My baby is going to school…. Yay??? Ok, YAY!

The phone calls are starting to come, the time is ticking away, the summer is halfway over, sales on paper products and colorful bindery-type things are going on super sale, and as much as i’ve been kicking and screaming and playing the ‘ignorance is bliss card’, completely using my post-preggo forgetfulness to my advantage- I suppose I can’t ignore it any longer.
It’s becoming back to school time, y’all.

Any year of the past, this didn’t bother me- it just mean less asshole kids screaming in the streets and in general being turdy hoodlums, it didn’t mean anything to me last year because i’d made the decision not to send Holden to public pre-k and to homeschool him myself… but that was only a temporary fix to a very stupid problem, and trust me when I say I am not mentally strong enough to continuing his schooling at home beyond just preschool junk… so it’s time. Time to send my baby off to kindergarten. Time to send him away for the very first time.

For nearly 5 years that kid has spent practically every single hour of every single day with me; usually only me. And then came his brother, so we turned into the terrific twosome into the Three Musketeers- only far more whiny and without the fancy costumes.

I’ve going through that whole “I have to send my baby away! What will I do without him?” self-pitying crap for almost a full year- even with the entire year of putting it off- even if he yells at me for calling him my baby, he will always be my baby- and WAAHHHHH I don’t WANT to send my baby to school! 

Now, in order to curb this horribly whininess, paranoia, fear, and extreme nervousness i’m feeling, so that I don’t completely lose my ever-loving mind and turn into a heaping mess of snot and tears when the day comes for him to put on his backpack and walk onto the bus… I have made a list of the reasons why sending my “baby” off to school is a GOOD thing.

1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder-
Look, I love my kid. LOVE. The kind of love you can’t honestly put into words- but if we are being honest… he’s an asshole. Truth talk. The age of 4 has been the absolute worst of all nearly 5 years he’s spent on this planet. This includes the 6 months of reflux screaming as an infant. It also includes the “terrible” 2s and the “HOLY FUCK” 3s. It’s worse. It’s all of those combined plus the teenage rebellion years, and a mouth to match it.
Holden going to school means the majority of that mouth will be used on someone other than me (although hopefully not at all, you know the unspoken law that says children always act like angels for everyone else). This means me not hearing as much of the mouth. A giant Holdeny mouth break. This means when he comes home I will have missed him instead of being exhausted by him… and therefore (even though I ALWAYS love him) I will like him more. Boom.

2. Far more material for “My Child, the Artist” series and other LOL-worthy schoolwork
If you’ve been around here a little while, you know just how much I love (to make fun of) my kids’ artwork. I mean LOVE. There is almost nothing I enjoy more than a picture drawn of a sibling that looks more like a penis laying an egg. I love it so much i’ve written three blogs about it.
Can you just imagine my sheer and utter delight thinking about the work that my little ‘artist’ will bring home from school? The stories he will eventually write? The weird shit that flies off the top of his head when asked to draw specific things that do not at ALL look like the things he was asked to draw? Hell-to-the-YES.
I don’t usually like surprises (actually I LOATHE them)… but this is going to be like Christmas morning for me every single weekday. I do also expect to get a few calls home about the level of weird he expresses in class. Haters gonna hate, y’all.

3. Helloooooooooooooo Naptime!
For about a year now, Holden has thought he’s better’n nap time. So.. about 99 times out of 100, he doesn’t take one, and instead bangs around upstairs like he’s conducting a fucking marching band. Apparently “LAY DOWN AND BE QUIET” means “Kick the walls as hard as you can!”
It doesn’t. And once big turd is out of the house during nap time? Nap time for the little turd will go much more smoothly. HEY! Maybe he’ll even started to nap in his ROOM and then it’ll REALLY be a party!

4. No more growling/biting/screaming/slapping/whining matches- 
Look, i’m pretty sure i’m not going to be fighting with Parker over a single Hotwheels car ANY time in the near future, therefore, these balls to the wall shit-fits they both threw over who got what toy and when and in what order and the “MINE MINE MINE” will cease. One would hope that by the time Holden drags his ass in the door from giving his teachers hell, they’ll be so excited to see each other that fighting will be a thing of the past. Snort. I know you’re snorting. A girl can dream.

5. My dog won’t be such a raging asshole anymore-
Yes, i’m aware that puppies will be puppies, which can include things like biting and nipping and whining and all kinds of other obnoxious things (much like a small child)- but Holden REALLY brings out the asshole in this dog. I really don’t know what it is, but when those two get together it’s worse than my two HUMAN children together. It makes me want to sell ONE of them on Craigslist, and i’m not referring to the outdoor shitting animal. 
With Holden’s instigating ass out for the day- the dog will finally have a chance to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Score.

