That Tooth Fairy is one twisted chick

If you go into parenthood with your head firmly cemented to your shoulders and a realistic outlook on what the next 18 years of your life is going to look like, you will already be aware that raising kids is not at all like walking through a field of fucking daisies while singing showtunes.

Yes- being a parent is great. Kids are wonderful. Blah blah blah rainbows and butterflies! That being said- as i’ve always said- it is also a hard job. Manual labor.
It’s Mike Rowe in a pipe 12 feet underground full of festering shit. But somehow, he keeps going back for more because he enjoys it. THAT is parenting. It’s weird.

If you familiarize yourself with what you’re getting into- you know you’re going to be knee deep in poo-splosions, scraped knees, bloody lips, possibly a broken bone or 5, face-melting temper tantrums, the terrible tw—- everythings, you know that sleeping in is a thing of the past, as may be getting to eat your food while it’s still hot. You know, hands down, that you will be dealing with a miniature dictator. A horribly cute, can get away with a lot of shit you’d smack the balls off an adult for, miniature dictator.

Somehow, and I think it must be an unwritten rule.. or a curse… the one thing that absolutely will end up horrifying you the most, the one thing that will give you nightmares for years to come, the one thing that you swear yells at you (even though i’m quite positive these ‘things’ can’t speak for themselves) “YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!”… you are never prepared for. NEVER! You didn’t even think of it. You totally forgot, or perhaps you burned it from your recollection, or you were just living on the “ignorance is bliss” train (which sometimes, i’ll admit, i’m a fan of) and when someone mentioned to you the horrors you’d be facing, it went right over your head.

huuurrggghhhhh, weird.

That, for me? Teeth. Yes, I said teeth. I remember back before Holden got teeth and I thought he was so cute, and suddenly those little fuckers came jabbing through his gums and they completely freaked me out. It’s not like I dig dudes with no teeth in their mouth, so I honestly have no idea why the presence of new ones in a baby’s mouth would weird me out so, but it is what it is. And really, that should have prepared me for the next step after you GET teeth.

I don’t really have any excuse as to how this slipped my mind other than that i’m losing mine- but it did. And it was a mighty blissful existence I must say- forgetting about how when I was in Kindergarten I lost my very first tooth and I screamed and cried and nearly pissed my purple leggings (the kind with lace right at thigh level) because I swore to jeebus that i’d broken my tooth off. Yeah, my parents failed to tell me that this tin little chicklet teeth would soon be falling the fuck out of my head one day. Thanks, y’all.  Anyway… so yeah, I forgot about that shit. And all the times I spent dangling a tooth on one nerve, or trying to yank one out and having it not budge….
Holy balls y’all, I am cringing just TYPING IT. It’s that kind of bad. I slightly have the urge to hurl.

And then today comes along. Tuesday is the new Monday, didn’t you know? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.
So yeah, today- Holden starts screaming from the other room about some kind of “Bloody Claw”- which makes absolutely no fucking sense to me until he runs into the living room and plops a blood soaked DOG TOOTH INTO MY HAND.
Yes, caps were necessary. Say it with me now: EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

And then, suddenly, the realization hits me. Kind of like when you’re a chick and your period starts and you’re all “yay i’m a woman!” and then you’re all “THIS SUCKS ROTTEN ASS!”– it hit me like that.
HOLY SHIT ON A STICK. Not only do I have two CHILDREN who are going to be losing all of their baby teeth, but a DOG too. BARF.

Barf. Say it ain’t so!

Now all I have floating through my head is the thought of my children with teeth dangling by one tiny little piece of tissue, and they keep pushing it forward with their tongue while yelling with glee “LOOK MOMMY! LOOF TOOF!” and i’m going to have to pardon myself to the bathroom to barf into a sink while everyone whispers about how they think i’ve gone and gotten myself knocked up again; and by the time I convince them all that I am NOT in fact burgeoning with baby- another fucking tooth will come loose and one of these booger-picking kids will tie a string to it and try the old “slam the door, yank the tooth” method, and i’ll have to go and puke again, and once again get everyone whispering about the contents of my uterus.

To put it short: It’s going to be AWESOME!!!!

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Hmm, good to see my kids aren’t the only ones with that freakish jagged edge to the new teeth coming in. Not that I spend much time in the mouths of other peoples kids.

  • It really is funny how you are able to take things that you thought would totally freak you out and then some things just about make you pass out. For me, it’s the whining. I go ape-shit-crazy when it starts and quickly lose my cool. Because I’m a sane, somewhat mature adult, I am able to control the rage but the whining….oh my.

  • It’s the getting the teeth that geeks me out… the losing not so much bc i can throw those suckers awayyyyyy! i remember going through my grandmother’s jewelry box when she passed and i found all of my lost teeth… SHE KEPT THEM! ewwwww