The woman in me does not want me to openly admit my age anymore, but I can tell you that not TOO far off in the distant past, I was a teenager. Obviously I didn’t come screaming into this world that large (my poor mother!), so before that I was a tween, and before that a bratty little shitfaced kid, and before that an evil toddler, and before that my mom called me a “Banshee.”
So yeah, it wasn’t that freakin’ long ago, and I remember a lot of what it was like when I was a kid. Shit, right outside my backyard is a gigantic field, and on the other side, a school. For some fucking reason unknown to me, the middle school kids (even though it is an elementary school behind me) have taken upon constantly being outside of my fence.
If they were playing in the soccer field, or the baseball field- I might understand it, and therefore be less stabby about never having any peace and quiet in my own back yard- kids gotta exercise, right? I mean, it’s better than sitting their fat asses in front of a big screen killing each other via first person shooter games- Amirite?
BUT NO. Of course they aren’t doing ANY of those things. That’s just a wholly unreal expectation for kids “these days”- I fucking hate that saying but i’m saying it anyway, because these little turd-burglars piss me off- because the group of hooligans in this neighborhood that I have had the pleasure of dealing with on a nearly daily basis don’t go near the field for sporting or exercising purposes. Hell naw!
They either spend their time playing on the elementary school playground and screaming obscenities when anyone with an elementary school aged kid dares to play on it too, or they go cutting through my yard, leaving the gate open, or through the next door neighbor’s yard (which, for reference, has a GIANT “no trespassing” sign after he got sick of yelling at the shitbricks)- and make a beeline for the woods. All of them. EVERY DAY. Into the woods.
Look, I don’t have a damn clue what’s back there- because after getting my thigh sucked by a tick and having to go on a medication that nearly set me on fire and then had me thrown in a Leper Colony, i’m not fucking going back there- but COME ON. I mean… there’s only so many thing tween-aged teenagers could be doing back there.
I’d like to think, in a perfect world, they’d be building forts or playing hide and go seek or.. christ… I don’t know, telling each other scary stories? But the one thing I do know about that area is that it says “PRIVATE PROPERTY” and is blocked off by a barbed wire fence and so still they go back there- so i’m just going to go ahead and take an educated guess that what is going on behind the treeline is not kosher.
I have brainstormed many, MANY ways to fuck with them while they’re back there (and even brought in others on this devious plan). Fake zombie attack, putting a baby monitor out in their secret hide out and when they least expect it talking to them through it.. y’know.. creepily. One might suggest to call the cops, but i’ve become well aware that the cops around here don’t even care if those brats are breaking into a house and i’m witnessing it live- they won’t come (yeah, that really happened). All of these ideas would take work, though. Even if the pay-off is great in the hilarity department, it’s a lot of work and planning and i’m not much a fan of either of those things.
I feel duped. No, really, I do! I mean, I wasn’t a great tween or anything, but I spent most of my time mentally masturbating to pictures of Hanson and playing the guitar and not breaking into houses, vandalizing random shit and wandering off into the woods to (possibly) smoke stolen cigarettes because they think it makes them cool, good ol’ Mary J, and diddle.
Ok, that was low. I’m sorry (not really), really, truly (no, not at all).
|I mean.. come ON.|
My special unique little flower of a tween self is not the reason I feel duped. It’s because of TV. That’s right, i’m blaming TV, and more specifically- shows like iCarly, Victorious, Good Luck Charlie, and all that other useless drivel that isn’t even worth mentioning -not that Good Luck Charlie is, the name just came to mind. Friggin’ Full House wannabee show…
Speaking of Full House- they dealt with real issues going on back when fashion was NOT. Weight gain, death, drinking, smoking, lying, bla de bla- they might have handled it with the hokey cheesiness only Bob Saget as Danny Tanner can- but at least they dealt with it. And it was still entertaining. And other than shows like Double Dare and cartoons like Rocko’s Modern Life, there was nothing specifically directed for tweens to watch that had kids their own ages.
Sure, I watched “My So-Called Life”- but it was not exactly age appropriate and I doubt if my parents had seen the subject matter they would have been pleased, but i’m going to guess that my mom was too busy swooning over Jordan Catalano to care (and who wasn’t??)
Now what do tweens have? Shows that have kids that are basically perfect with good grades that make up fake-annoying curse words like CHIZZ and GAMMIT, have their own web shows, respect their elders, and aren’t busy sneaking off into the woods and breaking into houses in their spare time. Their spare time is spent having wholesome parties with no alcohol and doing their homework.
And no, I am not equating Sam from iCarly into this “super goody two shoes on TV” problem, but she does further prove my point about how watching these shows can trick a person on what to expect out of tweens and teenagers. Oh, and don’t even get me started on that Freddy fucker.
Gimme a break. Homegirl loves bacon and has the goodiest of two shoes best friend, but has “been to juvy” how many times and hasn’t been expelled, and NEVER curses? NOW we’re talking unrealistic.
I don’t know a SINGLE tween teen or even person like any of the characters on ANY of those shows. And I know it’s just TV, and I know it’s for the purpose of entertainment to exaggerate these personalities to the point of ridiculousness for a cheap laugh (yeah Trina, i’m lookin’ at you), and I KNOW you can’t curse on a television channel aimed at ages 16 and under, but that doesn’t make it right!
Why can’t the fucknut kids in my neighborhood be like the ones on TV? WHY TV must you set me up to let me down? Because i’m pretty fucking sure at this point that my kids aren’t going to be that well-behaved, clean-mouthed, studious OR wholesome.
Yeah yeah, talk some shit about how it’s all in how I raise them- that’s only PART of it, and anyone with half of a realistic brain knows that. Kids will be kids, DUH, and not the perfectly coiffed nuggets of love you see on television.
I know I have not been fooled, but you have to wonder how many are? Or how many people watch this shit and say “WTF? KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! THIS IS SOME BULLCHIZZ”
Really, as long as my kids don’t act like the neighborhood shitheads, i’ll consider my parenting a decent success.
You know, it’s also quite possible that I watch far too much children’s programming, but i’m going to refuse to accept that as a reality and have dreams about creating a butter sock to beat people with like Sam has, wondering why Cat is so painfully stupid and only progresses farther down the path of idiocy with each season, and giggling at the one thing that makes rotting my brain with that junk worth it: Baby Spencer.
Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers goo.gl/fb/oVuwvG
Tis the season! pic.twitter.com/5VgMLnt22E
I am weak pic.twitter.com/LYdRQ6EZcC
You know that feeling when you don't chew a chip all the way and it cuts you all the way down and you swear it's gonna kill you, but you go ahead have another right after? That's what it's like when you decide to have another kid.
For any parent who's ever had a kid who thinks they're more grown up than they are... and proves themselves wrong-- this story is for you holdinholden.com/2017/12/10-g…