Everyone already knows that I have a deep unadulterated love for all things Halloween- we’ve been over that many-a-time already even just this year. I honestly just cannot get enough and every time Halloween comes and goes, I miss it and lament for its return. I know that if it were a year round event, we would all eventually grow tired of it and it would no longer be this shiny sparkling beacon of orange light glowing at us from the end of summer and beckoning us nearer. The love would not be as strong. So while I am mourning the loss of my all-time favorite holiday- I have fond memories to take along with me of the things I enjoy the most about it. And believe it or not- Halloween’s effects are widespread and long-lasting.
Oh, Candy. How I love thee.
I’m not just referring to the fact that for some reason this neighborhood kicks ass and passes out all the good shit instead of listening to the news turds announcing that only sugar-free gum and gummies should be given out. It’s not just that I could slam reese’s into my face until I’m sneezing peanut butter boogers out of my nose, and that my kids collected SO many of them this year and are kind enough to bring them to me. It’s not even that it’s all FOR FREE. That’s all fantastically awesome and worth noting- but my love of Halloween candy goodness is much more devious. Evil. Manipulative. AKA- awesome.
You see, we don’t have a lot of candy around the house at any given time. Sure, maybe a couple of candycanes during Christmas, and some jellybeans around Easter time (preferably Starburst ones, everything else tastes like straight up butthole. And no, I don’t know what that tastes like in order to accurately compare. Funny joke, though!)- but I’m a baked goods girl. I know, how Mom-ish of me. I can’t help myself. I like to bake things and then force people to eat them who don’t think I can bake and then they’re all shocked when it’s the most magnificent thing they have ever tasted. Validation at its very finest.
This means there is no need for candy- unless I am using it IN my baking and then no one had better even fucking REACH for it unless they want to be pulling back a stump (which could be good if this candy baking is being done anywhere near Halloween, but I digress.)
Once Trick-or-Treating mayhem has been complete, we are overloaded with candy. Tons of candy for as far as the eye can see… and who wants to EAT this candy? This magical rare beast that has found its way into our house and isn’t going to be shoved into a cookie or a loaf or a muffin? DUH, me- but I was referring to the children. Their eyes get this sparkle in it you don’t often see- because they know this candy is “all theirs” (uh, no, but ok, we’ll go with it)- only… they don’t get control over how much they get, or even when. Who has that control?
Dun dun DUN!!!!!!!!! (yes, that was supposed to be that a-ha moment mystery movie music) Me. ME! I am the Grand Poobah! I am the HBIC! Keeper of the stash! I am master of the candy and therefore rule this fine land!
And THIS means, that if the kids want to partake in the magic of the candy that they don’t often get because I spoil them with baked goods but that doesn’t seem to matter because candy is candy and to a child nothing is better than candy collected on Halloween- they must do what I say.
I have no shame in the fact that I am not above bribery, entrapment, and loosely veiled threats when it comes to kids. Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, damnit.
This little scheme isn’t bribery- it’s teaching my kids supply and demand. I will SUPPLY you with Halloween candy after you complete my DEMANDS. It’s the way of the world, put on a helmet and buckle up! Cause and effect, work ethic… call it whatever you will. You can even call it “mean” if you so choose- but at the end of the day my kids are happy, and my house is clean, and mealtimes are a hell of a lot quieter with the promise of candy rewards.
The power of candy is astounding. I bow to it. I don’t like that it isn’t calorie and fat free… but y’know- it can’t be EVERYTHING to everyone.
Oh, and also.. it’s awesome because of this:
The fact that the wine section of Wal-Mart is directly next to the baby section cannot be an accident.
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