Surprisingly, a lot of people have been asking me how my 10 year High School reunion yet. I guess when you make a gigantic deal about getting the shits every time you go to look for a dress, and complain about the shitbricks in your graduating class who can bitch on Facebook about the event but not come to it- people tend to get curious about its outcome.
My bad, y’all.
Just as surprising as the curiosity about this event that has been torturing me for months (as I was on the planning committee… the THIRD one since the first two disappeared off the face of the earth)- is the fact that I actually learned a little from attending it. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they were LIFE-ALTERING-LESSONS THAT WILL CHANGE THE COURSE OF MY LIFE FOREVERRRRRRR,
but y’know… they are funny weird little things I didn’t expect to walk away with (and yes, I WAS walking by the end of the night). And it wasn’t just reunion night, but the first night Thomas and I had been out together since January of 2008 without the kids (yeah, you fucking read that right!)- and the first time the kids had EVER really had a real live babysitter during their waking hours (yeah, you read that right too).
So I am going to do what I personally think I do best in times of putting together the randomness swirling around my head- i’m gonna make a damn list. Deal with it.
1. Just as expected- my kids are a hell of a lot better behaved for everyone other than me. Or other people have a higher pain tolerance. Or other people just aren’t around for long enough to have it wear them the hell down to where they are considering a nice quiet stay at the nutfarm.
2. Five minutes out of the door and I get a message from the (male) friend watching the kids that went a little something like:
“Parker peed his pants and I can’t find him any extra underwear”
It was then I realized that cleaning every room in the house EXCEPT the master bedroom, where all the clean clothes are (including my underwear all over the place) was probably not the wisest of ideas.
3. There’s a reason I don’t wear heels very often. Ok, more than one reason.
A) it makes me look like a fucking giant. We’re talking 6 feet tall.
B) I don’t walk CUTE in heels, and the whole point of heels is to look cute. Standing STILL at a reunion?
Not an option.
4. Heels are a drunk-meter. If you can still walk in 5-inch heels, you are either a fucking acrobat, or not drunk.
5. I think I finally get my full-fledged woman card. The dress I wore? Returned it the next day. I feel like in order to be a REAL woman, you must at least pull that off once in your lifetime.
What sucks is that I fucking LOVED that dress, and I don’t love dresses. In fact, I hate them. They suck. That must mean that dress and I were meant to be. I’d marry that dress if I could… and if it were legal… and if it were comfortable to wear something so tight that you could literally see that lovely catered meal digesting.
6. Not many people really recognized me. It was a lot of “I think I know you from somewhere…”s. Well DUH, you knew me from your graduating class ya ding-dong.
7. Not really recognizing me meant that not many people there actually KNEW me, or still know me. This lead to everyone thinking that my loud ass foul mouth and derpy nature was due to alcohol. Um, no. Hate to break it to you, but that’s me all.the.time.
8. Ten years ago I would have been really fucking annoyed that people had the wrong impression of me- but i’m not the same person I was ten years ago, and I don’t give a shit if people thought I was the drunk-ass of the reunion (even over the dude who was yelling ‘PUSSY!’ at the resort bar. Which was full of children)
9. I can get along with just about anyone, but not just anyone can get along with me- and i’m ok with that.
10. I used to hate public speaking because it made me nervous, but now I avoid it because I am horribly inappropriate… and as co-hostess of the reunion, the mic was shoved at me quite frequently. I’m pretty sure my co-hostess regretted that decision immediately. Especially during the raffle. I have to wonder if the people who won my baked goods actually ate them, or if they burned them with fire.
11. Can’t forget 11. If you’re worried about going to your high school reunion- maybe your life isn’t what you thought it would be. Maybe you aren’t as accomplished as you think everyone else will be and you’re going to have to somehow memorize the post-it glue formula in order to look like a supa-genius? Yeah, don’t. It’s only been 10 years, and chances are no one’s going to think you’re a fuck up who’s done nothing with your life. Or be all that impressed if you have. They’re just looking for the bar.
So really, at the end of the day- my advice is to go to yours. Have fun. Reminisce a little. Don’t whine about ticket prices, because I can tell ya- planning the crap ain’t easy- and it’s only once in TEN years. You might look like poo on a stick in 25, so don’t you want to show off that you’re still hot while you still can?
I had a good time, and at least enough memories to tide me over until the next- which I will NOT be planning.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times