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What we WOMEN will never understand

In the past, I have written blogs about what men will NEVER understand about women no matter how much time they spend with them, around them, married to them, raised by them. There are some things that I suppose will always remain an enigma to them about us womenfolk.
I’m not sure I buy into this different planets bullshit, because then i’d have to admit that Tom Cruise is partially right, and no way in hell am I doing THAT wacky shit- but we’re definitely different, other than what things we have hanging off of us. Fact of life we just have to accept as vagina toting bags-o-hormone.

By two heads, we all know
this is not what I meant

What about men, though? Are they really SO complicated to figure out? I know that ball-breaking dude-bashers like to claim men are ‘simple-minded’, uncomplicated, have two heads but think with one- and I don’t necessarily buy into that either… because us straight ladies marry dudes, and that would make us equally as simple to vow our lives to a creature that dense. Either that or we’re all control freaks… but I refuse to believe that either.
If they were so simple, we wouldn’t have so many DUDE problems and spend so many school dances crying in bathrooms. Am I right, or am I right?

We may still have the leg up on seeming complicated to the opposite gender, but there are some things, that no matter how much time I spend around men, married to them, or raised by one, or raising them- I will never understand.

Why are balls so itchy? What is the extreme fascination with boobs (Don’t get me wrong, I like boobs, but there’s a fine line between admiration and obsession)? How can you possibly have that much air in your intestines to push out of your ass? Seriously, that can’t be healthy.

I’m not searching for the meaning of life via testicles here, people. My questions, as most women’s questions of men who are no longer trying to DATE men, are relatively simple.
Honestly, that’s it. Everything else I ever wondered in the past, I either forgot about, or just don’t care anymore since i’m married and really don’t need to figure the shit out in order to work in my benefit any longer. Mystery solved itself, gotta love that!

The one itchy burny “you might want to get an ointment for that” type of question I still have might seem like somewhat of a backwards one, but being the totally out-there, has no shame type of lady, I run into it a lot, and it doesn’t really ever make more sense to me than it did while I was still trying to snag a dude from the dating pool- and that question is:

WHY do dudes get icked out by ladies’ bodily functions? 


We may be the “fairer sex”, or so i’m told by old standards and our less hardened exterior and round features. We may be able to wear dresses in public without funny looks- but damnit- we are HUMAN. Sure, we have a vagina that can widen to a girth you really don’t even want to know- but just like men, we have noses that make boogers, lungs that capture air and produce gigantic belches, and assholes with intestines attached that make poop.
YES, WE POOP. Why is this such a big deal?

And even once the dudes get past the fact that women DO indeed take shits and pass gas (even if never in their presence), there is childbirth. Ohhhh the beauty of nature that is childbirth! It is a wonderful natural experience that brings life to this planet! JOYOUS DAY!

Well, if you don’t want to make a dude cringe right the fuck out of his skin, you’d better stop there. Add any realism to that little love story and they lose their shit. A total full bodied case of the Heebies.

Men can go to see movies where there is graphic amounts of violence- heads being chopped clean off, or slowly sawed off. Blood gushing and squirting. A movie about people being stitched to each others asses and pooping through each other, and they also find movies where dudes shit all over themselves and the lobbies of hotels downright knee-slapping hilarious- ALL OF THIS IN THREE-FUCKING-DEE- but a woman mentions after-birth pooping or even vaguely refer to how veiny a placenta is, and suddenly you’ve “crossed the line” into TMI territory.
OMFG, I DIDN’T NEED TO READ THAT! THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! I JUST LOST MY APPETITE! 


I don’t get it. I could say so much worse than the casual mention of the first horrible terrible nearly life-ending poo after giving birth- trust me, I could go into graphic detail much like your famed Centipede movie, but I don’t (I do like to leave a little to the imagination), and suddenly you’re losing your lunch? Really?
No, seriously- stop it! REALLY??

