta remind him that I wasn’t even a sperm in my dad’s ballsack. Depending what year he’s talking about of course)

  • I turned 30 almost 5 yrs ago and I barely noticed it happen. Probably because I have always had a bad back {thanks to accidents when I was 12, 16 and 21} and had grey hair when I was only 20. Now days yes I am getting older but it just does not matter to me. {Though I do dye my hair, only because I like it black and blood not almost black brown.)