Being born in the 80’s doesn’t necessarily equate to being born in the Stone Age.. even if all of my favorite tunes are on the f’ing CLASSIC ROCK station and the cars I was toted around in are considered ANTIQUES… no, it wasn’t the stone age. I didn’t have to kill animals with arrows in order to eat (i’m also not in the frackin’ Hunger Games), I had the modern marvel that is soap in order to not smell like a barn animal, and SHOCK- we even had televisions, computers, and telephones.
Of course ‘way back then’ we didn’t have CELL phones. Not until late 80’s early 90’s when the Zack Morris Dinosaur phone came out…. damn that thing was as big as a house, and I can see why there were so many rumors that having one would give you brain cancer or something as equally as ridiculous: the phone WAS ridiculous. Really, though, until shiny AOL disks started coming in bulk to the house- the coolest things we had were wired car-phones and gigantic clunky Gameboys.
We didn’t have fancy-pants super cellphones with internet (WTF IS INTERNET?) access, which gave us access to movies and games and pretty much everything else you can possibly imagine (including an App to keep track of that pesky period!)
I didn’t even have a gameboy until I was about 8, and they didn’t even have the cool fucking colored ones (or I didn’t have enough in my childhood saving account which I emptied in order to purchase one) so I took a blue permanent marker and colored mine. Yeah, that was a ginormous fail.
Yes, this is my blog on how kids today are fucking LUCKY… or maybe unlucky. I really LOVED playing outside. I loved it a hell of a lot more than N64 (and oregon trail doesn’t count. I would STILL play that shizz over going outside) or even my beloved Sega. Climbing the tree in my front yard was my SHIZZ, or playing on my swingset, or even on our dock (yeah, we lived on a lake. How I miss it).
Shit, even just playing with my toys or pretending to have an imaginary friend (yes, I pretended because I was super jelly that everyone else had a ‘real’ one but me) kept me occupied for hours.
I’m not going to go on and on about how video games are ruining childhoods worldwide! HOLY BALLS NO VIDEO GAMES EVAAAAARRRRR! BAD INFLUENCE THIS! SUCKY PARENT THAT!
No, i’m definitely not going to do that. Video games kick ass these days and I don’t blame children of ALL ages for wanting to play them. And now there’s that mother badword Leapster bitch out that’s for LITTLE kids, and no one can seem to get the hell away from gaming technology. Yeah yeah, it’s educational; It’s still like crack.
Really my request is this: STOP MAKING GAMES SO AWESOME.
I know, it doesn’t make any sense. What fun would be boring games?
Um, hey- brat- if I can play 2-bit frogger for hours upon HOURS on and, and slam my feet on my power pad until it stopped fucking working, you can deal with some shittier games.
Honestly, I don’t even care about YOU bratty kid who thinks you deserve everything and never has to go outside so suddenly all the ladiez are mistaking you for Edward Cullen but you’re so socially inept that you don’t know how to pull in the fish once you’ve hooked it- no. I don’t care about you at all.
I care about MY bratty kid and how I NEVER get my own fucking cell phone anymore because the games on it are super awesome and he wants to play.
What’s that you say? Hide my phone, you say?
Look, people, I have tried everything in the book to keep my shizz away from him. I’ve stuck it in the bra, i’ve put it in pockets and BUTTONED the pockets. I’ve put it higher than his sticky grubby little hands should be able to reach. It’s like he’s lying in wait for the ONE second I leave my phone vulnerable and he grabs it and runs away.
Now, you might think this is still no problem as long as he isn’t dropping it into pissy water (been there, done that)- but SOMEHOW that evil genius learned how to not only UNLOCK my phone (and trust me, it’s a bitch), but how to scroll TO the screen with the games, and click on his favorite one. Of course, this isn’t without fucking up my world first… but he gets the job done.
He is two.
Now you see my desire for boring ass games that NO kids want to play. Or ones so hard their little brains can’t handle it and they get all pissy and give me my phone back. I LOVE those kinds of games. Make more of those!
Well look, phone programmy-type people, i’m not tethering this thing to myself- so comply or feel the spork!
So accurate it's painful pic.twitter.com/B9KQlSx3NO
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Get on it, oil people!! pic.twitter.com/xgXSB34uGf