The phone calls are starting to come, the time is ticking away, the summer is halfway over, sales on paper products and colorful bindery-type things are going on super sale, and as much as i’ve been kicking and screaming and playing the ‘ignorance is bliss card’, completely using my post-preggo forgetfulness to my advantage- I suppose I can’t ignore it any longer.
It’s becoming back to school time, y’all.
Any year of the past, this didn’t bother me- it just mean less asshole kids screaming in the streets and in general being turdy hoodlums, it didn’t mean anything to me last year because i’d made the decision not to send Holden to public pre-k and to homeschool him myself… but that was only a temporary fix to a very stupid problem, and trust me when I say I am not mentally strong enough to continuing his schooling at home beyond just preschool junk… so it’s time. Time to send my baby off to kindergarten. Time to send him away for the very first time.
For nearly 5 years that kid has spent practically every single hour of every single day with me; usually only me. And then came his brother, so we turned into the terrific twosome into the Three Musketeers- only far more whiny and without the fancy costumes.
I’ve going through that whole “I have to send my baby away! What will I do without him?” self-pitying crap for almost a full year- even with the entire year of putting it off- even if he yells at me for calling him my baby, he will always be my baby- and WAAHHHHH I don’t WANT to send my baby to school!
Now, in order to curb this horribly whininess, paranoia, fear, and extreme nervousness i’m feeling, so that I don’t completely lose my ever-loving mind and turn into a heaping mess of snot and tears when the day comes for him to put on his backpack and walk onto the bus… I have made a list of the reasons why sending my “baby” off to school is a GOOD thing.
1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder-
Look, I love my kid. LOVE. The kind of love you can’t honestly put into words- but if we are being honest… he’s an asshole. Truth talk. The age of 4 has been the absolute worst of all nearly 5 years he’s spent on this planet. This includes the 6 months of reflux screaming as an infant. It also includes the “terrible” 2s and the “HOLY FUCK” 3s. It’s worse. It’s all of those combined plus the teenage rebellion years, and a mouth to match it.
Holden going to school means the majority of that mouth will be used on someone other than me (although hopefully not at all, you know the unspoken law that says children always act like angels for everyone else). This means me not hearing as much of the mouth. A giant Holdeny mouth break. This means when he comes home I will have missed him instead of being exhausted by him… and therefore (even though I ALWAYS love him) I will like him more. Boom.
2. Far more material for “My Child, the Artist” series and other LOL-worthy schoolwork
If you’ve been around here a little while, you know just how much I love (to make fun of) my kids’ artwork. I mean LOVE. There is almost nothing I enjoy more than a picture drawn of a sibling that looks more like a penis laying an egg. I love it so much i’ve written three blogs about it.
Can you just imagine my sheer and utter delight thinking about the work that my little ‘artist’ will bring home from school? The stories he will eventually write? The weird shit that flies off the top of his head when asked to draw specific things that do not at ALL look like the things he was asked to draw? Hell-to-the-YES.
I don’t usually like surprises (actually I LOATHE them)… but this is going to be like Christmas morning for me every single weekday. I do also expect to get a few calls home about the level of weird he expresses in class. Haters gonna hate, y’all.
3. Helloooooooooooooo Naptime!
For about a year now, Holden has thought he’s better’n nap time. So.. about 99 times out of 100, he doesn’t take one, and instead bangs around upstairs like he’s conducting a fucking marching band. Apparently “LAY DOWN AND BE QUIET” means “Kick the walls as hard as you can!”
It doesn’t. And once big turd is out of the house during nap time? Nap time for the little turd will go much more smoothly. HEY! Maybe he’ll even started to nap in his ROOM and then it’ll REALLY be a party!
4. No more growling/biting/screaming/slapping/whining matches-
Look, i’m pretty sure i’m not going to be fighting with Parker over a single Hotwheels car ANY time in the near future, therefore, these balls to the wall shit-fits they both threw over who got what toy and when and in what order and the “MINE MINE MINE” will cease. One would hope that by the time Holden drags his ass in the door from giving his teachers hell, they’ll be so excited to see each other that fighting will be a thing of the past. Snort. I know you’re snorting. A girl can dream.
5. My dog won’t be such a raging asshole anymore-
Yes, i’m aware that puppies will be puppies, which can include things like biting and nipping and whining and all kinds of other obnoxious things (much like a small child)- but Holden REALLY brings out the asshole in this dog. I really don’t know what it is, but when those two get together it’s worse than my two HUMAN children together. It makes me want to sell ONE of them on Craigslist, and i’m not referring to the outdoor shitting animal.
With Holden’s instigating ass out for the day- the dog will finally have a chance to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Score.
6. Lunch. Ahhhhh lunch-
For nearly three years, I have been making lunch for 3 people 5 days a week. Four people on the weekends. Shit, when I was watching my brother’s kid it was 4 people every damn day. And then during lunch? Well, good fucking luck getting anyone to eat. Picky mcPickerton Parker has days where he either hates distraction or loves it, and the kind of distraction IS?
Duh. Holden. He loves to make fun of Parker for not eating as fast, tease him with toys, slam his food down his throat and get up in 5 minutes, when it takes Parker a good 45- so they’re fighting for about 40 minutes straight. Every day. This does not an enjoyable meal make.
No Holden? Peaceful lunch. Ahhhhhhhhh yeah, I can hear the waves crashing on the beach now.
Wait… huh?? Yeah i’m going with it.
Look, I know this whole blog has been centered around how awesome it is that Holden’s going to go to school because he’s been such a shit lately that it’s about time he got out and took it out on people other than me…
But let’s face reality here. I’m not a tyrannical loveless bitch. My kids are my entire world- and really i’m just trying to find a way not to lose my SHIT when I don’t have my BABY around anymore to snuggle on… even if he hates it.
Pardon me while I go and force him to cuddle with me while he yells at me and tries to get away… probably to go pick his nose and eat it like the BIG boy he is.
You wouldn't sniff a stranger's butt to see who pooped their pants.... so you probably shouldn't do these other parental things to strangers, either. holdinholden.com/2017/12/weir…
Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers goo.gl/fb/oVuwvG
Tis the season! pic.twitter.com/5VgMLnt22E
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
You know that feeling when you don't chew a chip all the way and it cuts you all the way down and you swear it's gonna kill you, but you go ahead have another right after? That's what it's like when you decide to have another kid.