The lone va-jay; Resistance is futile

Being the only female in a house full of males was never part of the master plan. Well, not that there ever really was a master plan in the first place- but I had IDEAS! DREAMS! And being surrounded by peen was not one of them- not even at my boy craziest fangirl obsessive times.

It took a couple of years and two pregnancies to figure out that there was just no way around it. I guess it’s just fate to never shoot vaginas out of my vagina (and I have no plans to try again any time soon if ever to see if the coin lands on the hotdog or hamburger side) and to instead rule as Queen of the hive. Isn’t there only one female in a hie of bees? Well, whatever- let’s pretend either way. QUEEN BEE! That’s me!
I didn’t intend for that to rhyme, but I’m going with it.

Even when I tried to break up the overwhelming amount-o-peen in this house by getting a female dog to help when I began to feel overwhelmed or like the peen was the Borg and trying to assimilate me and I had to check downstairs to make sure there was no unusual growth happening… SOMEHOW I still managed to bring home another little boy.
What the?? Maybe Borg-Peen was right- resistance is futile.

Now that I have accepted my fate as the Lone Ranger- I suppose I could use it to my advantage. When you are the only member of a certain gender residing in a home, you tend to notice a lot more of the nasty disgusting and vile shit they do because you have to put up with an overwhelming amount of it. All the time.
I won’t say things of the vagina-y nature aren’t gross- but considering the fact that I don’t own a penis or testicles and don’t let the fart fly from my ass while sitting around the dinner table- I tend to notice habits of the opposite gender all the time.
I wish I didn’t… but I do. And I could complain about EVERY single one of them and rightfully so!

I could bitch and moan about the toilet seat never being down and that the rim is constantly disgusting and I KNOW that shit ain’t from me- and I have before, but for some reason I rarely bring it up anymore. Oh, I could definitely make a huge stink about dirty boy underwear being left all over the house. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want ANYONE else handling my unders and I make sure to put the dirty ones in a place that the whole world can’t see them. Even with the skid marks and remnants of shart stains and whatever foul odor is emanating from them- they are still left on the floor for me to pick up and put in the dirty clothes hamper. Which is usually only a few feet away. MAN what a fit I could throw over that!
And then there’s the booger picking and subsequent eating. I mean sure, I pick my nose- who DOESN’T? But I don’t linger or go spelunking for buried green treasure the way boys do. I also don’t bite my toenails OR wipe my butt and then sniff the paper. Fucking EW.
No, I don’t do those things- and we ladies are kinda gross… but I would imagine those things are dominantly DUDE things to do.

But I don’t complain about this nastiness that often. Why? WHY?!?!
Why don’t I go completely batshit crazy and start breaking dishes against walls and then go on some kind of strike like other fed up moms, build myself a tree fort in the front yard and hang up a giant sign about how I just can’t take it anymore, catching the attention of the local news, and refuse to come back down and wash a single dish or make a single sammich until things change?

Do you want the TRUTH?

There is only one thing I really want to complain about. ONE SIMPLE THING. One thing that pisses me off more than anything else in this house of horrors…. and I can’t.
I can’t because, well… the truth is that it’s probably MY fault.

I am the only female in this house.
I am the only female in this house which means I am the only one who wipes when I go pee.
I am the only female in this house which means I am the only one who wipes when I go pee which means I am using the most toilet paper.

I am the only female in this house which means I am the only one who wipes when I go pee which means I am using the most toilet paper which means when it runs out and I’m stuck on the pot cursing about how there is no paper, and there ends up being no paper in the ENTIRE rest of the house- it doesn’t matter who was the last one to use it. It doesn’t matter if no one bothered to replace it- ’cause I pee three times as much as anyone else poos.

There is nothing I want to bitch at them more than using the last of the toilet paper and leaving me to wipe my hoo-ha with the nearest towel or screaming for a shard of paper towel, and on those HORRID occasions- with the empty roll and then shoving it to the bottom of the trashcan so no one finds out my shameful secret- but I CAN’T, because when the house runs out of TP, it’s because I used it all dabbing up my pee in the first place.

Being a chick is tough, man. We get bleeding nethers every single month, cramps, achy boobs, have to tear ourselves to pieces, worry about headlights being turned on or toes looking like camels; wrinkles make us look haggy instead of “distinguished”… I mean, f’real- it must be nice not to have to deal with ANY of that and instead be able to drip dry!
If it weren’t for the whole “carried my kids inside of me and forced new amazing life unto this planet” thing, I’d totally let the Peen-Borg assimilate me.
And get your friggin’ head out of the gutter!

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 6 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I feel your pain, in the complete opposite sense. Only male, wife and two little she-bots (oh, and 2 female cats and a female dog… but they’re all pre-kids and thankfully nearing the end).

    Little girls are nasty… but after reading your post, in completely different ways and you may need to get your men checked out, lol.

    And no, we’re not trying for a boy. The risk is too great for failure. Her dad had 3 girls. My brothers (2) have 4 girls, her sisters have 4 more, 10 for those counting and no peens for this gang since my dad stopped popping those out with my brothers and I. Guess my girls will be learning to play football…

  • Omg! Get out of my head! I am also the lone va-jay in my house, save my female dog, who, at 14 years old, really doesn’t count. My boys are 2 & 3 months old, and I was really hoping this new one was gonna balance things out, but alas, more peen. And the rest of these eggs are on lockdown…FOREVER! Being the youngest of seven girls, I’m having trouble wading through the testosterone…I may just have to adopt to keep my sanity…

  • Jenny, Jenny, Jenny! Dearest….I feel your pain! I have 3to boys plus the man-child. I do, however, have a mini me who is only 22 months old…so, she doesn’t count yet. I sure as hell may pee alot, but I still blame the squirrels and nuts of the house. Why? Here is my justification; boys are gross, boys are smelly, boys are gassy. If I take all those facts into account, it is inevitable that they shart more than I tinkle. Therefore, it is THEIR fault when I (even in my personal bathroom) and the entire house run out of the cottony like goodness! 🙂

  • Ha! Love the bit about having to use the empty toilet paper roll…& then shoving it to the bottom of the trash can so nobody sees 😀 Good to know I’m not the only one who’s been forced to do it!

  • SO the story of my life. I am a 28 yr old mother of a 3 yr old and an 8 yr old, stepmother to a 9 yr old, 17 yr old and an 18 yr old. ALL BOYS. Plus the hubby. But it is NEVER my fault that we run out of TP in this house. They all do what I refer to as the ‘baseball mitt’ They wrap the toilet paper around their hands so many times they could catch a fast ball and never feel it. Yet with that much TP being utilized, the skid marks are abundant amongst all of them. Their undies must be dark colors, that way the streaks are less noticable. And if dirty undies are in the floor, they dont get washed, cuz I WILL NOT touch them.

  • I’m the same way i go for butt wipes feels great if out of toilet paper , but my biggest peeves are my husband leaving his dirty smelling work clothes over the heat vent in the bathroom in which lingers thru the whole house. All i can say thank god i don’t have balls the smell is more rancid then the worst smelling baby poop ever. The 2nd one is just leaving an empty roll of tp on the holder and putting the new one chilling on the bath tub. Really men why is it you can take a 30min shit but can’t put the roll on the holder.