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Thwarted during the apocalypse by…. bunnies? And other random fears

If the end of the world happens upon us, whether it be an asteroid hurling toward earth and not even Bruce Willis sacrificing himself can save us, zombie apocalypse, Mayan prophecy held true, swarms of locusts… Paris Hilton releasing an acoustic album with no autotune- i’m most certainly not going to be the first bitch-ass to bite the dust by making a classic apocalyptic/horror movie idiot mistake. I won’t go running straight into an overrun city, or run my dumb ass up the stairs instead of out the front door.
Uh-Duh.

On the other hand- i’m probably not going to be the last one standing either. Not because I forget to double-tap a brain snorting ‘walker’, or got chosen last for some ridiculously ridiculous super-ship that will sail the world once it becomes a Kevin Costnery Water-World- but because, well… I’m kind of a wimp.
YEAH I said I can shoot a frackin’ zombie in its stupid head if it comes down to them or my flesh, but i’m still a wimp.
WHAT? It makes sense.

I’m not over here freaking out about how the CIA has government agents following me, or big brother is in the sky watching my every move- i’m not that damn important (i’m also not THAT much of a conspiracy theorist). I’m not scared to go outside because I think birds are going to attack me or anything even ridiculous in nature. At least, it isn’t ridiculous to me.

YES, I do still have issues being in the dark. I just don’t fucking like it, don’t judge me. I don’t do bathrooms without a light on, or mirrors for that matter. Won’t even look at them. I never ever leave my doors unlocked- doesn’t matter if I live in a safe neighborhood, I still have slight paranoia that someone is going to try to break in one day. I get a sick feeling if tornado is mentioned on TV relative to my area- even if our city… shit.. I don’t think has ever been hit by one since i’ve walked this earth. I am not at ALL a fan of heights, don’t ever fucking ask me to go hiking on the side of a mountain- that shit isn’t gonna happen. Blood grosses me out, so do bellybuttons, and raw chicken. Ugh. Raw meat of any kind, really, but raw chicken ESPECIALLY gives me the heebies. I HATE needles (yet i’m covered in tattoos and have 13 piercings). People playing with their piercings makes my stomach turn, I can’t watch. I don’t EVER leave my limbs, fingertips, or even a stray hair hang over the edge of the bed, because I have the feeling that something could yank me under it.
Oh, and I really really hate puke. Poop I can handle, but PUKE on me? I’m dead. Can’t do it. Well, first i’ll probably puke back at you, and then i’ll die.

Personally, I don’t think any of that is all THAT irrational comparatively. We’ve all got our fears! Clearly i’m still here so none of them have been so detrimental as to affect my every day life…
except one. One fear, bigger than all other fears. ONE thing, that if it were to come at me in the middle of the zombie apocalypse- i’d get my face eaten off because i’d be so frozen in fear. Yeah! It’s that bad!

SPIDERS.

Mother-badword-SPIDERS y’all.

I do not CARE if the majority of spiders that inhabit the eastern seaboard of North America cannot harm me. I don’t give a flying fuck in space if they are smaller than me, and have fangs that cannot pierce my skin.
THEY ARE TERRIFYING.
Do not let one get even close to me. Don’t even let me SEE one. Don’t EVER show me a picture of one. Not even a crudely scribbled drawing of one. Don’t DESCRIBE one to me. Don’t tell me you killed one earlier. Don’t kill it and then bring it to me to show me it’s dead. Don’t walk NEAR me with the carcass. If you see one on me- just slap the fuck out of me, do not inform me there is one crawling all over me and do nothing about it, ya asshole. Do not try to scare me by telling me there is a phantom spider on me. Do not expect me to smash one because i’m closer to it- give me 2 seconds and I won’t be. Don’t tell me “that’s just a cobweb”– I DON’T FUCKING CARE! If it once contained a spider, I don’t want to know. EVER. If there is a live spider in a room and I have seen it, don’t expect me to go back into that room until it is dead. Possibly by blowtorch. If I see one scurry across the floor, i’m going to scream. If i’m walking and one drops down in front of me, i’m going to scream, and then fall, and then run. If you try to kill one and i’m witnessing it, I will scream. If it gets the fuck away I will scream. I will scream while trying to smash it into spider paste. If I THINK I see one, I will scream.
Do not take me into a pet store and point at a case with a spider in it. That’s.not.fucking.cool.
If any of the above happens, I will spend the next few hours scratching myself in a twitchy manner, my eyes will repeatedly dart around the area, and I will be horribly paranoid. Oh, and the nightmares. Spidermares.

I don’t care if they eat mosquitoes (and I HATE mosquitoes), those eight legged little freaks can suck the big fat one. They terrify me, and I don’t think that’s EVER going to change (remind me never to go on Fear Factor, i’d lose). Arachnophobia is a bitch, but I figure it’s more respectable than being terrified of bunnies.

If it comes down to the apocalypse, and my survival skills get thwarted by a giant hairy arachnid… or fuck, even a tiny not-so-hairy arachnid. So be it. It’s better than bunnies.

Posted on June 6, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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8 Comments

  • Hilarious! Just make sure you are with me when the apocalypse comes, I’ll kill all the spiders, I might even use a blowtorch. <3

  • Omg love you! I will kill them for you! Just ask my munchkin that is what I am for.

  • I’m feeling your pain. I have that same mind numbing fear. Even those little red ones (spider mites?) terrify me. I have ridiculous nightmares about them as well. I’d be dying right there next to you.

  • My oldest has gotten use to my panic over a spider lmao he will squish it for me.. He is my good lil man lol
    I’m terrified of the dark too oh and shower curtain must remain open or I will panic

  • As we speak my wife and I are preparing for the zombie apocalypse. We’ve got guns and bows and antispider spray. We are pretty safe. However rabid bunnies scare the fuck out of me. Spiders too, for good reason. Love the blog Jenny.

  • I feel your pain with The Dark. I’m fast approaching 31 and still need SOME sort of light coming through the door. I sleep in the fetal position, so no body part WHATSOEVER will fall off the bed. I also have to have from my neck down covered. Spiders scare tube hell out me. Creepy crawly itchies don’t EVEN cover it. I have a complex about the doors being locked. I can lock the door, go to sleep, wake up and have to check to make sure the doors are still locked. Yeah, I know. I don’t mind bunnies, but snakes rank right up there with spiders. I hate being alone in the house. If I am, you can be GUARANTEED that all of the lights in the house are on. Doesn’t matter if they’re not on the same floor as me, they’re going on. So, I guess that if we team up for the apocalypse, I’ll cover you on the bunnies if you cover me on the snakes. If there’s spiders, we’re shit out of luck!

  • haha no no! I am NOT scared of bunnies. I was just saying if I die because of spiders, it’s better than bunnies 😉

  • LMFAO! I have to agree with your take on spiders. Although I am usually brave enough to kill them myself.