Why my preschooler should replace Bob Costas

This will be my only blog on the Olympics. Why? Because i’m just not into writing about updates and scores and all that BS.

Don’t get me wrong-I love team USA. Sports outside of the Olympics though? You’d have to strap me down and hold my eyelids open. NO FUCKING THANK YOU. But The Olympics? I’d better not make plans for a full 16 days and fully expect my DVR to overload and self destruct from becoming so full with my regularly scheduled programming because I am horribly addicted to watching shit no human should probably EVER watch because it is so painfully boring and absurd that I don’t understand how it’s a sport let alone an OLYMPIC sport… I mean… CURLING? Seriously? This is for real? I know it’s a winter sport.. why I don’t know, but it is, and I still don’t understand it. It’s Shuffle Board. IT’S SHUFFLE BOARD.
I’m sure I now have Curling enthusiasts all up in arms about its long history and cultural importance of some kind or another but really… don’t enlighten me. I beg of you.

Anyway, I digress; I’m writing this blog because I f’ing LOATHE Bob Costas. He’s a douchey shitbrick. Yeah yeah experience, yeah yeah has the voice, blah blah knowledgeable. I don’t care. Last night was the last straw for me and Bobby.

Men’s gymnastics finals were a damn disaster. We’re talking.. EPIC FAIL. All was going well and good until that razzle-frazzled Pommel Horse. Have I mentioned I fucking HATE the pommel horse lately? Well, I do.

Yeah, dream crusher, i’m
talkin’ to you

Thank you oh-so much Turdy McCostas for informing us it was “going badly”– as if the SLO-MO replay wasn’t brutal enough. Oh, and also thank you for announcing that you were back, and then insisting on saying how that was clear.. since you were on the screen…
Captain Fucking obvious, here!

So my mission is to get Holden a gig as an Olympic commentator. Why? Because he’s not a condescending shitbricked turd…. and because even if we FAILED our way out of Mens Gymnastics Gold… or silver… or bronze…. Holden’s Olympic snarking could medal all on its own, making our country proud. Or something.
here are some of the highlights (that’s what they call them in sports, right?):

Men’s Swimming:
Holden: whoa, he has fat boobs!
Me: those are muscles
H: muscle boobs?

Canoeing. Don’t judge me. It was EXTREME CANOEING:
H: what’s his name?
Me: I can’t remember
H: France
Me: No, he’s from the US competing against France, his name isn’t France
H: His name is France and he’s from the US
Me: ……

Talking about Phelps:
H: that guy looks like our Daddy! (Parker chimes in the background LIKE DADDY, LIKE DADDY!)
Me: you say that about everyone
H: He has a little hair on his chin… and a little hair on his pecker
H: *hysterical laughter*

Me: What do you think about swimming?
H: Mommy, it takes 235,600 days to get there. That’s London.

Platform Diving:
H: Whoa, that’s a lot of flips!
Me: yeah that’s pretty cool, huh?
H: I will never EVER EVER platform dive! But I WILL do this
*jumps and twists on bed, nearly breaking his neck*
Me: Genius.

His thoughts on the Olympics as a whole?
“They’re Fantastic”

Now you tell me that isn’t the best GD Olympic commentating you ever did hear..er….read? Certainly better than Debbie Downing Turd Costas over there, never far behind with the “you already knew this but i’m going to rub it in like salt in a wound” blows to the gut.

I don’t give a flying fart in space if it doesn’t make sense, it’s still a bowl full of awesome, and that’s more than you got, Costas. Bring it!

*note: I do not really hate Bob Costas. I don’t really hate anyone. Please refrain from defending him to me, as I have no real problem with him and this is all meant to be, you guess it, funny

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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