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This ain’t Leave it to Beaver, people.

Did I miss the worldwide memo sent out to all women who happen to push out a human with a penis attached that says that there is some sort of law pertaining to the length one must keep a boy’s hair in order to be socially acceptable?
I mean, I know I don’t update my driver’s license nearly as quickly as the DMV would like when I move, but i’m not fucking hard to find. Why didn’t I get this memo? I put in for a change of address at the post office so that all of my mail would get forwarded to me, and my e-mail address has been the same for a SOLID 10 years. I even checked the 7th circle of hell, aka my spam folder, for this memo that MUST have gone out.
Nada.

I’m thinking there MUST be this elusive memo sent out to all moms of boys on planet earth because it would seem that every time I take MY two boys out in public, people feel an uncontrollable urge to comment on the length of their hair.
It never fails.

It does not matter if they are wearing cargo shorts and a shirt with a skull on it that has something obnoxiously masculine written across the top and very obviously boys shoes- someone is going to call one of mine a “she”, “her”, “GIRL”

It does not matter how completely blatantly obvious it is that my kids are boys- someone’s going to fuck it up.

Or are they? You see, i’m beginning to wonder if this whole “mistaking my boys for girls” thing is some kind of secret code that was on this memo that got lost in the mail on its way to me. I’m thinking that on this memo it must have said that when you see a boy who has hair longer than 3 inches- you must make a snooty comment to the parent about how they look like a girl, as to passive aggressively say “he needs a hair cut”- y’know, without actually saying it. Because that would be rude. And we wouldn’t want that now would we?

It happens so often that it just seems planned. Anyone with half a brain can look at my kids and tell that they clearly are NOT female. And if people think I would give birth to girls that hideous, well, we have even bigger problems on our hands.
Their hair is not THAT long. It isn’t shoulder length. Not that there’s anything wrong with boys having shoulder length hair. Not that only females can. Who the fuck cares? But theirs isn’t.
Not only would they make really ugly girls, but they’d make really ugly girls with REALLY heinous hair cuts. No one would cut a girls hair like that unless they were being punished. Or maybe if they got gum in it.
The hair cuts aren’t bad hair cuts, they just aren’t GIRL hair cuts.

“Really, those are boys?”
NO, i’m fucking LYING to you and dressing my little girls in boys clothing as a testament against the color pink and frills. Dipshit.
“Two boys? No girls”
No, i’m hiding the daughter in my purse- douchelick.

This isn’t the 50s; the crew cut is out of style unless you’re enlisting, and having longer hair doesn’t instantly make you a dirty hippie, just like women having short hair doesn’t make them butch. Some boys just look good with long hair, not girly. Some girls look good with short hair, not butchy.

C’mon now- Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall? Ginnifer Goodwin.. like.. always?
Suck it up, Beav. Your hair cut leaves me questioning your judgment and the judgment of those behind this memo that never found its way to me

So the hell what if my boys have “long” hair? If I shaved their heads, you’d have to stare at their misshapen skulls, and then i’d hear whining about that too. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t

I do have to say though, mystery memo writers/hair haters, it was an ingenious move hiring old people to do all of your dirty work, for everyone knows we as a people (those of us with souls and a sense of respect) are far less likely to spork the elderly than people our own age or younger. That move was extremely well played- but you’re never going to win. Why?

Because i’m never cutting the kids hair just because some crotchety old turdbucket asks if my boy is a girl. And one day your age isn’t going to save you from my wrath.

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 12 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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12 Comments

  • Looking above, I can CLEARLY see that is a pic of two BOYS! Even my husband gets on my son for his hair length, n even tho I can’t stand the turret like head jerk to swoosh his hair back, he’s ten its his hair n that’s what he likes….people are just idiots sometimes

  • It doesn’t matter what you do, if it wasn’t their hair it would be something else that people would pick on. Snark Girl is now 10 and as recently as last year when she had hair past the middle of her back (she is very girly looking) people would look at her and then refer to her as he b/c her name is gender neutral. People w/no imagination often find fault w/what doesn’t fit their idea of “normal”.

  • I have 3 sons (all 3 have “boy” haircuts…because of “bug” problems at school), and people are forever and a day asking me if I have any daughters or if I want a girl…I’m like no thanks! I’m good with the 3 monsters I’ve got. About a year ago I let my then 11 year old son (aka–Monkey Man) get a mohawk…you would’ve thought that I killed him for all the crazy ass looks I got for it. One of hubbys co-workers asked me why I did it, and I said, “he paid for it, not me, so I couldn’t tell him no.” She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Yes, you could, you’re the adult, not him” I look at it this way, it’s HIS hair, not mine, I didn’t pay for it, HE did…and it was a baseball thing…it was for their tournament, they lost and he was stuck with the mohawk until just before school started…he was totally ok with it. I think your children are devilishly adorable!! Who the hell cares what others think 🙂 As long as the boys are happy and you are happy, that’s all that matters!

