Fasten your seatbelts, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! It’s the apocalypse, y’all! Or… at least… that’s what some people think tomorrow is. Oh noes, the Mayans predicted the “end of the world” would land on 12/21/12- a civilization that mysteriously vanished from the face of the earth. They didn’t predict THAT one, yet somehow they predicted our demise?
Let’s go with it. The world is ending! Or maybe just the world as we know it. SOME kind of apocalypse of SOME sort is going to hit us. I wonder what kind? Will it be the zombie apocalypse? Or… maybe a plague of locusts, or a super ice storm where Jake Gyllenhaal and his Pop will just barely save the world because no one takes them seriously until it’s almost too late? Maybe volcanoes will spring forth from the earth and cover us all in molten lava… or a tornado the size of the earth will magically appear. Oh! I know! The skies will open up and house sized meatballs, pancakes, and bacon will rain down on us. Sure, it would be delicious- but the weight would be crushing. Better yet! ALIENS! Aliens will finally make worldwide contact instead of mutilating cows and probing the butts of people that are never taken seriously (smooth move, aliens. Very smooth.) They will take over the earth, wrap all humanoids in cotton candy and suck our blood through straws- yeah, that’s right. We’re talking Killer Clowns From Outerspace. That would most certainly end life as we know it- thereby being deemed “The Apocalypse.”
Of course this is all assuming that the Mayans meant Eastern Standard time, ’cause it’s after midnight in Australia right now and they are still alive and kickin’. Of course, once EST passes and we’re all still alive and kickin’ here on the East Coast- we could then swear they must have meant PACIFIC standard time- but let’s forget about logic and reason for a few minutes. There ARE things on this planet that defy both of those, right?
If this were my last day on the planet earth, or the last day of the planet earth- however this shizz is gonna go down… what would I do with my time?
|You will be mine. Oh yes,
You WILL BE MINE.
First off- let’s nix the pants. I definitely don’t need any chaffing or restricting on my very last day on earth, especially considering the fact that I would then go out (pantsless) and buy up every single reeses cup at the nearest store. Other people would probably be buying batteries or generators or some shit- but I’d be buying reeses. Even better if the store has those GIANT ones. And also cheesecake, that’s a must. And maybe some brownie bites. And a chicken pot pie, ’cause those are super fuckin’ fattening and I don’t get to eat them nearly often enough because I fear my arteries clogging after the 5th bite, and the pot pie I usually make at home is all low fat and boring. Stouffers here I come!
Oh, did I mention that this pantsless thing DOES include underwear. The really frilly purple lingerie to be exact. If I have them, you best believe I’m going to wear them at LEAST ones. Since they are far too frilly to ever fit under clothes- no pants last earth day is perfect.
Being that the apocalypse is right before Christmas, and I’m pretty sure the fat man isn’t going to make his worldwide run a few days early- we’re opening all the presents. And then we’re destroying the shit in an epic battle (not quite as epic as the earth being destroyed, but I digress.) Haven’t you always wanted to do that? I mean, we insist kids be dainty with the toys we give them because we paid a lot of money for the junk and want it to last- now it doesn’t have to and you can just smash the shit out of each other. Boom.
For the grand finale, I’d teach the kids all the curse words I’ve been keeping from them or insisting they do not repeat and we’d go on a 4-letter spree. It would be fantastic.
In all seriousness though, people being so insistent that the end of the world is upon us does tend to make you reflect back on your life. Have you loved enough? Laughed enough? Told the people you love how much they mean to you? Truly, you do not know what day will be your last- and even though I don’t think the world is ending tomorrow- perhaps we should live each day as though it is. Within reason, of course.
Don’t go all ass crazy and streak through an open air shopping mall and then when the po catches up with you tell them that I told you it was okay.
Just LIVE, people. Live and love and laugh as much as possible.
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Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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