Remember when you were little and you did something SO bad, so horrendously awful that not only were you screamed at by using your full birth-given name, but your parents sad your bad little ass down and said
“We are VERY disappointed in you.”
And you felt like the most gigantic piece of shit on earth because the last thing you EVER wanted to do was disappoint your parents?
Yeah… I don’t. Never happened to me, but I sure do hear the tales of woe. I don’t know why my parents never used that on me; maybe they just never thought of it, or weren’t sneaky enough? They should have. I was a shit of a little kid with an attitude to match.
Guilt can be a wonderful tool of manipulation; in children, in adults, even in animals. Of course, this wonderful and POWERFUL tool can be used for good or for evil purposes- so it must be used wisely or things can get completely out of control.
Guilt can even be found in nature… that is, if you have a conscience, which always convinces you do that HORRIBLE thing we sometimes refer to as ‘the right thing’- I am thinking that most children under the age of 4 are exempt from this.
In most situations, I am a fan of guilt. If that dipshit who cut me off and nearly ran me off the road feels like horse-crap for the rest of the day about it? Good. Next time maybe they’ll think twice before trying to drag race to a red light. Herp-a-derp.
If that twat Becky in accounting stole your diet coke because she’s either too cheap to buy her own or bitchy enough to snatch someone else’s, and regrets it after she’s chugged the thing like it was the last beverage on earth just so no one would catch her with hot soda- GOOD. She deserves to feel like the twatty-twat she is. MAYBE it will even guilt her into buying you two to replace the one she snatched; probably not, but you never know. Guilt is just THAT powerful.
It’s all fun and games until you have kids, and along with all the panic and worry and stress on top of a lack of sleep and loose grasp of sanity- the guilt is ever-present; only in an all new form you weren’t quite prepared to have to deal with.
Parental Guilt, or on my case: Mommy Guilt.
Yes, it means we aren’t shit parents and we actually care enough about our kids to feel like shit about shit we shouldn’t feel like this about- but it is a giant pain in the ASS and will at times be so strong that you will find yourself doing INSANE things in order to just make it stop.
Taking away that toy because they chucked it at the wall and then blew a raspberry at you? Trust me, it was the right decision- even if they are attempting to pull your heart out through your throat by sobbing uncontrollably in between repetitions of snorting out “I sowwy, mommy!”– there was nothing wrong with punishing that kind of a-holey little kid behavior, but mommy guilt will try to convince you there is.
Say there’s a movie they really want to see, buy, watch, rent. Say there’s a good reason as to why you can’t buy watch rent or take them to see it. Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s the BEST excuse in the world- you will still feel like crap. You’ll never fully be able to explain WHY you feel like crap when you KNOW your reasoning is solid.. you just will. Yet another fabulous side-effect of motherhood!
Months ago, I found out that Victoria Justice (of Nickelodeon fame) was coming to Busch Gardens for a concert. For reasons unknown to me, my kids LOVE her. She annoys the piss out of me (not quite SpongeTurd level, but close), but they just can’t get enough. I blame the cheekbones.
|put those things away!|
They really, REALLY wanted to go to this concert. Being that it was at Busch Gardens, which we already have seasons passes to, the concert was free. Free and near their birthdays. Free and near their birthdays and I could claim it was a birthday present.
Come on, i’m not sitting through that shit without a LITTLE bit of benefit to myself.
So I made a promise that we would go to it, not having any idea what the next few months would bring us, where we’d be, what we’d be doing, etc.
Lo and behold, I was reminded that the concert was in a few days… in the middle of ear infection hell.
I thought, no way in hell can we go to this. Not gonna happen. I can’t sit through teenage screeching for hours after waiting in line for hours when I can’t even walk around the house without wanting to collapse to the ground and beg the Ear Gods for mercy.
And then the guilt started to get to me, because i’d PROMISED.
Then I heard that if you wanted to go and see this concert, you had to sit in line ALL DAY, with EVERYONE who you were planning on sitting with (because getting out of line and back in is considered to be line-cutting and is grounds for park dismissal. Yes, seriously). That’s 10am until the gates of the theater opened at 5:30. With two little kids. With an ear infection.
Again, I thought- NO WAY IN HELL can I do that. NO WAY! That is total bullshit and I can’t do it.
I settled with that feeling, and then the day of the concert came along- and news traveled down the grapevine through friends that you didn’t have to sit in line ALL day (unless you wanted front row; and fuck that), you just had to get into line and get your tickets, and then you could fuck off until whatever time you wanted to get in line.
And the guilt got to me. DAMN THAT MOMMY GUILT!
Against my better judgment, armed with medication- we freakin’ went to the stupid park to go to the stupid show just to make the kids happy because I promised them.
So we get there, and i’m feeling like total doodoo because my ear hurts and it’s so humid that i’m sweating profusely (and looking sexy as hell, might I add), and it’s 2 hours past lunch time but it’s RAINING and THUNDERING now, so ALL of the rides are closed- which means the lines for the food are now 3 hours long because there’s nothing else to do but stuff your face at an amusement park with no rides- so we can’t eat.
Did I leave then? DID I???
No. I fucking didn’t. Because of the guilt and the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach (y’know, besides the one of wanting to hurl from being drugged up, sweating, and starving) because I PROMISED. Ugh.
After we FINALLY eat, and it rains and stops raining and then rains and stops raining, we make our way to stand in line. Did I mention the line spanned 3 countries? What? It’s Busch Gardens Europe- it literally spanned 3 countries. It was ridiculous. Did that make me leave? No, it didn’t. And neither did the rain. Or the ear infection I worried about getting worse with the rain. I stuck a damn napkin in my ear.
We had come this far, waited this long, gotten soaking fucking wet- we were GOING TO SEE THIS CONCERT.
And then it happened: the sky opened up and it DOWN POURED harder than any down pour I have ever gotten stuck in.
|not at all like this|
Me with the infecto-ear ran for shelter, with Parker screeching not far behind me while poor Thomas just hung his head and accepted his fate of becoming completely water-logged. Spaz Holden was having a blast of a time.
Did we FINALLY just give up and go home?
NO! We were too far in. We were GOING to this damn concert if it killed us!
I see Thomas approach me a few minutes later…. the concert was cancelled. After ALL that effort and the hell we were put through, it was cancelled.
ALL because of my stupid Mommy Guilt because of some STUPID promise I made that the kids probably wouldn’t have even given two shits about if I just failed to ever bring it up again.. but nooooo “I feel bad! they wanted to go!”
I put a bag on my damn head and we went home..
Only to get a text message that the show would be rescheduled to today, at 5:30, and NO the tickets we waited for would not be honored, I would have to go back and do the whole waiting bullshit all over again.
Am I going to do it?
HELL NO I’M NOT.
Do I feel guilty?
HELL YES I DO.
The fact that the wine section of Wal-Mart is directly next to the baby section cannot be an accident.
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