  • My daughter has silky soft baby duck hair that takes forever to grow, she is five now and its just now reaching to the top of her shoulders, I have forever dressed her in frills, bows, and pink because of her hair, and I would still have (mostly older) people come up to me all the time and talk about my “handsome little man”, or “whats his he’s so cute” I just wanted to be like seriously- did you miss the pink froo froo dress or what?!! I am thinking old people are color blind because I swear I only dressed her in pink!

  • My daughter is taking after me, and had no hair until after her first birthday. She’s almost 21 months old, and just now has 3 inch long hair. I have always dressed her in the most blatant of girly clothes and still have people asking if she’s a girl or a boy. It takes every ounce of restraint I can muster to refrain from saying, “Boy. We just know he’s gay, so dress him appropriately.” (Obviously not all homosexuals are cross-dressers, but I live in the Midwest and the people here are mostly simple.) I mean, really, can people not pick up on context clues anymore?

  • Same her my girls got slow start to hair and Omg always asking boy or girl. I freaked. Jenell didn’t wear pants til her first bday lol. But now she has an obnoxious amount of crazy curls!!! N now I get the questions Bout her baby sister!! Geez I would like to think my girls are pretty girls but people always suggesting they look like boys hurts my confidence in that!!!!!

  • I hate when people want to say anything about my kids hair cuts.. My middle son had beautiful hair and I couldn’t cut it all off with little curls in it screw you no lol
    My oldest every summer asks for a Mohawk why idk he just does and ok I don’t care not like we’re skinheades anarchists and the looks we get comments and all that all for what??

  • I had hair halfway to my ass as a kid. I was still called a boy – even when the boobs made a rather large showing at the age of nine. So at the age of ten, with long hair, C cup breasts, hips and girly shirts (you couldn’t pay me enough to wear a dress) I was STILL called “Hey boy!” Some people are just assholes.

  • I think people are just freaking blind. Experiment 626 is two, has hair much like your little dudes… and I would stick her in the frilliest dress that she would tolerate and people would say, “what a handsome little boy!” So… screw them all. They know nothin’ about nothing. pbbt.

  • My dad was a Baptist Minister and my son, had hair down to his waist…he liked it that way and didn’t want to cut it. When he was 5, my dad made the statement that he looked like a girl, and within the next 24 hours my son decided he wanted to cut it all off…I cried when I took him to have it cut. However, I did make him wait a week to see if he would change his mind, but he never did. He is now 23 years old and in the Air Force so he has to keep it super short, but he had the most beautiful hair when he was little. Your boys are very handsome and when people say stupid things like that it is honestly because of ignorance and being stuck in the 50’s mentality. Don’t let it get to you, it is annoying and horribly mean and insensitive for people to be that way and it makes me want to ask them if their mothers never tought them that if they can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. But too many people think that it is their right or obligation to point out things about our children. My “favorite” thing is when someone tells me how to raise my children and they don’t have any…but that’s a whole other subject. Just let them be the boys they are and when they decide it is time to cut it or make a change…then it will be the time, and not when someone says something out of pure stupidity. I ♥ your blogs and your facebook page! Keep up the great writing. 😀

  • Bentley's Grammy June 7, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    My son when he was 4 wanted a crew cut, with a “tail”, this was the late 80’s early 90’s. It was a thing, so I said, “ok, it’s only hair”…fast forward, in high school, he wanted to dye his hair, ok, it’s only hair…then I tell him you’re senior pictures are going to be taken on this date, get a hair cut…he says, “OK, but I’m getting a Mowhawk”…Me: “Whatever, it’s your senior pic, if that’s what you want, go for it.” Him: “what’s Dad going to say”? (We were divorced at the time) Me: “Is he paying for the pics? No, so whatever makes you happy.” It’s only hair, if they like it long, then it’s long, if they want it short, then it’s short…It’s only hair…

  • It’s just hair. – that has become the mantra in our household. Both of my sons are sporting long hairstyles and continually get told they look like girls, it doesn’t phase them anymore. Their friends get more annoyed by the comments than they do. My oldest wanted his hair dyed Ronald McDonald red one summer, so a Kool-Aid dye job it was. The youngest would love to have blue hair, but has never truly committed to the idea, so we’ve never done it. The only rule I have is that they keep it clean and combed. That’s it. It’s their hair and they can grow it down to their asses if they want. It’s not like they are getting stuff put under their skin or facial tattoos or something not reversible.