Things Perfect Parents Would Poo-Poo

Just because we adults procreate with other adults to bring forth new life to this weird, wacky world- doesn’t mean we’re always responsible or mature, or that we do the right thing.
Shit, we’re all still human- right?

As much as we morph our lives and change things around, learn to live on very little sleep (that doesn’t have to do with partying all night, unless you consider midnight feedings and explosive shitty diapers a party), and generally (or hopefully I should say) become better versions of ourselves… sometimes old habits die hard.
No, don’t worry, i’m not talking about anything SERIOUS here- but by perfect mommy standards (I mean, is there really such a thing?) we are supposed to be bright, shining, perfect examples for our kids to look up to- because we are who they learn the good and the bad from before anyone else.

A good foundation, blah blah blah.

It’s not that I disagree. I don’t, at all! But again- we’re HUMAN, and there’s some shit that isn’t that serious that we probably SHOULDN’T do in front of our kids, but we do it anyway- because we figure it’s harmless and not that big of a deal (or, y’know, we just can’t help ourselves). Maybe it isn’t, but we all know no matter HOW small the action, those little leeches pick up on every single movement and somehow always manage to choose the worst ones to mimic.
It’s some kind of childhood law that says they have to. Don’t ask me where I heard that, I just know it to be true. I know lots of things. Or I like to think I do.

MY list of Parenting No-No’s, aka “Things Perfect Parents Would Poo-Poo” goes a little something like this:

1. Nose picking– Don’t judge me. I have both nostrils pierced and those suckers ITCH and get gunk stuck to them every single day of my life.
Shit, who am I kidding? I’d pick my nose anyway. Why? Because boogers are fucking annoying and I want them out. I even pick my kids noses because THEIR boogers annoy me (and because they HATE it and for some reason it makes me laugh). Now my kids both pick their damn noses, only they’ve gone as far as to become consumers of the fruits of their labor.
I was many things, I am many things- NEVER have I been or will I be a snot eater!

2. Fatty food eating- OBVIOUSLY I want my kids to grow up to make wise decisions with the stuff they decide to slam into their faces, which means teaching them young that healthy stuff is good and yummy and fattening stuff is THE DEBIL’S EVIL MISTRESS! Ok, not really- but teaching them moderation I think is pretty important.
Let’s just say- they eat a fuckload better than I do. Rounded balanced meals. Do I always eat rounded balanced meals? Hell no I don’t. I have a uterus that explodes on a semi-monthly basis, and when it does it screams EAT THOSE FUCKING CHIPS, BITCH- OR I’LL KILL YOU!
That’s a pretty hefty threat there, and all of my insides beg me to comply, so I do- which sometimes has me standing in the pantry feverishly inhaling chips (and you can substitute the words chocolate, cookies, or really anything that will put a pound directly onto your ass where ‘chips’ is) like it’s my job, and has the kids asking “why can’t I have chips too?”
Obviously, answering that question with “grow a uterus and we’ll talk about it” wouldn’t really make a hell of a lot of sense to them- and as much as I try to explain it in ways that they can, I wouldn’t at all be surprised to catch them hiding in the pantry one day slamming chips- and that will be my fault.

3. Belching- Once a belcher, always a belcher- and even at 28 years old I still say there is NOT much that feels better than releasing a gigantic burp. If I have an air bubble, i’m gonna let it out y’all. If my husband gets to nearly shart himself a dozen times a day and say “I can’t help it”, then why should I help my burps? Oh, that’s right, I have kids. And the kids, boys especially, think my belching is the cat’s meow. The best thing since sliced bread. Playdoh and peanut butter sandwiches. I should be ladylike according to some. Hold them in. Excuse myself. Teach my kid proper manners, and all that goodie-two-shoes normal parening mumbo jumbo. And i’d agree with knowing the correct situation in which letting out a good old fashioned blue ribbon winning gut burp is appropriate…. and my kids do not know that yet. I guess it’s a good thing their lungs have very little capacity for such things, or i’d most certainly be a bad influence.

4. Cursing- We’ve been over it, and then over it again. Some things just deserve a “FUCK” and it doesn’t matter who’s in the room. You can yell and scream “EARMUFFS!” all you want, but c’mon, let’s face reality here- some hands over the ears aren’t going to stop them from hearing your 4-letter bombs. I’ve tried word replacement and basically just putting a cork in it- but the inevitable is the inevitable and a potty mouth is as a potty mouth does. I have no idea if that makes sense, but what i’m saying is stopping completely ain’t gonna happen. BAD MOMMY!