You do know that this whole pooping after giving birth thing… are both caused by SPERM fertilizing an egg, right? And do you know where sperm comes from?
Perhaps if you didn’t want to read harmless banter about after-birth pooping (and we aren’t talking about pooping out LITERAL afterbirth, y’all. But AFTER. BIRTH. check the punctuation. Poop. Not blood and fluid and other delightful things)- you shouldn’t have sex with the ladies or whack it and donate your sperm to a bank- ’cause it’s a fact of life and it’s your own damn fault.
Duh, our fault too- BUT ALSO YOUR FAULT. Accept it, deal with it, and be thankful I didn’t describe to you how popping a va-jay-jay stitch feels WHILE taking a poop.

We ladies could be a hell of a lot more disgusting, but we’re trying to spare you, you dainty little flowers.

Posted on July 6, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 17 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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17 Comments

  • I am ROLLING over here!!
    Hopefully you will get your answer because I, too, would like to know!

  • fricken amazingLy HILARIOUS!

  • I find this article entertaining, and even as a guy, I gotta agree. Most guys are like that and I’d sure as hell like to know why too. Now don’t get me wrong, if you blow ass and it’s a good one, I may call you out but it’s nothing more than I’d do in male company if one of them did the same. I do find it quite funny how grossed out guys are by that kind of stuff, and like you said, can still sit there and watch things like “Jack Ass” and that’s ok. I wish you luck in your search for answers and hope you can figure it out because I sure as hell can’t help ya with it.

  • When i was dating my husband (35 years ago..) when we hung out w/ his friends every couple of weeks, i cud be one of the guys and burp the alphabet and chug beer with them fora laugh… Where did ‘that’ little princess go you ask..?
    I’ll tell u where.., three boys with a million belches and bodily noises later (theirs of course) cured me of that humour… lol

  • Lost my comment twice when trying to prove i’m not a robot.. You’ll have to trust me.., it was ‘really’ funny.. lol

  • the kind of man who would delight in your colonic abominations and salivate when you demonstrate inhuman elasticity might not be the kind you want behind you in the dark

  • It was going along wonderful, even had some great action scenes, then you had to end it with THAT. Ew. Too much information. I mean, come on, you use flag-words like “vagina” and “boobs” to get us hooked, real us in with “violence, blood, gore”, then spring the really nasty stuff on us? I was trying to eat while I read this! By the way, my wife does not poop nor did my mother…that kind of stuff doesn’t happen with women, and I’d appreciate it if you stopped spreading around such vicious lies.

  • ^^^^ Dainty flowers, y’all. Dainty flowers.

  • As a Guy that stumbled on this blog the answer is simple! Guys are visual!! We see this beautiful women of our dreams and the dream does not include bodily functions. That would ruins the fantasy!! I know that is shallow but face it ladies you are about feelings and we are about how sexy you look! Granted when we spend years with you we live with your bodily functions just as you live with ours. FYI… on my bucket list is to deliver a baby!! I have seen all 3 of my kids come into this world 2 vaginally and 1 C section. It did not gross me out in the least. I asked to help as there were plenty of Nurses for her. I’m just telling you the way I see it!!!

  • OMG!! I can’t breathe, I am laughing so hard!!

  • Aaaaah, this post brought back so many fond memories. 5 kids. 5 poos after giving birth. Good times, good times.

  • You saw that human centipede movie too huh? I’ve come to the conclusion that men are just strange..

  • You are so freaking hilarious!!!! Love it 🙂

  • Reading this, reminds me of hearing that Kanye West isn’t going to see his kid crawl out of the sewer of a hole on Kim. It’s amazing how many guys are pussies over the must mundane shit. If my wife didn’t talk about these things I’d be worried. We laugh at it all. You have to! This was a great read, and I had a great laugh as I always do when trading this amazing blog! Keep it coming!

    Kevin

  • First of all not all of us have itchy balls.
    I was there for the delivery of both my children. I even convinced the doctor to let me catch them and cut the cord. I was busy with the nurse cleaning them up when the placenta was popped out but told the doctor I wanted to see it before they took it away.
    Another thing that doesn’t bother me is picking up your supplies at the store. I mean really do they think they are for me. Hell most of the time I get simpothy when I tell the clerk I am buying for three.

  • I have always been and always will be a tomboy. Most of my friends growing up were guys, so belching and passing gas is nothing new, lol. I’m glad that I found a man that doesn’t get grossed out by such ordinary bodily functions. Heck, he even teases me about it most of the time.