My child, the artist: Family Portraits Edition

Sooner or later, I knew I would have to accept that in something like 2 short weeks, my baby will be off to school, and I won’t have him around here to annoy entertain me anymore. I’ve written blogs about it, i’ve lamented, stressed, and cheered about it- but it wasn’t until I was thinking about all of the weird shizz he draws on a daily basis that it really dawned on me that he would be GONE- and that weird shizz would be going with him.

I’ve had so much fun sharing his…ahem…”artwork” with the world- thinking about how his weirdness may be normalized out of him by school is a sad sad thought for a fellow weirdo like me. Or perhaps he’ll go to school and become even more weird and the amount of hilarious things he draws- and soon enough WRITES (dear god!) … but one can never be sure. And since I believe it’s better safe than sorry- I thought it would be for the best for all of us if I put out ONE more blog full of Holden’s beautiful artwork before he joins the real world.

I suppose with age comes maturity (try not to snort)- because my eldest child, apple of my eye, original tearer of my insides, has finally moved past drawing that stupid SpongeTurd StupidPants all the time… and gone on to something far more eloquent and refined: Family Portraits.
How sweet of him to draw our happy little unit of 4, with our trusted puppy by our side- right?

Can you guess where i’m going with this? I bet you can.

Any guesses here? Anyone? No?
It’s a tree with Holden, pascal playing with a Frisbee, and Parker. Oh and grass, he was very insistent about the grass. Although, to me- it looks more like the dog has gone all Resident Evil on our asses and is eating… whomever the fuck that’s supposed to be up there, because I sure as hell can’t tell- and the tree limbs mutated into  Little Shop of Horrors. Basically, we’re all going to die. Thanks, Holden.
“It’s an Angry Puppy”
He did not explain why puppy is so angry, but in my heart of hearts, I believe it is because he has no ears and a penis for a tail. Wouldn’t you be mad if you had no ears and a penis for a tail? Poor thing.
Holden swears up and down that this thing is a car. I am completely convinced that it is his Daddy as a robot businessman with bad gas. I don’t see how you could mistake the thinning head hair and sasquatchian legs for anything else!
According to the brain that is Holden’s- all the way on the left there with the extremely long legs? That’s me. Hell yeah it is! The little fat one in the middle is Parker, and on the right you have:
“Daddy drinking out of a straw”
What’s that all over his body you might ask?
Body hair.
Sasquatchian! See?? I told you so!
“I drew Parker and me pooping on the floor next to the curtains!”
If you’re wondering, yes I DID go check on the floor next to the curtains.
No, there was no poo.
‘Me at breakfast throwing a waffle’
Yeah, you see that smug fucking face? It’s because he knows if he did it in real life, he’d never see his precious waffles again.
‘This is me, you Daddy, and Parker, and we are all in love!’
Or as I like to call it:
A family of ass-hats!
What ever will I entertain myself with do without him???
Posted on August 24, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden



  • Over the years my kids have really impressed me and scared me with their artwork. It was either vulgar, bad, insanely good, or really strange. At around age 3 my oldest daughter had a fondness for drawing only things that looked like, um, girl parts. We still refer to that time frame as her Vagina Phase. Praise Jeebus, she’s moved on!!

  • Love the drawings. But the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the tree, was Jeff Foxworthy talking about his wife’s family tree doesn’t fork. LOL I have no clue why. Damn I need to get out more LOL

  • I’d be very upset if I had no ears and a penis for a tail. Just saying.

  • I must have too many kids. I actually saw a car in that one picture, except it was more like one of these monster trucks these rednecks like to drive around here in Florida…

    • I have an abundance of siblings. I must have spent too much time with them growing up because I also saw a car. Or the other option is my drawings still look like that so I am just super in tune with his intentions.

  • This has me laughing so hard!!

  • Wait till your son is old enough to play “Draw Something” on Kindle and sends you a pictures of a penis. When I asked said 14 year old “What the hell is this?” He replied “A penis, can’t you tell?” I rolled my eyes and said “Duh, but what IS this? Draw Something never give you “penis” as an option”. He shrugged and went back to doing what he was doing. The jokes on him, though. I guessed the damn word, it was SHOES. HA! Can’t fool Mom! And I got the freaking points I deserved LOL

  • Oh my time does fly! My Son is now 21 & I STILL have some of his ..Um..Best? drawings on my fridge. LOL! And even now he will draw me a b-day card from time to time & each one is my fav! Is there any better position in life then being a Momma?