5. Nail Biting- What can I say? I don’t like that I do it, but but but… sometimes they just CALL to me.
And in my defense I never bite down to the nub. I’ve already proven what with the chip slamming and man-belching that i’m not very ladylike, so is it really any surprise that i’m not big on long nails?
Holden, alas, has turned into a nailbiter as well. Fingers AND toes. BARF. Can I blame this one on the husband though? I’ve never seen someone so dedicated to gnawing their fingers as him. It’s really quite lovely (and by lovely I mean totally fucking disgusting).
Maybe nail biting isn’t learned… but inherited. Or maybe it’s just his fault. Ba-da-bing.

Look, I figure if at the end of the day, these things are the only bad things I am imprinting onto my children, i’m doing pretty frickin’ good if I do say so myself. And I do. So there.

So tell me, parents of the world (or at least the ones reading this blog, and preferably not the assholes lying in wait to tell me that I suck at life and bla de bla bla)- what makes your list of things you do that perfect parents would poo-poo?

Posted on June 29, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 13 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Probably one of the worst things I do is yell HURRY UP at least 50x a day. I don’t know what my goddamn hurry is – but that’s all I say. With 3 boys, they are so slow to do annnythinnng…and everything..I’m like hurry up and brush your teeth..hurry up and get your shoes on..hurry up, hurry up hurry up . I am certain the perfect mo mos would hate that. I love your list – and I love your FB page! you are awesome! xo DG

    • Wow! I’m sure not mom of the year material. All of the above applies, except biting nails. But I have a stepdaughter who does. Her mom, perfect mommy, truly, (she really is awesome) rags on her constantly for it and all those other things. It’s the worry or stress behind the biting I care about. And that’s what I ask her. All of her mom’s kids are pretty amazing, well behaved, don’t lick their fingers type kids. My daughter soooo not! She marches to her own beat… even I don’t get it sometimes. She loves scary, provocative, inappropriate movies. She dances (always) like no one is watching. Sings, proposes to Jr. High aged boys, has a phone, memorizes everything, giggles at flatulence, tells grandma and auntie all my horror, forgets any appropriate teaching. Kids call her weird and so do their parents. I get a lot of shit about what I allow my 6yr old daughter to watch, like Warm Bodies, Burlesque, and last night part of Silence of the Lambs what music she hears. I am a terrible mother. However, I work with kids all day and I can’t tell you how many of them say to me… “I can talk to you. You don’t judge me. My parents just get on my case, but you help.” I say just what their parents would, these choices will have a consequence. You have to chose the action that will result in the consequence you want, not anyone else’s choice for you. You may have to go through a lot of pain and struggle for you choice so make sure it is what you want. So when she watches a movie like the above mentioned, she asks questions or I do about what is inappropriate. She’s developing her own little life code like… Mom, that word is gross or not nice. I want my first kiss to be with my husband. I’m going to be friends with everyone so no one is left out. Now, I was raised by perfect parents and I’m certainly not one, but I try to be honest with her. Nor am I her only influence. She has some fantastic extended family for help. Lol, but I think you all are great parents. You know and love your kids. I don’t want a mini me. I want her to be well, her, which is kinda… perfect!

  • Love the list! I drop the 4 letter words and munchkin tells me don’t worry I won’t repeat it. I pat myself on the back for her knowing they are bad words, but I have not been able to erase them from my vocabulary. (to tell the truth I don’t want to.) I am sure I do a lot of things now that I will regret later, but I will worry about that when it comes around. The “perfect” parents can kiss my rear if they don’t like it. Our kids are exactly that our own kids to raise as we see fit. Oh, tattoos….my daughter loves my tattoos and my boyfriends. She even watches me get my ink done, I print her copies of what I am getting so she can color them, find random tattoo outlines and let her color those too. She knows when she turns 18 she can get ink, but not before that. Maybe that makes me a “bad” mom, but why not share the truth of the tattoo process with her now?

  • Most of what you have on yours (not a nail biter, though), plus the condescending tone that my 7yo has perfected. I wouldn’t mind so much except that he uses it with me. With ME! Bullcrap is he gonna talk to ME that way! Except I do it to him far too often, so I can’t get too upset, otherwise I’d have to change my tone, and that’s just really damn difficult.

