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My cups runneth over

From all of the internet chatter, I have gathered that today is something ridiculous like “National No-Bra Day”, and while I am absolutely NOT participating in this made-up-for-who-the-fuck-knows-what-reason-probably-by-a-dude-just-to-see-some-nipples holiday, it did remind me about some trouble i’ve been having lately.

BUT JENNY- YOU DON’T HAVE BOOBS! AREN’T YOU A CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF THE ITTY-BITTY-TITTY-COMMITTEE???

Why yes, yes I am. And while you might think that having mosquito bites where many women have annoyingly heavy heaving bosoms (yeah, i’m lookin’ at you Perry. Put that shit away, you’ve already burned Elmo’s retinas) means that I don’t wear bras- you’d be wrong.
Personally, I like bras. I don’t find them to be confining, annoying, torture devices built by men to ‘keep us down’ or whatever the hell it is that bra-burners think.
There’s just something about free-boobin’ that I find to be horribly uncomfortable, and i’d really rather give off the illusion of actually HAVING boobs and a teensy bit of cleav. Only way to do that when ya don’t? Bra. Hail to the Bra!!

I would own a bra for every single day of the week if I could actually afford it- but for some reason un-fucking-known to me, a bra that doesn’t give you cone-tit or look like something that came out of your grandmother’s attic costs a small fortune. Yeah yeah, Target and places like that sell them for cheap- I guess my skeeters just have expensive taste.

This expensiveness of boulder-holders (or pebble holders if we’re being picky about terminology here) really didn’t work in my favor when I got pregnant with the kids and my mini-boob expanded to giant perky porn-star boobs. Sure, I was a fan- it was fantabulous! BOOBS! FINALLY! THANK YOU BOOB FAIRY!
But had to immediately go out and buy a bunch of NEW bras with which to contain bosom that I could actually consider ‘heaving’- I mean I HAD to, no one wants a bra so small you get the boob-bubble effect- and I suppose there was a part of me (A GIANT BOOB LOVING PART) that hoped they would stick around long after i’d expelled a child from my lady-bits. Then I could have big boobs and nice new things to put them in.

Yeah well, it’s a no-brainer that when it came to boobage I was not one of the lucky ones. Not only did the boobs shrink, but I swear to the sweet home-birthed baby Jesus that they got SMALLER. And no, not from breastfeeding- this mama never had milk come in (and let’s not relive that boob queefing experience with the pump again)- the Boob Fairy is just an evil bitch who skipped over me, and didn’t want something as silly as a baby give me when she intentionally did not. Greedy twatburger.

So then you might assume that because I didn’t get to keep the boobs, in a moment of pure bitter hatred, I took the big bras and burned them… and then peed on the ashes, right?
I mean, why keep bras around if I obviously can’t wear them without looking like i’m wearing armor fashioned by a medieval blacksmith because it sits SO far off of my chest?

I didn’t. I still have them. Every last one of them, from both friggin’ pregnancies.
Why???
Look, I don’t believe in a lot of old wives tales, because if a single one of them were true, i’d have dueling vaginas in this house instead of sword-fighting peckers- but there is one that bit my ass in the ass, and it’s the one that says the MOMENT you get rid of the last article of your baby clothes- you’d better get a stick to piss on because you’ll end up pregnant again faster than you can say “CONDOM!” I have proof of this one, solid, simple proof, and his name is Parker. I figure if I bought those tit-slings FOR pregnancy, and I get rid of said tit-slings- it will have the same effect on my stupid bitch-ass of a uterus that baby clothes did.
It makes sense to me.

So yes, I still have them. They are still in my bra drawer. They are actually OVERFLOWING my bra drawer, almost taunting me every time I open it to grab one that actually does fit my itty-bitties. I actually spend a good amount of time fighting with those stupid things to get them to fit back into the drawer after pulling one out, just to be able to close it again.
And so now I bet you’re thinking, “Well, why don’t you put those things away? Just put them in a box and pack them away so they stop bothering you. I’ve never heard of an urban legend that has anything to do with putting bras away in a closet.”
And that’s because there isn’t one. I’m just lazy.
Don’t judge me.

Posted on July 9, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 11 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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11 Comments

  • DO NOT get rid of those bras until you go through menopause. Don’t even THINK of getting rid of them. I didn’t even have to get rid of anything, just consider it, and I got pregnant with Hulkster.
    Oh, I didn’t do “No Bra Day” either. That would be so uncomfy.

  • LMAO! I love you!!! I swear boobs have come up so much in my life recently it’s hilarious!! And I love that you can make me laugh when I’m having a shitty day, so I definitely thank you for that!!!

  • I will gladly share my boobage with you hehe. I have always had big boobs, they run in the family. And I hate it! I cannot buy a ‘cheap’ bra at wal-mart or anything because they do not come big enough, or fit the right way. No, I have to go to the plus sized stores and even then I have a hard time finding my size in store and am often refereed to the online site to purchase the bras. And I must have underwire or I get uni-boob, which is horrible. I get sever back pain from them and pray daily that I win the lottery so I can afford a massive reduction!

  • Major constant love from me too…I’m a huge fan and really, really hope you’re right about the boobage pulling a Houdini after baby. I was ok with my cleav pre-baby….not skeeter-bites and not well-endowed, just somewhere nice in the middle. While I’m so very thankful they’re feeding my babe well, I am not loving the “What the heck happened, what size am I????” moments every time I have to buy something to clothe these boulders. We’re almost eight months in to breastfeeding…when exactly should I/could I anticipate the reduction?

  • Never nursed here, but from what I am told- either never, or when the cups no longer runneth over lol

  • Damn that greedy twatburger! Haha that made me crack up hard…Maybe I’m just cracked mentally? IDK Either way you are hilarious and I love you! (I totally hate bras and will participate in no bra day in my own home as much as I can!)

  • As a normal b size kind of girl, I am utterly confused as to how during this, my 3rd, pregnancy I have inherited size d-dd boobs. I mean, the other 2 I barely made it into the C category. (No nursing here either). I’m still trying to figure out what to do with these honkers.

    And thanks for the laugh. I even managed not to pee myself… this time, anyway.

  • Never had boobs, bought some boobs and now after baby number 5 they are fucking massive.

    Ever tried running with giant, milk filled bazookas? Mission impossible. Hence my fat ass.

    xx

  • Seriously. The mental image of you burning bras in a pile, a la “Waiting to Exhale”, and then peeing on said pile like some bad Lord of the Flies/Clan of the Cave Bear crossover made me giggle. And I’m a dude. Dudes reading about boobs shouldn’t giggle.

  • Wereboob has been known to have a giggly effect. Quagmire would be so ashamed

  • Oh my son heard me laughing so hard he wanted to know why.. Obviously I couldn’t even come up with a bad lie, so I had to say none ya business! Never nursed here either, & the engorged boobies were awful. However, what nobody ever told me, was the stretching would cause the push up bra to be my very best friend (I’m lucky to have a decent B cup), until I get the lift I have wanted for the last 10 years. I tease my son about stealing the blonde from my hair, but don’t have the heart to scar his 11 year old brain with the fact that he stole my tetas as well, haha!