Don’t ask me why, because I honestly could not tell you even if I dredged the inner bowels of my brain, but when it comes to becoming discouraged in life… it just doesn’t happen to me. I don’t want to go as far as to say never, because i’m positive that would be a ridiculous lie of forgetfulness, and my memory doesn’t very clearly remember a time before exploding crotch fruit upon this earth- so while I am pretty sure it HAS, no longer does it.
It’s not that I have nothing to get discouraged about (which would mean I would never get encouraged)- I just have to assume that instead, when I hit some kind of roadblock that tells me I can’t or won’t be able to do something, I get frustrated. And let me tell you something folks, frustration is something I can work with. I feed off of it- it just turns into adrenaline and I guess you could call me an adrenaline junky because I thrive in that kind of situation.
I’m weird, what can I say?
I suppose I always knew that streak couldn’t last forever, as nice as that would be. Eventually I would find something to really knock me back, although I hoped not to.
Now, as I am trying to take a step forward in my life, to really advance to where I had hoped the road I’ve chosen would take me, to move toward what I want and dream of- outside of my family life and raising amazing children- i’ve hit a wall. And it’s a big wall. A wall I didn’t expect, or see coming- so it literally knocked the wind out of me.
Suddenly, instead of cruising toward what I want, having it right within reach (or so I thought)- I watched it get yanked away from my grip. I saw my dream really as just a DREAM instead of a reality.
That’s when it came- discouragement. A sinking feeling that I could never actually get what I was aiming for. Never gonna happen. No way in hell. It’s a lost cause. I can’t do it.
Honestly- I was completely overwhelmed. The feeling was so intense and awful that I felt like I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t think about anything else. Just the fact that I couldn’t do it, because it was never going to happen.
The last time I felt this horrible was when i’d been induced with Holden and 6 hours had gone by with absolutely zero progress, and I was threatened with a c-section if I didn’t pop a kid out ASAP (thank you oh so much, blood pressure!)
In both cases, I just couldn’t kick the feeling. I closed my eyes and hoped and wished for it to just magically go away, but instead it just got worse. And what was discouragement started to turn to bitterness.
It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening. I GIVE UP.
If you know anything about me other than the fact that I make poo jokes on a regular basis and call my kids “crotch fruit” and have an irrational love of reeses cups- you know I do NOT give up. It’s not in me to do it. But these two times… I wanted to. Almost more than I wanted what it seemed like I couldn’t have, I wanted to give up. Wouldn’t it feel better to just let it go? To stop trying if it’s not going to happen and have all of this work and effort wasted?
The long and short of it is this: NO. It’s not better to just give up and let go, even if that’s the easier way out. Even if it would feel better, like a giant anvil lifted from your shoulders… it would only be temporary. And then you’d begin to wonder what would happen if you DID try? If you did something that you didn’t think you could do, or you were told you couldn’t do? What would have happened? What could have been? I wish I had. I regret not.
Regret is worse than discouragement.
WHAT IF- as it turned out, you could do it- but you had to really overcome what your brain, or your friends, your family, or the stupid internet were all telling you was wrong- But you COULD. It wouldn’t be easy, or quick; it might even be excrutiating and frustrating and awful, but you could?
Take a step back. A deep breath, or even 20 of them. Get some sleep. STOP reading or listening to whatever is telling you that you “can’t” or that it’s “pointless.”
And then when you wake up, take a look at it again with fresh eyes and a rested mind- and realize that you CAN do it. You might not want to, it might be harder than anything you’ve ever done but you CAN do it. Why? Because people do “impossible” things every single damn day. And if they can do it, so can you. Why the hell NOT?
And you know what else? Even if you don’t get exactly what it is that you want- usually along the journey of trying as hard as you f’ing can- you figure out that it wasn’t exactly right for you anyway, and you find what IS, and that, my friends, is success.
Now, if you’ll excuse me- i’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and go and do what I was told I couldn’t.
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