Since I crossed the line into adulthood, I’ve never been big on holiday season. I hate cold weather, I especially hate wind and snow, I never had money to get people things and every single holiday something went disastrously wrong or I found myself sick. EVERY YEAR, it never failed!
Sure, the food is freakin’ awesome- you can’t go wrong with some gravy, green bean casserole with the onion doodads on top, and pumpkin pie (do NOT get me started on pumpkinny things)- but the excess weight around the midsection is NOT so awesome. Neither is egg-nogg. Seriously? Who in the hell came up with THAT concoction?
The only holiday that didn’t get ruined by becoming too old to have a stocking at my dad’s place, or having to cook and BRING food like a responsible member of the family was Halloween.
I don’t even have the words to describe how much I love Halloween. The decorations, the candy, the haunted houses, the PUMPKIN (no seriously, don’t get me started!), the scary movies, the costumes, the CANDY!
Not a single memory of Halloweens past are negative ones (unlike all those other stinky holidays), well, except the first Halloween I couldn’t go trick or treating because the MAN says 13 is just too old or some dumb crap like that. As if.
And do you know what magical happened years later? A magical wonderful turn of events changed that brought me back to my Halloween days of yore?
Miniature lil’ humans that have to do what I say and that I can convince my ideas are their ideas and get my way- lil’ humans that I can dress up in costume and LAUGH at The Man ’cause he can’t hold me down anymore.
Have a kid and Halloween once again is yours.
Trick or treating as a legal adult who can bring a camelbak of adult beverages and having kids do ALL of the work for you in order to acquire the loot that you will then claim is “dangerous” and eat all of the good shit while they sleep- oh and NOT freezing your ass off in the colder (bah humbug) October weather in a costume that is not nearly warm enough?
That is what I call winning. And EVERY single year I go all out. I bake tons of seasonal things (PUMPKIN!!!), I decorate the house with skulls and other thingamajigs, and I make damn sure the kids look AWESOME come Halloween night, because I am living vicariously through them. Also because I like to silently compete against other kids’ costumes.
With only a little over 20 days until Halloween, I am hiding a shameful secret: We have no costumes. We’ve DISCUSSED costumes- and that’s where we get stuck. Why?
Thomas, the party-pooper, is trying to shit all over my Halloween tradition of having kick-ass costumes by *GASP* forcing the kids to wear home made ones. By home made, I mean OUR home, and by made- I mean ME making…
Um. I don’t make things. Not things that are not meant to be eaten, and even those don’t look good.
This is pure blasphemy, fighting words, grounds for divorce and removal of testicles.
I understand not wanting to go out and BUY costumes, ’cause spending money sucks and kids just won’t stop growing meaning it’s a one-time-use thing unless you can find someone to tell it to- but I’m not gonna have the little kids in bedsheets with eye holes cut out on my most favorite day of the year.
We’ve been arguing about it for so long that now all that is going to be left costume-wise is the ghetto spiderman and rent-a-cop. Absolutely unacceptable!
Thomas’ response? “Who cares?”
WHO DID I MARRY?
The tiny child still inside of me that REFUSES to ever grow up, stop making poo jokes, giggling at inadvertent sexual innuendo, or seeing the joy- even if it is immature- in the little things. THAT is who cares.
Basically what I’m saying is Halloween during Holiday season to me is like the Superbowl to many men during Superbowl season. Other than Thomas…
Well, shit- he’s just a hater of all big events, now isn’t he?
I think during my routine check-o-the-candy for razor blades and tin explosive devices- HE won’t be getting any. Bah Humbug to YOU, sir!
You wouldn't sniff a stranger's butt to see who pooped their pants.... so you probably shouldn't do these other parental things to strangers, either. holdinholden.com/2017/12/weir…
Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers goo.gl/fb/oVuwvG
Tis the season! pic.twitter.com/5VgMLnt22E
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
You know that feeling when you don't chew a chip all the way and it cuts you all the way down and you swear it's gonna kill you, but you go ahead have another right after? That's what it's like when you decide to have another kid.