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Why there will NEVER be an Elf on my Shelf

Can you believe that the holiday season is already here and in full swing? I mean… where the shit did fall go? It feels like the weather snapped from “you’ll be drenched in ball sweat even though you’re female and therefore do not have balls… unless you consider the ones on your chest to be your breasticles, and then maybe. But only maybe.” straight to booger-cicle weather. I didn’t even get to wear my really cute jacket more than a few times, and honestly- that’s a fucking travesty- because now I’m stuck looking like the abominable snow-woman since I loathe cold weather and must wrap myself like a fleshy burrito.
Where is the time going? And why is it going so fast? Are the powers that be really THAT hellbent on forcing me into and out of my last year of 20’s, and therefore causing me to have a full blown conniption and earn an extended stay in a lovely white jacket with buckles? I mean, that might be in style… but I’d rather not.

I’m just having a really hard time accepting that it’s already time to start slamming turkey and sugar cookies into our faces; that it’s already about time to begin decking the halls. I don’t WANT to deck my halls. I am not ready to see pictures of Christmas trees, or wrapped up presents, or fall-colored centerpieces surrounded by cranberry chutney and casserole dishes full of green bean casserole (even if I LOVE to eat them both). I am not ready for the traffic to go absolutely fucking insane and to not be able to get ANYWHERE in town in under 30 minutes. I’m already tired of people bragging about being done with holiday shopping, only because it reminds me that I honestly haven’t even begun. I am NOT ready to put up a Christmas tree and deal with having to constantly nag my little turds not to fucking touch the ornaments 25 times per day, or to witness the dog’s reaction to all of it. Or to clean up the messes I am sure they will all make. And I’m REALLY not ready to be seeing my Facebook Newsfeed full of pictures of Elf on a Shelf wreaking havoc on friends’ homes.

I have mostly gotten over my bah-humbugging of the holiday season as a whole. I don’t dread it anymore… or curse about it, or break out in hives, or refuse to put up a tree. I still can’t stand Christmas music (but I know all the words), and no way in hell will I ever gag down a bite of fruitcake- but these days, with two little buggers, I sort of enjoy the holidays. The decorations and the magic and the baking and the food- it’s all quite…. lovely. That was only slightly painful to type.
The one thing that I refuse to EVER accept, participate in, or react to with any kind of positivity has been narrowed down to one little thing: Elf on a Shelf.

Look, I KNOW- people love the little fucker. THEY LOVE HIM. And I get it… sorta. I get that he (or she.. or it… whatever) is meant to be there to keep an eye on the kids, as the right hand man of Mr. Claus himself, to make sure that they are being nice and not naughty and blaahhhh blah blah. I know that all my friends and their mothers seem to participate in this, and think it’s just the absolute most fun thing on the face of the earth- but I refuse. I will not have any part of Elf on a Shelf.

I cannot be alone here! I can’t be the only one who detests the little fucker- and of course I have my reasons.

Let me get one thing straight here- so… This Elf, who “reports back to Santa”- moves all over the living room, or wherever this “shelf” is, while the kids are sleeping… y’know, to prove he’s alive and all. And occasionally this Elf makes a giant mess in the process.
So, basically, what you’re telling me, is we parents have to move this turd around, make the mess- and then clean it up afterward… only to do it ALL over again until Christmas? Seriously?
No, really… seriously?
I know what you pro-Elfers are thinking. The KIDS are supposed to clean it up- Santa IS watching after all and they need to prove they are worthy of the Nice list. And you should know that I considered that, but if we’re being realistic here- my kids wouldn’t give two tiny shits about cleaning up a mess made by an Elf that is supposedly employed by the round cookie eater. Even if I threatened them with no presents. Then I would be left with the decision of whether or not to chuck them onto the naughty list and fill their stockings with twigs and coal- and if we’re still being realistic here- that’s not gonna happen either.
So yeah, I’d have to clean that shit up. Pass.

Even if I could get past all that and find setting up a staged scene with an Elf every single night “cute” or “fun” or part of the holiday spirit, or useful… or WHATEVER reason you may have for plopping its fake ass on a shelf in your house… there would still be one huge problem:

ELF ON A SHELF TERRIFIES ME.