6. Lunch. Ahhhhh lunch-
For nearly three years, I have been making lunch for 3 people 5 days a week. Four people on the weekends. Shit, when I was watching my brother’s kid it was 4 people every damn day. And then during lunch? Well, good fucking luck getting anyone to eat. Picky mcPickerton Parker has days where he either hates distraction or loves it, and the kind of distraction IS?
Duh. Holden. He loves to make fun of Parker for not eating as fast, tease him with toys, slam his food down his throat and get up in 5 minutes, when it takes Parker a good 45- so they’re fighting for about 40 minutes straight. Every day. This does not an enjoyable meal make.

No Holden? Peaceful lunch. Ahhhhhhhhh yeah, I can hear the waves crashing on the beach now.
Wait… huh?? Yeah i’m going with it.

Look, I know this whole blog has been centered around how awesome it is that Holden’s going to go to school because he’s been such a shit lately that it’s about time he got out and took it out on people other than me…
But let’s face reality here. I’m not a tyrannical loveless bitch. My kids are my entire world- and really i’m just trying to find a way not to lose my SHIT when I don’t have my BABY around anymore to snuggle on… even if he hates it.
Pardon me while I go and force him to cuddle with me while he yells at me and tries to get away… probably to go pick his nose and eat it like the BIG boy he is.

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I put munchkin in a pre pre-k program. Now that she is going into (gasp I am not ready for it) 3rd grade it will be her 6th year of school. I was heartbroken on her first day when she looked at me and said “OK, bye mommy” and REFUSED to give me a hug or a kiss. Now, I am so ready for school to start back, and let her unleash her snark on another adult (I already know I will get many emails, and phone calls home this year). I swear as she is getting older the attitude is worse, and she is an “angel” for the first few weeks of school, but after that my child shows her true self to the teacher. I just hope that she will get the additional work she needs to keep her little ass busy, so she does not get up and bother the kids that are still working.

  • My son is starting the third grade this year and I count down the days that he goes back to school. I am sad that he is going back, but it gives me a freaking break. I have energy and I get shit done. I noticed last year, about an hour before he gets home from school I start to drag and I get sooooo tired. That is because my body is preparing itself for what it has to deal with once the Booger gets home from school. I feel your joy and sadness on this one!

  • I have taken my youngest son to school in the first day every year except 2nd & 3rd grades when he lived in Fla with his mom. I get choked up every year still. I also go eat lunch with all 3 on their birthdays. K-6th is eat the school lunch but 7th grade on is check them out of school and take them to eat. This year was a challenge with the oldest in College!! First day of Kindergarten or College you still get choked up and watch them for a few extra moments either through the glass of the door or as they walk away!!

  • It will be as emotional as you make it and that’s all ok. However, as time rolls on you both will get with the schedule and live on. I at times found it easier with my 6yo and 3yo when they were both home together on an occasional snow day or sick day. Then summer came. All they do is fight and touch each other and not in any kinky way but the “I’m here to annoy you in every way” way. I quit my job to stay home with these two freaks and I realize it has to me be that has made them this way. OFG what have I done? Long story short…I am curious to see what this fall will bring with the older one out of the house for the majority of the day. Preschool for the 3yo is not yet out of the equation. We shall see. Come on school!!! Let it begin.

  • My oldest starts 1st grade this year. I will be happy to not have to hear him and his younger brother (aka booger factory) fight all day every day anymore. All they do is look and each other and it causes screaming and hitting. I don’t get it! I will however miss the extra set of eyes to locate the youngest and make sure he isn’t up to anything. That little creep is quick! Last year when the oldest started school the hardest part was the day that he told me he didn’t want me to walk him into school anymore =( I also hated watching him walk away from my car into school everyday. As much as he drives me nuts I still miss him so much when he is at school. One day I picked him up and his teacher says “Oh so you’re Riley’s mom?” I was thinking oh crap! I know what happened he’s in trouble! I was just about to respond with what did he do when the teacher started going on and on about how awesome and smart he is! She said that she wanted a whole class of just him. I had to literally point at him and say “This Riley?” Haha. He is a shit at home. And I mean a real terror! I couldn’t believe it. Oh and don’t get to excited about not hearing his mouth all day. He would get home from school and it would be 10 times as bad. It was like he waited and just saved it all for me! It was so annoying!

  • You know what.convinced me that pre k was a good thing?.The day my girls ripped (yes, RIPPED) the door off of my refrigerator trying to reach their “land of forgotten toys”. They used the door shelves as a ladder. School? Hell yes! 17 years later, they still laugh about it as I bristle.

  • My oldest will be going into 3 rd grade this year and my baby who’s been with me as well for the past five years is going into kindergarten (tears)…with the oldest she walked into preschool the first day 3 years old and didn’t look back my heart broke but then I realized I did my job as a parent she’s secure enough in herself to be away from me…WOW I DID SOMETHING RIGHT! But now as my baby is getting ready to go and I’m dreading every second what am I going to do without my little partner in crime but I have to keep telling myself its just life it has to happen and let’s face it if I don’t put her in they’ll send me to jail and that shit just ain’t happening lol