  • Wow! I can’t believe I’ve never stumbled upon your blog until a week ago!!! I saw one of your posts on Facebook a few days or so about getting someone to pick up your book.. well I had to immediately get on my Kindle, search Amazon for it, and of course, I couldn’t resist buying it! I read that damn book in less than a day! Love it! I wish you were around when my kids were babies (boy now 13 and girl now 10). Oh what you have to look forward to when Holden and Parker cross into what I call “Hurricane Season”, aka Teenage years! Ok, I really got off topic, so to respond to your blog post, I am constantly criticized, looked at like a 12-headed demon, etc. for…**gasp** being too honest with my son…don’t those perfect parents CONSTANTLY shower their “perfect” kids with nothing but brutal honesty when it’s NOT something bad? Of course they do! So do I, but I’m also brutally honest when it’s bad. I’m NOT the parent who will coddle my child’s feelings 100% of the time. There are times you just have to tell your precious little do-no-wrongs things that they won’t like to hear…why? Not because I despise them and take great pleasure in hurting their little feelers, but because I love them dearly and hope that they grow up to somewhat understand and successfully know how to cope with this confusing, fucked up, and cruel world we live in, all while being successful in life! Too many parents take the “helicopter” and “bubble wrap” approach while raising their kids, which in my opinion, does not work in the long-term…I am a firm believer in “to each their own” though, just please quit judging me and my realistic/common sense approach to parenting!! That’s just ONE of many things!

  • You are the coolest mom ever! Besides myself, of course. But then again, you are so much like me that maybe we’re the same person? Perhaps not, but similar. Wait till you have 14 and 10 year olds that belch, curse, and pick their noses. Cause that’s what I have 🙂

    Hahahaha! And I wouldn’t trade it for the world 🙂


  • This was posted long ago, so who knows if you’ll see this, but I like to hear myself talk so that’s enough for me.lol

    I’m a prolific and avid curser. I have no kids, but spend plee-heentyyy of time around them with 11 nieces and nephews and 6 more might-as-well-bes. I’ve tried quitting, but I just love it too God-dammed much. So then I’d feel like a bad Auntie. Then I came across a blog post by Single Dad Laughing (http://www.danoah.com/2012/04/should-we-really-call-them-bad-words-to-our-kids.html). He introduced me to the concept of “Grown Up Words”. So now, when I inevitably curse in front of my precious nieces, nephews and might-as-well-bes, and they say “OOoohhhh, you said a bad word!” I just tell them “No, I used a grown up word. And when you’re a grown up, you can too.”

  • Every swear word my kids know they learned from ME while we were travelling the I-12 in Baton Rouge, LA. The upside is, they learned to use them correctly in a sentence at a very early age.

  • You have a way of making me feel more normal 🙂 To add to your list, I listen to Kiss and Nickelback in the car with my 5 year old son. Unfortunately he now sings along, but I tell him he can never repeat any of the words that Nickelback sings (the hubby would have a coronary if he knew I was still letting the munchkin listen to that horrible music!). I did have to start monitoring the Kiss songs he listens too, though, after he started singing so sweetly “Lick it up” …

  • I’m a burper, too! And my husband hates it… I think it’s funny as hell. I grew up with brothers and nearly always won the burping contests… 😛 My son is totally amused by it. I save it for bath time, because that’s when I have the kid all to myself.

    This he learned from his daddy… the balls scratching… My husband does it, so the boyo does it too. At least he doesn’t sniff it… That would freak me out to no end…

    My son likes to use my make-up sponges to put on his own, has tried to shave both his legs and his face, and does a damned good job of brushing his teeth. For a two year old, that’s pretty impressive!

    And he doesn’t talk… yet. I’m waiting for that fun to start! The kid will have a sailor’s vocabulary…

  • I pick on my kids, and call them names….Goober, BoogerHead, and the best/worst…Skittles (because one day I will beat them all the colors of the rainbow if they don’t quit (fill in the blank)…

  • Curse words are processed in a different part of the brain from regular speech and they can actually reduce pain. I saw that on Facebook today and had to share. People are so uptight anymore about right and wrong. You raise your kids and I’ll raise mine!!

  • I let my children watch Beevis and Butthead, (I even call them that) and adult swim because I like to watch it- I told them when they are 12 they pick their own bedtimes and schedules because they will just lie to me anyway, and they are still accountable to go to school etc. so they can stay up til 3am, but they have to get for school, up no matter what. I let my kids watch and talk about anything they want. They are going to do it it anyway, at least we can be honest with each other. I told my children about Santa from birth (the truth) and every year at Thanksgiving my kids were the only ones who knew what REALLY happened to the Native Americans (ie feet ad hands being cut off, enslavement, massacre) because I hate the lies their teachers tell them. We never had set dinner time and mostly ate whatever – both my girls ( 18 and 22 now) eat like health food rock stars right now, so I think they were fine. So… most likely all things that “good ” parents would definitely poo poo.