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Bathroom breaks and urinal cakes

Let’s get one fact out of the way from the get-go: I am a procrastinator. Some might even call me QUEEN of procrastination. If there’s something I need to get done? I will wait until the very last second, pound my way through it whilst tearing out my hair (and turning the remaining hairs gray) and whining about it the entire time.
What? At least I accept my nature!

So, yes- I did just get Holden’s school registration paperwork. Yes, he does start next month. Yes, I DO still have to get the asinine amount of shit they handed me filled out by his pediatrician and then take it BACK to the school AND get shit notarized.
And yes, I will likely put a lot of that off even further. Why? I don’t really even know. I’m not in denial about my wittle-beeebeeee leaving me and going off to school (another blog put that into perspective for me). It’s just who I am. I work well under pressure… or something.

But do you know what I have been doing? THINKING. Always thinking.
Once I started to fill out the forms after dinner last night, my mind started to churn about Holden’s school days. Not the other students (whom i’m sure he will be an a-hole to) or the teachers (who i’m sure he will back-sass) or his competency level (because he’s a smart little shit and unfortunately knows he is smart, which makes him the shit he is)- but weird thoughts; do I have any other kind?

What has really been taking up the largest space in my brain when it comes to being ditched for kindergarten is the bathroom.
Yes, I said the bathroom. The public bathroom, to be more specific; and to be more specific than that- the public bathroom in the elementary school and potty breaks.

I’ll give my kid credit- he’s been shitting and pissing into the pot and not missing for years now. He, of course, has his rare accidents- but he’s very good about stopping what he’s doing and taking a wazz.
Regardless of all of his potty-prowess… when he pees, he drops trou. We’re talking, butt ass naked, pants and underwear to the floor, pelvis forward, shiny hiney out for everyone to see kind of peein’. It’s his style, I guess? And he seems to have absolutely no problem with it no matter how many times i’ve told him, in public, in a disgusting restroom with spackles of who the fuck knows what all over the floor, NOT to do it. It’s gross! You don’t NEED to pull your pants all the way down. You don’t NEED to be naked from the waist down to go to the bathroom (I know one adult like this… it’s fucking weird). It’s more work than it’s worth!

Is this normal?? Do all little boys do this? Is he going to be the only weirdo with his pimply-ass hanging out?

I mean, elementary school bathrooms are odd enough with their short-ass stalls that I imagine parents have to use during meetings or scoldings or whatever; with the tiny little toilets that you feel like you MIGHT fall over trying to squat down on their level, and you stand up and suddenly you can see into every single other stall because they’re so short that they’re only at boob level. Talk about awkward.

What about boys? I’m not a boy. I know nothing about urinals, and I REALLY don’t have any interest in learning about urinal cakes *gag*.  It took me months to learn how to help Holden aim (yeah… not something I ever imagined doing) and even then I still got the ickies every time a bathroom assist was necessary. I am out of the penis-bathroom-etiquette loop, and Thomas? Shit. As if he remembers that far back. He doesn’t even remember what we had for dinner last week without some serious mind-jogging, let alone his 5 year old bathroom habits 23 years ago.

What he DOES remember is that elementary schools, instead of having the off-the-floor single urinals with the privacy walls in between, they have floor to ceiling urinals.

DEAR GOD NO

Pause with me for a moment. Ew.
PLEASE let that have changed in 23 years… because… barf.

Is Holden just gonna be butt ass naked from the waist down, doodle hangin’ in the wind, no privacy to shield other innocent eyes, and that is the norm? Or is it not normal at ALL and I need to seriously retrain this kid how to only bring out the necessary players while going #1?
Pause with me again for a moment. Ew.

Seriously. I am worried about this bathroom business, y’all. WORRIED. Of all the things to be worried about, i’m worried about the boys bathroom. This… is my life.

Really though- boys bathrooms make no sense to me. I’m glad they make no sense to me; I can’t imagine peeing in front of another lady without a wall between us to protect my bits from bein’ all public and viewable; I had enough of that while giving birth.
 And come on now- wiping with a crowd? No fucking thank you! STALLS!!! Stalls are my friends.

I know that I never ever say this- what with the hormones and boob aches, mood swings, stretchmarks, fear of cameltoe and frumpy horse butt, cramps and exploding uteri…but I am so glad i’m a girl.

Posted on August 14, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 12 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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12 Comments

  • Not exactly the same, but my bros used to toss their clothes down when trying on new ones. Stopped when one of them tossed their clothes into pee. He had to wear the clothes to the check out line lol.

    I’m sure he’ll stop. The schools don’t have urinals last I check. They don’t want to risk anything happening. ~Wolf

  • The school I work at, and my kids have all 3 gone to school at, does not have floor to ceiling urinals…trust me, my children being the charming little demons they are would’ve come home and basically said, “Mom, you’re not gonna believe this shit…” Good luck to you and Holden 🙂 <3

  • I love this because my son started preschool last year and my major concern was his little white hiney all bare in a public restroom!! But after practicing to use the toilet without showing his butt he uses the toilet properly!!

  • I have the same exact fear. My son is 5years old, starts kindergarten the 31st of this month, and he also has an issue with droppin trou and letting his freak flag fly. Hopefully I can teach him how not to do that, but if not, he has a daddy to help.

  • I work at a school and from what I can tell floor to ceiling urinals stopped sometime in the 70s. My school has a single bathroom in each kinder classroom and there are partitions between the urinals in the common restrooms. But the ick factor is still there. At least once a day one kinder boy will pee on the floor. Good luck.

  • My son does the same thing!! I have tried to teach him that you only need to take out the weewee! Isn’t that the joy of being a boy?!

  • Dee Lindo helped me to remember my school had a bathroom in the kindergarten room. And it had a sign in sheet so if you left a mess you had to come back and clean it. Sucked when you had to really go and didn’t report it and then somebody after you did when you forgot.

  • My son did almost the same thing, except for a number 2 he insists on being completely nude so he can sit butterfly style with his feet on the toilet seat! However, when he started kindergarten I told him he couldn’t use a urinal unless his butt was covered or they’d make him use a stall “like a girl” he was so enthralled with those boys only urinals he had no problem adjusting. I was mystified as to how he swung his nude #2 for years tho. He’s in 6th grade and STILL does it! When I asked he said ” I don’t poop at school. Duh Mom. ” Duh indeed, lmao

  • Nolan likes to get completely naked to use the bathroom. I was so worried he was going to do it at school but he never did. I asked his teachers like 50 times and they swear he uses the potty like a normal human being while he’s there. He still has to be naked at home to go. Hopefully Holden realizes how he’s supposed to go the first day and just does it.

  • Let me make you feel better, Jenny. There’s a reason they have drains in the MIDDLE of the boys’ bathroom. Give him a few times of pulling up wet trousers, and he’ll get the hint. Just sayin.

  • My son used to pee like Holden. It took me and my dad months to convince him his ass didn’t have to show. Now I am lucky if he pulls them down enough to not get pee on the front of his pants. He will only pull his pants down enough that his wee-wee sits on top of them when he pees. It seems to me that boys are harder to teach in the bathroom. Hopefully Holden will figure out the butt doesn’t have to be bare to pee. And my know my sons school doesn’t have urinals, they use stalls. Middle and High School is where they have urinals I think.. Never really snuck into the mens room in school.

  • My sons name is Holden too <3.