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Your cheap attempt at not offending me has offended me

It should not be a shock or even a slight surprise that the world is full of assholes. You can get lucky and avoid them if you manage to surround yourself with the right people from the getgo, but the majority of us simply do not get that lucky. We wade through oceans of assholes, douchebags, turdlicks and condescending twatburgers before we find a group of people worth keeping.

When you add the internet into this equation of possible assholery infiltrating your life- it becomes FAR more probably. If you’ve been on the internet, you know how full it is of keyboard warriors just waiting to find someone’s cheerios to pee in. Why? We’ll never know. We just know that it is what it is, and you’re best to not feed the trolls.
This applies to real life as well. “Be the bigger person” and all of that higher road shit.

Sometimes it can be easy to avoid, and sometimes the asshole pops up on your very own friends list, or if you’re lucky enough to have adult conversations OUTSIDE of the internet on a semi-regular basis, there too (but I wouldn’t know much about that these days.)

Case in point: “No offense, but…”
If you start a sentence off with that, you will be lucky not to get sporked in the face. At least in my mind. We all know when you preface a statement with that you’re NOT trying to be offensive, you know that what you are about to say IS going to be offensive. Common sense, y’all. And that fucking offends me. Only kind of though. Ok not really, but it annoys the piss out of me, and I prefer my piss to stay IN me unless i’m hovering over a toilet.

As a whole, people seem to want someone to bitch at all the time, so they get offended over the stupidest shit that has nothing to do with them. Shit that’s not even offensive, not directed at them or anyone they know, or even anyone at all. The funny (or maybe not so funny) thing about Facebook is that you can post a status about ONE person and 20 other people will think it’s about them.

If we ALL worried about what everyone thought all the time, if we all chose to never post anything that had the teeniest tiniest OFF chance of offending some random person on the internet- there would be no internet. There would be no speech. We’d all never say anything, because anything can offend someone who wants to be offended. Ohhhh lawdy, you said something about how your kids are annoying you- WELL AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE THEM!
What.the.fuck- are we serious here? Really? We can’t even get frustrated about anything anymore or someone else who doesn’t have the certain thing we’re frustrated about is going to get butthurt?
Your sting ring isn’t my problem, but I digress.
The point is: we can’t always worry that what we’re going to say MIGHT hurt someone else’s feelings. MIGHT is MIGHT, not WILL.

seriously, a BIG but(t)

BUT- and this is a big but much like Jennifer Lopez but minus one T- if you’re going to be offensive TO someone, don’t be a friggin’ douche about it. And yes, there is a difference between what MIGHT offend (which usually is shocking to the person saying it, as that was not the intention of saying it)- and WILL offend.

If you absolutely cannot contain your dickheadedness and find that OH MY GOD I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE BECAUSE I HAVE to be offensive….
JUST BE OFFENSIVE.

Let me explain: If you have that itch to make an offensive retort that absolutely must be scratched, don’t bullshit everyone by saying “well, no offense but…” before unleashing it, because we ALL know you’re full of shit and just don’t want to be shit on in return. It’s a cop out. If you’re going to be bitchy enough to be a bitch, at least OWN it.

Here’s an even more novel idea: keep it to yourself. 9 times out of 10 when people say things, they aren’t looking to start a fight. That one time, a little offense in kind is deserved, but the rest of the times? You’re just being a passive-aggressive contradictory asshole. Don’t be a passive aggressive contradictory asshole.

It’s like correcting someone’s grammar or spelling on the internet. We ALL want to do it, ohhhhh sweet baby jeebus do we- the mistakes are fucking annoying, they are even downright STUPID and unforgivable- but it makes you look like a condescending prick to be the one to call someone out on it. Don’t be a condescending prick. 

Chances are if they’re a grown adult and still fucking up THEIR and THEY’RE, you douching it up and telling them ***THEY’RE wrong isn’t going to change anything. If you MUST, at least don’t be the “*they’re” guy. Own it.

And don’t try getting out of this with the “I don’t want to make you mad, but” or the “I’m not trying to be mean, but”
BASICALLY, it’s like my mother always said- if you’re putting a BUT in the statement, the chances that you’re being an asshole are strong.

Take a step back and ask yourself: do you REALLY want to be the asshole who everyone removes from their Facebook friends and stops returning the text messages of because you’re the turdsniff who can’t stop snarking at everyone? A little bit of snark is fantastic (I tend to consider myself a connoisseur of the snark to be honest), but there is a very fine line to be crossed between hilariously witty with a touch of the snark and total fucking shitface who people fear seeing that little red notification pop up from.

Let’s all do each other a favor and NOT be passive aggressive contradictory condescending pricks. Let’s also not be the butt-hurty “I think the world revolves around me so i’m going to get offended by absolutely everything!” types either.
It would make the world… or at least the internet a much happier place, yes?

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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