It would probably make me a horrible terrible craptacular piece of work to claim that parenting is such an immense weighty-frustrating and misery filled job that we parents have to always take solace in the little things for we have nothing else to brighten our days. It would also make me a liar because that is simply not true… most of the time.
Those of us mere mortals lacking the patience of a saint or the ability to turn off our ears amidst banshee like shrieking where we are literally counting the minutes until crotchfruitian bedtime- and during those horrible terrible craptacular days is where we learn that while these little things are definitely not the ONLY things we have to brighten our days- they are still awesome, and we should enjoy and take advantage of them as much as humanly possible.
I have a list of many of these “little things” that I keep in the dark corners of my mind for tantrumy butthole kid moments, so that I can think about them and the next time I will be able to experience one of them and not go all Mommy Dearest up in this bitch.
Yes, my wee uteran explosion, continue to freak out, because I know eventually the time will come where I will make a dessert your picky ass doesn’t like, and you will refuse to eat it- and since I have already prepared it for consumption- it shall be mine. Sure, my tiny-terror, run around the yard shrieking like a bat out of hell while I cringe waiting for you to inevitably bust your ass which will create a booboo that I will be the one to have to deal with as you scream directly into my face- for I know this will only make it so that you sleep better and earlier tonight.
|rainbows and bunnies and
Turning the negatives into positives- I know it’s super obnoxious Suzy Sunshine type bullshit, but it really does work on those days where you’d love nothing more than to be kidnapped by the weird bearded hippy downtown and stashed in an underground tunnel for a couple of years.
My absolute hands down favorite of all of the little things to enjoy, revel and partake in is one that should not be looked down through the nostrils at- for it is not mean or harsh cruel- it is life, and it is best we teach our kids the fun you can have while your heart’s a pounding by scaring the balls off of them. Not literally or anything, ’cause then I couldn’t have grandbabies, but figuratively absolutely YES.
I also don’t mean forcing their miniature asses into a haunted house meant for grown adults and scarring them for life as a bloody clown chases them with a machete down dark corridors, or doing what MY mom did and telling little 6 year old me that if I went to the bathroom alone, Candyman would get me; and I STILL feel bad about taking the kids into the Halloween store over the weekend and watching the pure terror on Parker’s face and fear so intense that he couldn’t even make a sound as a fake monster decorationy thing lunged at him (really that was Thomas’ fault though)..
|wait for it….|
The kind of scaring I’m talking about is the good ol’ “Hide behind the door, jump out and yell BOO!” kind of scare. Oh to watch them jump and flail their arms like hummingbirds because I got them SO GOOD, and then break into a fit of laughter once they realize it was me- there is not much better than that.
I don’t know what in the world makes it SO damn funny to scare the crap out of a kid- it just IS. Just like peanut butter and chocolate go together perfectly- these unions of awesome simply cannot be explained away with words. You just have to get your ass behind a door, wait for your unexpecting child to walk by and pounce.
There is only so long we can do this before they get old enough to start swinging on us.. or GOD FORBID DOING IT BACK, and WORSE! You’ve seen the shows. The prank shows. Most of them don’t even give out prizes for making mommy’s bladder leak after leaving a gigantic hairy (yet fake) spider in her bed, or hiding behind shower curtains with a Michael Myers mask on.
SCARE THEM NOW! BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
’tis the season after all.
Me: Man, my toy allergy eyes are bad today Kids: What? Me: Yeah,if I see any of your crap on my floor I'll have a reaction and THROW IT AWAY
@AmericHousewife it's cute you think I'll survive to them turning that age!
Oh, you're really in for it! pic.twitter.com/xXzFxhlxRJ
Spring into Spring-a-Palooza at Great Wolf lodge! goo.gl/fb/Ey9QEb
Vodka might rhyme with Friday, but what rhymes with Tuesday is "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME HAVE MY COFFEE!"
Am I a "housewife"? Technically yes. Do I do "housewife" things? UM. NO. I fail. holdinholden.com/2014/08/i-am…
7yo: what's a colon? 9yo: it's the top of a smiley face Husband: ...and the inside of your butthole Me: *deep sigh*