Well, back in MY day…

Being born in the 80’s doesn’t necessarily equate to being born in the Stone Age.. even if all of my favorite tunes are on the f’ing CLASSIC ROCK station and the cars I was toted around in are considered ANTIQUES… no, it wasn’t the stone age. I didn’t have to kill animals with arrows in order to eat (i’m also not in the frackin’ Hunger Games), I had the modern marvel that is soap in order to not smell like a barn animal, and SHOCK- we even had televisions, computers, and telephones.

Of course ‘way back then’ we didn’t have CELL phones. Not until late 80’s early 90’s when the Zack Morris Dinosaur phone came out…. damn that thing was as big as a house, and I can see why there were so many rumors that having one would give you brain cancer or something as equally as ridiculous: the phone WAS ridiculous. Really, though, until shiny AOL disks started coming in bulk to the house- the coolest things we had were wired car-phones and gigantic clunky Gameboys.

We didn’t have fancy-pants super cellphones with internet (WTF IS INTERNET?) access, which gave us access to movies and games and pretty much everything else you can possibly imagine (including an App to keep track of that pesky period!)

I didn’t even have a gameboy until I was about 8, and they didn’t even have the cool fucking colored ones (or I didn’t have enough in my childhood saving account which I emptied in order to purchase one) so I took a blue permanent marker and colored mine. Yeah, that was a ginormous fail.

Yes, this is my blog on how kids today are fucking LUCKY… or maybe unlucky. I really LOVED playing outside. I loved it a hell of a lot more than N64 (and oregon trail doesn’t count. I would STILL play that shizz over going outside) or even my beloved Sega. Climbing the tree in my front yard was my SHIZZ, or playing on my swingset, or even on our dock (yeah, we lived on a lake. How I miss it).
Shit, even just playing with my toys or pretending to have an imaginary friend (yes, I pretended because I was super jelly that everyone else had a ‘real’ one but me) kept me occupied for hours.

I’m not going to go on and on about how video games are ruining childhoods worldwide! HOLY BALLS NO VIDEO GAMES EVAAAAARRRRR! BAD INFLUENCE THIS! SUCKY PARENT THAT!
No, i’m definitely not going to do that. Video games kick ass these days and I don’t blame children of ALL ages for wanting to play them. And now there’s that mother badword Leapster bitch out that’s for LITTLE kids, and no one can seem to get the hell away from gaming technology. Yeah yeah, it’s educational; It’s still like crack.

Really my request is this: STOP MAKING GAMES SO AWESOME.
I know, it doesn’t make any sense. What fun would be boring games?

Um, hey- brat- if I can play 2-bit frogger for hours upon HOURS on and, and slam my feet on my power pad until it stopped fucking working, you can deal with some shittier games.

Honestly, I don’t even care about YOU bratty kid who thinks you deserve everything and never has to go outside so suddenly all the ladiez are mistaking you for Edward Cullen but you’re so socially inept that you don’t know how to pull in the fish once you’ve hooked it- no. I don’t care about you at all.
I care about MY bratty kid and how I NEVER get my own fucking cell phone anymore because the games on it are super awesome and he wants to play.

What’s that you say? Hide my phone, you say?
Look, people, I have tried everything in the book to keep my shizz away from him. I’ve stuck it in the bra, i’ve put it in pockets and BUTTONED the pockets. I’ve put it higher than his sticky grubby little hands should be able to reach. It’s like he’s lying in wait for the ONE second I leave my phone vulnerable and he grabs it and runs away.
Now, you might think this is still no problem as long as he isn’t dropping it into pissy water (been there, done that)- but SOMEHOW that evil genius learned how to not only UNLOCK my phone (and trust me, it’s a bitch), but how to scroll TO the screen with the games, and click on his favorite one. Of course, this isn’t without fucking up my world first… but he gets the job done.
He is two.

Now you see my desire for boring ass games that NO kids want to play. Or ones so hard their little brains can’t handle it and they get all pissy and give me my phone back. I LOVE those kinds of games.  Make more of those!
Well look, phone programmy-type people, i’m not tethering this thing to myself- so comply or feel the spork!

Posted on August 2, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • OK, you have now officially upseeded my favorite all time blog of yours. Damn you, good twin!!! My evilness must be rubbing off on you!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!!

  • HAHAHAH Power Pad. Precursor to all things Dance Dance Revolution. Nice.

  • You know what really made me feel old? My kids were watching that annoying “Fred” (show with the kid who talks like a demented chipmunk) and they were having a “party like it’s 1999” and he was trying to figure out what the 90s were about because it was SO LONG AGO OMG! I stopped what I was doing to watch this and watch my kid’s reactions and it was somewhat disheartening. I mean, I’m only 30 but hell, it makes it seem like it was 100 years ago.

  • Ugh… Fred. He has a special place in hell reserved for him i’m sure- GAMMIT!

  • Wow I know exactly how you feel! My 3yo has started waking up just before me so he can steal my phone from under my pillow. It really sucked when i realized he is better at Angry Birds then I am. All us 80’s children have given birth to tech heads it seems. 🙂

  • feel your pain dear, lol….i have a nice droid and my almost 21 mth old manages to unlock it, and work it…hell even dialed 911 once, omg try explaining that one to the operator ugghhh…

    And Fred oh most def a special place in hell for that twit, his voice is like fingernails acrossed a chalkboard..

  • Ack! I feel you on the cell phone thing! My kids are evil when it comes to mine and my husbands. I don’t know how they figure this stuff out. My 5yr old daughter does the snatch and grab with Daddy’s phone constantly. The other day he put his phone on the charger and got in the shower. When he got out, his phone was still on the charger, but there was suddenly a game open on it. Hmmm … wonder how that one happen.

  • I love my little one but be damned if shes getting her grubby little hands on my Evo…I have her my old samsung transform so its not like she doesn’t have games to play but I too grew up in the 80s/90s so I encourage her to go outside and play more than anything after all shes 3 and really outside us awesome as long as I don’t have to go out there too…lol (I can still watch her from the back door/back window)