The nearly useless things I’ve learned from Facebook

Before I shoved a second kid down my birth canal, I had this deep internal loathing of Facebook. Why? Well, because they thought they were better’n me! They only wanted college students, and being that I was never a college student, I could not join. Eff that! I’ll stay with Myspace! Myspace never judged me; Tom is my FRIEND!
Slowly but surely, over time, even though I kept my foot down for years, Myspace was clearly past its prime. People started leaving, or their accounts became inactive because they’d all made their way over to Facebook (who had since lifted their ‘college kids ONLY!’ restriction)- so at that point I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. It was join Facebook, or become even more of a recluse (going out as a gigantic preggo with a 2 year old was not easy to accomplish). So damnit, I joined.

That was about 4 years ago now, and today marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I started a Facebook “fan” (barf, that word again) page for this here blog and my book; so I thought the most fitting blog entry to make on an occasion such as this would be one about the thing that brought a lot of you here: Facebook.
What an interesting journey it has been, and i’m not just talking about the birthing of children- but being a mom in the digital world. Social media is funky, y’all. And it at times can be harrowing to navigate because when you put shit out there, you get shit back.
I have learned some lessons over the time… and they might be wholly and completely useless in real life- but I mean… it’s learning. And learning is learning, right? Who are we to scoff in the face of its importance??

Allow me to share with you this valuable knowledge on this extra special day, in one of my favorite ways with which to share: a LIST!

1. Even if you don’t ask for advice, you’ll get it.
Post that you’re going to the hospital? Everyone thinks you’re dying. Maybe you’re already dead. Maybe you’re a ghost and you just don’t know it. Maybe you don’t THINK you need advice, but really you do because everyone else knows better than you about your life with minimal details. Smile and nod or feel the wrath!

2. It’s ok to blame Facebook for everything, including your car breaking down. 
Zuckerburg IS a shithead, and even though Facebook cannot physically do anything to you- it is ever-present, and always screwing up. Is it not better to blame an inanimate object? What’s the problem? Kids whining? Cell phone cut off? Shit just not going your way? Blame Facebook, it just feels good.

3. People are assholes for fun
Seriously, put someone behind a computer screen and access to hundreds, thousands, or millions of people- and it gives them the perfect window to be a total a-hole to everyone they disagree with. Shit, even if they don’t  disagree- people troll your shit for fun and pee in your Cheerios. It’s not that I was unaware that people can be mean for no reason at all, I just wasn’t aware HOW mean over the dumbest shit imaginable. If they can’t attack your statement? They’ll attack any teensy tiny grammar flub they can find.

4. Everyone is a better parent than you, even if they don’t have kids.
Didn’t you know that you suck and everything you do is wrong?? Well, i’m sure someone will tell you- and not because you actually do- but because you do it differently than them. Or how they THINK they would if they ever actually popped one out.

5. People say they don’t love drama, but they love drama. So do you, and so do I
Do you smell that? It’s the smell of a troll- and suddenly EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER IS THERE with a bag of popcorn. Even if you don’t like to participate in it, you can’t deny that it’s funny as shit to watch it go down, and Facebook makes it possible to do so in the comfort of your own home without fear of physical bitchslap.

6. Google geniuses exist
Don’t know something? Don’t you worry your pretty little head- someone else will, because Google told them so.

7. You see that baby? Don’t grimace; that’s the cutest baby in the world.
It’s the sad but awful truth. Some babies are ugly; really painfully ugly. Now, there’s a strong chance they will grow out of looking as though they’ve emerged from the back of a cave- but for now, you will have to stare down the ugg, because Mommy Dearest over there insists her klingon is just the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby on the entire planet. Even more beautiful than yours. She’s probably the one who in a few short months will insist her 6 month old is speaking in full sentences.

8. A relationship is nothing unless it’s “Facebook Official”
Seriously. Your relationship means nothing and will be questioned by all until you change your Facebook relationship status. What’s that you say? Your significant other isn’t on Facebook? Then you aren’t in a relationship, they are cheating on you, they are ashamed of you, you must have made them up in a fleeting attempt to not appear to be “Forever Alone”

9. People who shat on your self-esteem in highschool and deemed you un-worthy of even being spoken to will request to be your “friend”- of course, without saying a word.
Yes, Highschool was a long time ago. No, I am not bitter. I even planned my very own High School Reunion- but I will still never understand the practice of requesting to be someone’s “friend” on Facebook, and then never speaking to them. Why even request? I mean, I know my pictures are fantastic and all, but they aren’t anything scandalous or lurk-worthy that you can gossip with the people you actually DO talk to. High school is over… but it’s never really over.

10. As many people as you will find that try to ruin your day- there will always be WAY more who make your day better. Because they don’t suck. Not all the time anyway.
It might take wading through a lot of bullshit, but awesome people ARE out there.

Oh, and maybe i’ve learned how to stalk the shit out of people too… but Shhhhhhhh. Let’s keep that one on the down-low.

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I’ll see your Klingons and raise you my Romulans.

    PS – All of these are true, I Googled it.

    Nice job.

  • Very funny, and oh so true. Love it!

  • I agree with the ugly baby comment. And I am pretty sure that some of the things I have said about other peoples offspring is sending me straight to Hell! I never say Oh , how cute to an ugly baby. I just say congrats lol. No further emphasis cause I tend to be blunt and to the point and people know that. And I hate to be the one to tell a Mother that her spawn looks like a bat rat combination with a pig nose and raccoon eyes…..

    • I use “how precious” as my fall-back. Not all babies are cute or adorable (they can’t all be mine after all lol) but even if they look like Smeagol, they are still precious.

  • Has it been a year already? That’s gone by so damn fast!

    I remember stumbling on STFU Yes I Did Really Say That and then finding your page which was just starting and you guys have been amusing me on facebook ever since. Congratulations on the anniversary!

  • Ohhh man, unsolicited advice drives me INSANE. Makes me wish there was a way to disable comments for certain posts. I’d love to post something like “It’s way too hot” without having other people post stuff like “No it’s not, stop whining” or giving me tips on cooling down. Guess what? To me it IS hot and I know all the tricks!

    Haha. Sorry for the rant. 😉

  • I resisted Facebook for a while, but no it is my “go to”site when I need to know what is going on. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow!