There are a lot of different kinds of pain: Sharp pain; dull pain; throbbing pain; shooting pain; aching pain; the kind of pain where you walk into the doctors office and they ask you to point to a chart to determine its level and the chart is a bunch of fucking unrealistic bullshit, and if you say anything less than 10 (which should be DEATH), they think you’re a giant baby searching for some narcotics to knock you on your ass when really you just want the pain- no matter which kind it is- to STOP.
I’ve experienced all of those kinds of pains, and even other ones that I don’t think can be categorized by anything other than a string of indistinguishable curse words. I’ve broken my nose, fingers, a ridiculous amount of toes, spiral fractured my tibia while skiing because the bitch ski didn’t pop off when I took a header over a hill. I’ve had a kidney infection, UTI, mono, bronchitis, a chest infection where I was throwing up blood, and a stomach virus that had me shitting nonstop (yes, NONSTOP) for weeks on end.
Oh, and i’ve given birth to two tiny humans (and yes, I had to specify humans).
Up until this week, although I was told there were actually worse pains than childbirth out there- I’m not sure I fully believed it. What could be worse than tearing your vagina in half with something that you should NOT be able to force out? Or being cut into and having it ripped from your insides and then sewn back up? What’s more painful than LABOR?
An ear infection.
Seriously, if you haven’t had one- I know what the look on your face says right now: “Yeah fucking right, wimp”– but when I tell you it’s bad, IT’S BAD. I had them all the time as a child, so much so that I had to have tubes put in- but I don’t remember anything about them. Likely because they were so intensely horrible that my brain erased it in order to not cause permanent damage to my mental development.
Apparently I suck at taking showers. Every single time I wash my hair, I get water in my ears. Thanks to chronic neck and back pain, I can’t do that silly hopping up and down while pounding on my head jigg that most people do to get this water out. Water in the ears definitely sucks, but it’s never caused me any problems past annoyance before.
All of that changed this past week. Annoying water in the ear turned into slightly painful and annoying water in the ear. Painful and annoying water in the ear was so painful and annoying that I went to bed early that night to try and sleep it off… only I didn’t really sleep. Lovely.
Now, I don’t know what kind of magical spell I must have cast, or what hard surface Thomas fell onto and cracked his head but didn’t tell me that convinced him to work from home and help out with the kids- but he did.
This painful and annoying water in the ear started to become extremely painful- and instead of annoying, it was bordering on unbearable. Also unbearable? Whiny kids and an even whinier husband.
Why is it they always choose the day you’re feeling the shittiest to be even shittier than usual?
By dinner time, I had broken into tears twice and started doubling over in pain like I was in labor. Even though usually under all circumstances outside of death- I avoid the doctor. I don’t like spending the money, and the wait, and them looking at me like i’m completely insane and then not helping. I suppose it also partially has to do with all the crap Parker went through. Not all doctors suck… just most. I always get the “most”- but with these sharp shooting pains through my skull followed by deep intense aches in my ear were only getting worse? Damnit- I had to go.
Right after I ate (which I could barely even open my mouth to chew through)- I drove myself to the handy dandy quick emergency room (yes, they exist!), where I was called back immediately and informed of the bad news:
My ear was pregnant. Pregnant and trying to give birth to a big ol’ waxy baby. Only… there was no dilation happening- and since i’d already been in labor for 24 hours, they were going to have to go in and remove it themselves.
The LAST thing you want to hear when you’ve been in searing pain for that long is that someone else is going to jab at the area causing you to think death might be right around the corner with a long plastic pokey utensil.
Twenty minutes of excrutiating digging, flushing, digging, poking, stabbing, and peering into my ear later- and I was told it was clear. The giant wax-baby was out- and there, in all its glory, was my shiny eardrum. “Lucky” for me, I only had an outer ear infection.
Yeah, that sounds fucking lucky.
And then the doctor decides she wants to go at my OTHER ear too, you know- the one that isn’t painful? Through my tears I ask her what am I supposed to do about the pain right NOW? You know- from the digging and poking and stabbing?
“Oh, you want something for the pain?”
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!
She passes me some Tylenol.
Process that for a moment.
Twenty more minutes of poking and stabbing and flushing, I was sent on my merry way- soaking fucking wet through two shirts and my bra, exhausted… and sore. I dropped off my prescription and went home; there was no way I could sit around in a car and wait for the ear drops. Pain killers? Yeah, i’d wait for that shit. Ear drops? I’ll be fine to wait for those until morning, I thought. Right now I just need a damn DRINK! Ear be damned, no one will ruin Mommy Juice Tuesday!
My ear ruined Mommy Juice Tuesday. The ache, which had never left, intensified to the point where I had to give in and go to bed and once AGAIN hope to wake up in the morning feeling better- only AGAIN, I didn’t fall asleep.
This time, I swear Thomas must have thought I was possessed by the devil. The pain become so horrible, so intense, that I was writhing around in the bed moaning for him to call 911. My temperature shot up to 102 degrees- and either in a stroke of derpiness or genius (i’m not sure which) he covered me in these children’s cooling patches- ones you’re supposed to stick on a child with a fever to cool them down. We put ice packs on my stomach, on my head. We used this ratty old sock full of rice that I usually use for my neck that’s been so overheated on so many occasions that it looks like it’s been used to stomp through mud puddles and put it behind my ear- nothing seemed to really help. Thomas even got up at who the fuck knows what time and went to the pharmacy to get my ear drops… and was told they would NOT help with my pain. YAY! He even called a 24 hour nurse line to ask what in the hell to do- not a lot of help there either.
Although I felt bad for keeping him up ALL night long- after the tenth time he told me to “calm down”- I kind of feel like he deserved it.
YOU fucking calm down, you’re not the one with the pregnant explosive ear! This bitch obviously had twins in it and they left one behind at the doctor!
Somehow, none of this screaming or moaning or sobbing or crying woke up the kids. How is it, at 6 in the fucking morning, if I BREATHE the wrong way they’re out of bed “HI MOMMY!”– but they didn’t even stir during this mayhem? Shenanigans.
Since Thomas wouldn’t give in to my demands, another visit to the ER was going to have to wait until morning… if I lived that long. I swore at one moment, where I was shaking and shivering and moaning- and constantly wiggling my leg as to take some of the focus off of my head that it would be the END of me… and then it was 6am, the sun started to come up- the kids popped their happy asses out of bed and yelled in my face, per usual- and I managed to somehow put clothes on in order to go back and be seen again.
In I trudged (and no, I did not drive there. Poor Thomas, such a douchelick the first day only to turn it around the next, drove me with the kids), no makeup, sobbing, giant bags under my eyes, and what appeared to be a stank-ass sock attached to the side of my head.
It’s only too bad I wasn’t walking into a casting call to be an extra on The Walking Dead– I would have been IN.
I guess they knew I meant business this time, because after a quick look into that damn ear again, the doctor makes a comment about how when his wife was 9 months pregnant, she too had an outer ear infection, and insisted the pain was worth than childbirth.
He gave me a new prescription for better ear drops, percocet, AND an anti-inflammatory pain killer.
Only kind of… the shit still hurts, my head is dancing through the clouds, and Holden is taking great pleasure in my spaciness. From convincing me that a piece of lint is a spider and shoving it in my face, to just staring at me and telling me that i’m “funny”… it must be the lazy cross-eyes I have going on. Super sexy, I can assure you. I am also now too terrified to wash my hair in fear of getting more water in my ears- so I haven’t washed my hair since my ear become impregnated. Also SUPER sexy.
So I guess the moral of this story is:
Don’t wash your hair…..wait, no, that’s not it.
Don’t have ear-sex and you won’t have ear-babies…..hmmmm, definitely not that.
DON’T GET WATER IN YOUR EARS OR YOU WILL IMPREGNATE THEM AND HAVE TO HAVE YOUR WAXY-EAR BABIES REMOVED WITH A POKY STICK!
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