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"Girls don’t poop"- and other myths about females

In my early twenties, I found myself in a relationship with a dorky kind of dude who had a lack of experience in basically… everything… due to being horribly babied by his over-protective and ridiculously rich parents. He was a perfectly nice person- I’m not sure what we ever found in common in order to last the 2 years that we did though. My twenties were strange. Due to this lack of experience in things of the world, there were times in our courtship that I honestly could not tell if he was joking about or if he was serious; and if he was serious, he was even more sheltered than I thought.

I can’t remember the exact words he used or the look on his face- but one day during some kind of conversation that I have likely blacked out from my memory, he pondered aloud that he thought women peed from the same hole babies came out of.

Are you laughing? Did you audibly gasp? Did you snort liquid through your nose and get that uncomfortable burning sensation in your sinus cavity? I did all of those things all those years ago. He can’t be serious, right? He’s gotta be fucking with me, because how can a grown man (If we’re talking in a legal sense here) ACTUALLY think that about the female anatomy?

Suddenly I found myself taken back to kindergarten when all of the boys in class thought girls peed and pooped and popped babies out of the same hole I am guessing it is this line of thought that coined the term “child rearing”– because otherwise that shit still doesn’t make sense to me.

Dorky boyfriend wasn’t joking. At least, I don’t think he was- because if he were I wouldn’t have had to explain to him the truth. Talk about a sexy conversation to have with a dude you’re dating.

From that moment on, every now and then I have to wonder if someone that smart can be that stupid when it comes to females and the intricate details of our bodies…. how many other smart men have the same stupid thoughts? I think it’s about time someone finally told the lowdown dirty truth about the ladies, don’t you? No? But it’s for the good of the people! Married or not- I am skeeved by the notion that dudes might be roaming the earth thinking I squeeze a baby out of the same hole I pee from. It goes back to this whole stupid ass line of thought that girls don’t poop or fart or do anything gross because… why? Because we’re girls and are supposed to be dainty flowers.

We might not be able to lift stupidly heavy crap and the thought of leaving hair on our legs might make us cringe- and SURE, some of us even like girly frilly pink lacy little things- but our bodies don’t exactly follow suit with our taste. WE ARE GROSS. Actually, scratch that- we are probably even GROSSER than dudes, and it’s about time the truth came out.

First off- GIRLS POOP. Yes. We do. Maybe even more than dudes. Don’t make me explain “period poop” to you, ’cause I’ll do it if you don’t cut this shit out (see what I did there?) I don’t know where this thought started or why the joke is still told or even if people really believe it. I mean… logically… what would our bodies do with waste of there was no poop coming out the same way yours does? I think trying to figure that out is far more horrifying than learning that we all make stinky shit.
Oh, and we fart too. And no, they don’t smell like roses.

Did you also know we have nipples, only ours leak?? Yep, you read that right. Leaky boobs- oh, they can also get infected. Aren’t boobs wonderful?
We have noses that make boogers, we grow hair in the same places you do.

PMS is not a myth nor is it an excuse to make men’s lives hell. It’s real and it’s awful and you’re lucky we don’t resort to bodily harm during that time; and yes- you SHOULD fear something that bleeds for a week straight and doesn’t die. Along the same vein- just because we’re in a mood does not mean we’re “being hormonal”- and you’d be wise not to suggest so unless you have a death wish. And no, I’m not being hormonal.

Not all women want children. What’s that? You heard something about a biological clock? Those only exist for those who have the desire to procreate, and just like men- it’s not for everyone. And it doesn’t make us any MORE of a woman to have children.

Oh, and we don’t all know how to cook. Or bake. Or maybe we want to but we’re AWFUL at it and would likely accidentally poison you. The vagina is not a magical cooking tool for anything but more human life and maybe some yeast- but not the kind you can make bread with.
In other words- Learn how to make your own fucking sandwich. And make us one while you’re in there.

Brace yourself for this one- WE DO NOT POOP OUT BABIES. No. We don’t. We might poop when we HAVE babies, but they do not come out of our asses. The only thing that comes out of our asses is shit. Not humans. Unless you’re a cannibal. We also don’t pee out babies. Can you IMAGINE trying to push a child out of a pee hole? I mean the truth is bad enough but that’s just downright awful.
If you want to get technical here- there are three holes. One teensy one for pee. One for babies (and if you’re lucky enough, this is the hole you’ll get to put your penis in. I wouldn’t suggest trying to shove it up the pee hole)- which is the same one periods come out of. What the hell did you think tampons were for? It didn’t click that the tampon would have to be far smaller to go in the.. I just…. no… don’t even try to explain that one.
And then, of course, a poop hole. Just like a dude.

I could go on for hours to be honest with you- but I won’t. The fact of the matter is- women are just as disgusting as men, just for different reasons. Now can we all go and have a nice relaxing shit and laugh about it together?

 

Posted on January 14, 2013 by Holdin' Holden 9 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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9 Comments

  • Heh heh, that’s the fantasy you try to live out when you first get together. After 15 years together and 5 kids, there are no more illusions in this marriage.

  • WOW! Every time I come here and read one of your posts I laugh maniacally, you are the BUSINESS woman. And yes, the truth needed to be shared, don’t even get me started on sexual holes on my blog! That is TONS of fun to talk about to men!

  • PMS is not a myth nor is it an excuse to make men’s lives hell. It’s real and it’s awful and you’re lucky we don’t resort to bodily harm during that time; and yes- you SHOULD fear something that bleeds for a week straight and doesn’t die.

    ~Can I just say this is the most epic line I have EVER read. You are a total goddess for having said it. I’m still wiping tears of laughter away….

  • Here’s a little fun fact about girl farts for ya! Did you know that woman actually fart or have the potential to fart more tyan men? Why, you ask? Well we actually have 6 inches more of intestines to make it around our uterus, so an extra 6 inches to build up some gas!
    Love your blog and book! You can always make me laugh!

  • My 17 yr old son has made some observations about his girlfriend. Namely, that she farts. He does not seem surprised by this in the slightest (he also has a sister and she is pretty gross, so maybe any illusions he might have developed were quickly squashed by her presence…) Anyway, the thing that he finds the most amusing is that he is usually only aware that she has farted when she turns about 35 shades of pink and is clearly aghast by this having happened. He could not care less, but he is also smart enough to completely ignore the situation and very carefully make absolutely, positively NO comments that might in any way at all be construed as indicating that he is in any way, shape, or form aware of her situation. LOL I just laughed and told him that he was a very smart young man and would do fine. 😉

  • Haha omg I love reading your posts.. frigging hilarious. So a friend of mine in front of the Guy she was dating asked me what does it mean if a girl doesn’t poop (talking about herself). My answer: you’re full of shit.

  • Oh my! Reminds me of a conversation I had with my first boyfriend, who was a bit older than I was, who actually tried explaining to me that women get constipated during their periods because the body needed all the available water it could get to ‘flush’ out the uterine lining. He then argued with me when I told him that absolutely everything he said was incorrect. I hope I set him straight, but he lives in his own strange little world, so he may still think he’s right!

  • Love this. My husband, when we were first going out, actually thought that yogurt CAUSES yeast infections. Lucky for me, his comment was made in front of both myself and his mother! Boy, did we set him straight! You hit the nail right dead-center on the head!

  •  “The vagina is not a magical cooking tool for anything but more human life and maybe some yeast- but not the kind you can make bread with.”

    Could not help but laugh (and cringe) at this. you’re the best