I’m a grown ass woman, and a little fake Elf  in a fuzzy red costume terrifies me. That’s right, I’m not ashamed.
And it’s not just because his painted on creepy little “I’m going to kill you” smirk and fixed “follow you around the room” eyes look eerily similar to characters from horror movies.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

 

 

You know who else he looks like?
clown

annabelle

SERIOUSLY. SHUT THE FREAKING FRONT DOOR
I’d like to see you put those mofos on your mantle!
It’s also not just because my aunt told me when I was little that when I went to sleep- my dolls came to life and played with my hair and I NEVER touched a doll again.
Okay, I lied. It is exactly those reasons as to why I want to kill Elf on a Shelf with fire.
I am deathly afraid that this little creature I place in my house to keep my turdy kids well behaved from November- December, that I would have to re-position each night to keep the ruse going… would ACTUALLY come to life while I slept and kill me. You can’t tell me you don’t look into that frozen face and think “Mass murderer”- YOU CAN’T!
If you think he’s cute… well… that’s exactly what that creepy mo-fo wants. Sleep with one eye open. Or a baseball bat. Preferably both.
I’ll be over here drooling and snoring without worrying about a mischievous elf smothering me.

 

Posted on November 19, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 16 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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16 Comments

  • Yep…definitely creepy. And I hate those mass murdering doll movies! LOL.

    I have enough messes to clean up without the “Elf” creating more messes, so yeah, I’m gonna pass on that too.

  • OMG this is so me!! I hate creepy looking dolls/clowns…anything like that…this will never ever be seen in my house…and I think you hit the nail on the head with the Dead Silence movie cover…it looks just like him/her/it whatever lol

  • Thank god I’m not alone on this!! Little fucker is CREEPY as hell!! So glad others agree.

  • Someone offered to me an elf for my birthday (lucky me i’m a turkey baby) tried to convince me i needed to start it now while my son is sooo young… no thanks… trying to explain the level of creep actually offended people… dude uf ya think about it Santa is a creepy dude anyway… why would i want one of his minions in my home?

  • I…. *twitch*. NO! Good god no! Things like this give me the epic wiggins… so much nope. No dolls, no clowns and definitely no ventriloquist dummies. Burn them all with fire, and drop them in the Mariana Trench.

  • THANK YOU! Oh man, my news feed is covered in Elf on the Shelf pranks. It’s terrifying and I have to block the pictures. However, more than terrifying it’s annoying as shit. Because those moms that are “shelfers” are smug little shits. Oooohhhh, look at what my elf is doing? He filled the bathtub up with marshmallows. I’m the greatest mother in the world and my kids will have far superior holiday memories than yours. Hem hem haw haw muwahaha. Or whatever maniacal laugh they come up with. Fuck you Elf and fuck you Shelfers for perpetuating this bullshit!

  • And god forbid if you forget to move the damn thing one night…

  • You are not alone!! When I see one of those creepy things it makes me realize that there is some sick twisted bastard out there who secretly enjoys terrifying innocent people.

  • Refuse to own one, my kid is 14 now. I have enough messes to clean without some little prick elf making more! A kid, two cats, and a dog (whose bed will be displaced for the tree) are more than enough to get me to Christmas! If I received an elf as a gift, I would have a tiny bon fire. Creepy little fuck!

  • LOVE this post! Here I was thinking I was the only one who found them very creepy. Thanks for the laugh and camaraderie!

  • So glad to not have to feel Alone during this Creepy ‘Elf on a Shelf’ epidemic!!!!
    Needed this laugh for my scrooge self!!!

  • Thank You! It took me quite a while to figure out what the hell the elf on a shelf was all about. When I was a child, (back when dinosaurs ruled the world) we had that exact elf. He came out with the tree decorations, which was usually the weekend just before Christmas, was plunked rather unceremoniously on the mantel, and there he would stay, until we packed him up again in early January. My mother would never have taken the time to pretend it was watching us, she had enough trouble keeping the four kids she had in four years, from tearing the house apart! I tried to explain this thing to her the other night, she laughed like I was the loon!

  • You could always go with the Whore In The Drawer lol.

  • that creepy bastard freaks me out too and I write horror stories. No way will that mass murdering psycho elf have a place in my house. I would have to feed him to the dog and deal with the sobs of children for way too long. so no elf for us.

  • When u do a freaky doll blog hit me up…I got the queen bee pict and vid of my kids favorite “antique” doll grandma gave her.

  • I hate the damn thing, I hate the damn thing, I hate hate hate hate hate and loath this stuffed creeper with a passion unrivaled.

    Whew…there I said it….and damn it feels pretty good.