There’s nothing wrong with being thankful- that’s what Thanksgiving is all about, right? Or… that’s what it’s SUPPOSED to be about. Usually it becomes more about avoiding your family and cramming yourself with delicious noms- but you’re SUPPOSED to be thanking whomever it is you thank for the things that you have and the food in front of you.
Somehow, on Faceturd, this got spun into an entire MONTH of thankfulness, which is spilling all over my newsfeed by pretty much everyone and their mother thanking something or some one every single day. Every day. Every one. Being thankful is super awesome and everything, but when everyone is being all loving and emotional and sappy and sweet…. kinda makes me wanna hork. I’m overdosing on thankful- only not my OWN thankful… so then, damnit- I start to feel a little guilty. Don’t you dare repeat that, it’ll ruin my street cred.
I’m caving in to peer pressure, just like I did last year… and am now going to list the things I am thankful for. SHAMEFUL! WEAKNESS! I know, I know.
BUT… I’m doing it my way. No sweet barfy “will make the Grinch’s heart grow two sizes” kind of thankful- but the randomly weird things that people might not think of. Hey, those things need to be thanked too!
Here goes nothin’:
1. Teachers. Yeah yeah, they helped nurture my education and encouraged me to be creative or whatever- but I’m thankful for teachers because 5 days out of every week they deal with Holden and I don’t have to. If I had to deal with his newly inflated 5 year old ego, attitude and general turdiness– I’d end up selling him to the gypsies.
2. Renting. I’ve always wanted to own a house… but man am I thankful this house is a rental or I’d be really annoyed that the kids pretty much ruined the carpet and my vacuum sucks too much (but not enough… but too much… fuck it, you know what I mean) to salvage it. Or that we don’t have a dishwasher. Or that the windows are really old and there are drafts everywhere. Or that we only have a bath and a half. But since this isn’t technically my house- I don’t give two tiny shits.
3. I am thankful that my kids have been out of diapers for so long that I have nearly shaken the mental scars of a diarrhea blowout. Never thought I’d see the day. “Find that turd,” however, is a memory I don’t think I will ever be able to bleach from my brain.
4. I’m thankful that when I take the dog out back to take a shizz and I have to shield myself from the cold, it’s right next to the dryer vent and that smell is heavenly. And the dryer is ALWAYS running because I have a house full of disgusting males.
5. I am thankful that the neighbors next door moved out and now I don’t have to hear their asshole dogs yapping all the time or hear their spanish polka music from their constant partying vibrating through my walls every night anymore.
6. I’m thankful that both kids will now sit through a full length movie in the theater- ’cause I really like to see animated films meant for the wee ones, and without them I’d have no excuse to do so in public without being seen as a total creeper.
7. I’m thankful that my toilet paper is strong enough not to bust through when I force the pound of snottage from his horrible disgusting kindergarten plague I caught. Getting boogers all over your hands is not cool.
That wasn’t too painful, was it?
Now it’s your turn- what ridiculously random or even tiny pointless things in your life are YOU thankful for?
If you’ll excuse me, I have a dryer vent to huddle next to.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times