Youngest child syndrome.

Only child syndrome, middle child syndrome, second child syndrome, oldest child syndrome, youngest child syndrome- If you have a kid, there is a name for some kind of syndrome other parents will SWEAR they have based upon their order of birth. Generally I would say fuck what ya heard and figure it out for yourself (parents have this awful tendency to find great pleasure in scaring the ever living shit out of other parents with horror stories. I am not innocent in this), but with every one of these rumors, legends, old wives tales, what the hell ever else- there’s usually at least a TINY little grain of truth buried in it somewhere. Rumors gotta start somewhere, right?

I only slightly buy into these kinds of things- but only about as much as you can convince me that if I say “Orange” really slowly it sounds like “Gullible.” 
Then again, I guess Holden didn’t have long enough as the only child to become a spoiled rotten little brat who thought he was better than everyone else. He is however bossy as fuck- “typical”, one might say, of the oldest sibling.
 Parker is definitely the whiny one of the bunch, as they say the “youngest” usually is- but he absolutely doesn’t get away with everything because after going through one i’ve realized that I don’t have to be such a tight-ass about everything and have gotten lazy. I’m still a tight-ass.  Though I do have to admit that I have in fact loosened the reigns on things I once gave far more importance than they were worth. VERY FEW.

Over time I have learned never to say NEVER to anything- that’s how we got Parker, after all-  or you jinx the shit out of yourself- so I have not said NEVER to having a third child, making Parker a middle child and giving myself another whiny needy turd to deal with- but is it part of the plan? Who knows. I’m honestly not sure yet, but it’s not in the immediate future if we have any control over it- and i’m ok with that. I’m not ready to add a third human child to the bunch yet, another car seat, more bottles and formula and sleepless nights and massive shit filled diapers… BUT… I was willing to add a NON human baby to the mix.

Ahhhh yes- THE PUPPY! Who could forget about the puppy? Well, maybe just about everyone, since I don’t bring him up all that often. I thought perhaps I would have stories about him tearing apart the house, or shitting in shoes, or foamy spewing on the furniture- SOMETHING. He’s done his fair share of crap that falls into the ‘obnoxious puppy bullshit’ category, but nothing that has been worth documenting. Until he started acting like I squeezed him out of my vagina and he is the third child. Hey, i’ve seen your mom, dog- my nipples aren’t that long. Methinks you have things confused.
(I’d better go knock on wood now to make sure he doesn’t up and poo in my shoe. I fail as a woman and only have ONE pair that isn’t flats.)

It seems that the older and more aware of his surroundings he is becoming (and by surroundings, I mean my two children constantly terrorizing him as if he were a younger sibling) more needy. And by needy I mean completely obnoxious. Needy and especially jealous- jealous of the actual youngest child.

Any time ANYONE gives Parker any attention whatsoever- in comes Pascal, jumping up and attempting to nudge Parker out of the way and get the attention for himself.
I don’t baby-talk my kids, or i’d say the dog is just attracted to how dumb I sound (just like they like crotches, stinky asses, and sniffing poop).
He’s ok with Holden getting attention, but not Parker- NEVER Parker.

I swear one of these days i’m going to walk into a room and see that damn dog sucking the life force out of my kid’s nose like in that movie with a tiny pre-drugs Drew Barrymore- and I no longer have a cat to save him.
Maybe the dog is still too young and idiotic to realize that PARKER and PASCAL really don’t sound that much alike even though they don’t start with a P? Maybe he’s trying to steal Parker’s attention because Parker is the little snot that pulls his tail and randomly whacks him for no reason? Maybe he hates having a toddler chase him around all day yelling in an obnoxiously high-pitched screech: “HEY PUPPY-UPPY-UPPY!!!” 
Or MAYBE, just maybe, Pascal has youngest child syndrome and is a needy, greedy, little attention whore.
I’m thinking the latter is the more likely cause.

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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