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How did they FIND me? Part 4: Glutton for punishment edition

There must be something inside of me that likes it when I suffer and squirm and get a raging case of heebie-jeebies, because no matter how many times I’ve been sufficiently icked by looking at the things people punch into Google (probably with sticky fingers) and land on my sweet-innocent-rainbowy blog- I continue to go back and look again. Even knowing I have been writing about some WEIRD shizz lately, or things that in context seem totally normal and harmless, but could direct some nutty ass searches back to me.
And I continue to think this planet has lost it’s ever-loving mind as a whole.

If I have to suffer through full body cringes and wondering if perhaps this whole 12/2012 apocalypse thing ain’t such a bad idea- SO DO YOU. So let’s DO IT people. Consider it a lesson in humanity.

“asstraffic”
Ass…Traffic? Is my ass getting traffic? Should I be flattered or offended that Google thinks my butthole is a highway?

“what should my vagina look like”-
I’m no medical doctor or anything.. so I’m going out on a limb here when I say… a vagina?

“fucking bubbles”-
Yeah! FUCK THEM! You can stay. I like you.

“piss on holden”-
I will spork you within an inch of your life. Plus, wouldn’t that kind of undo potty training? I certainly don’t want a 5 year old thinking I am his new and improved toilet. Use your head, sheesh!

“shitting in mouth”
maybe you should have searched for “two girls one cup” if you wanted to watch some doodoo eating, genius.

“stay at home moms are lazy”-
Hey… you… silent searcher. How about you come over here and say that to my blog’s FACE. And then suck my ass.

“spongebob penis fish”
So, you didn’t just search for Spongebob’s penis… but his penis FISH? Is there a fish with a penis that looks like Spongebob? A penis that resembles a fish that you wash with a yellow sponge that resembles Spongebob? The possibilities are endless. Google hates me.

“crazy vagina”
You leave my vagina out of this!! However.. you’re welcome to call my uterus crazy. Just make sure she doesn’t hear you.

“the pumpkin who couldn’t smile”-
LIES! All pumpkins smile. Or would it be that all pumpkins make ME smile… either way. LIES.

“cat tail butt plug”-
Don’t most normal people want hair OUT of their ass crack and not hair UP their ass crack? Am I mistaken here? What day is it? WHERE AM I??

“you just mcfucked up”
Thank you random weird Googler, I AM USING THAT FROM NOW ON!

“big wet butts – jynx that ass!”
 I just… I…. I can’t even…

“penis portrait”
 Look, I’m sorry dudes- but I have never once seen a penis attractive enough to warrant a PORTRAIT. You don’t have a celebrity dangle. It isn’t  adorned with jewels is it? It doesn’t look like it’s smiling or have birth marks on it in the shape of south america does it? No? THEN NO ONE WANTS A PORTRAIT OF IT. Do not search, ever again. Weirdo.

“spongebob who put you on the planet ugh”- 
Out of THOUSANDS of searches I can’t even put in this blog because they are so horrid that I sifted through.. FINALLY someone who speaks my language. Ugh is right.

“fuck off people”-
Do you really think by typing this into the Google or whatever search engine you are using- that it is effectively going to have people fuck off? I didn’t know the internet was that powerful. Making a mental note now.

“contortion cameltoe”-
Is this like puppetry of the penis? No…. no, I don’t think I want to know. But you aren’t finding any vaginas being twisted into looking like random objects here.

“call me crazy shit at least your calling”-
Grammar fail aside, this is a hilarious observation. Why it was popped into a search, though… the world may never know

“shhh do you hear it it’s the sound of butthurt”- 
No, but I would LOVE TO!

The internet is a weird, WEIRD place y’all. It’s kind of like going into Walmart whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself- if I’m ever feeling like I have breached the wall of acceptable weird- I look at the searches that lead to me… and then I realize I have NOT yet lost my mind due to children after all. Rejoice!

Posted on October 26, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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