So what if I wanna be the "Hot Mom"?

After popping Holden out and being a good 20-30 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy (I have burned specifics from my brain), being able to shed that weight relatively quickly (which at the time felt slow as fuck but I have come to realize my delusion), and morphing into what one might consider a “skinny bitch” before his first birthday… I think gave me a false sense of reality on what would become of my once hot body once my loins brought forth another. I mean, hell, I was in better shape after Holden than I was BEFORE him. Sure, there were the widened hips… but y’know, those are a bitch. Push one kid out and they think they can take over.

Even though I gained basically the same amount of weight with Parker as I did with Holden (besides the fact that I ate healthy and exercised, whereas with Holden I stuffed my fucking face like I was eating for myself and a LINEBACKER instead of a baby)- it has NOT been as “easy” as it was to get off this extra weight and to get the muscles in my stomach to GET THE HELL BACK TO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE..
Ahem.. sorry.
But yeah, it’s been awful. Hard. Long. My kid’s almost 3 and I am not at all pleased with how I look. I blame a lot of it on DEPO- that evil fucking bastard- and the hellacious 6 months of constant…erm…flow… I spent on it, part of it on spawning two Klingons in 2 years, and part of it on plain old bad luck, laziness, and back pain.
Yeah, I have a lot of things i’m blaming. And most people see that all as acceptable.
You birthed (insert number of children here) children! You have an excuse to be bigger! Accept it! That pooch ain’t goin’ anywhere! It’s OK! 

I mean, if you’re happy with You:Version 2.0 (or 3.0 or 4.0), good for you! No, really, good for you.
Is the amount of children you’ve had a valid excuse for the way your body looks? Sure it is. They can do a fucking NUMBER on parts you had no idea would even be affected (my friend had stretchmarks on her CALVES, what the flying fuck??)
 That doesn’t mean I want to use it as one!


Stacy’s mom knows what’s up.

What is so wrong with that? I mean, some people look at me like i’m on drugs, either for thinking I can ever get my post-baby body back (or some semblance of it) when I say these things, or for caring so much how my body looks after having kids. Or like I should just accept that i’ve had two children and the extra… extra that’s taken up residence around my center that they left me with.


Yes, I want to be the one who has my kids friends come over (when they get older, DUH) and are horrified when their friends say “DAMN! YOUR MOM LOOKS GOOD!”
You know if you have teenage boys ogling you, you’ve done something right- even if it’s creepy as fuck. Either that or you’ve found the fountain of youth. I’ll take both for 500, Alex.
I want to be the Mom who has my kids but people don’t believe I have that many.
I wan to be the Mom that the other Moms fucking HATE and whisper about how I must spend no time with the kids because I just look too good.

But honestly, I want to be the hot mom for ME. Because at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is your own, and the beginning of true and total happiness is being happy with yourself, no matter what size or shape that happens to be.
And i’m not.

I mean maybe I won’t be the rock-hard bodied babe of the PTA, but damnit-YES- I want to be the hot mom. Judge me for it or not. 

The hot mom who blogs about poop and has a book about exploding vaginas… I’m gonna embarrass my kids so bad.

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 9 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden



  • I want you to know how much I love your writing!! There no a damn thing wrong with wanting to be a hot mom .. just depends on how you get there. I was a hot mom forever, but stayed there with drugs and drinking .. try to avoid that. Been clean and sober 16+ years now and gave up on the hot mom idea, but I am very very proud grandmomma!!!

  • I’ve been very successfully losing weight, due solely to a very strict diet. Mind you, I had a LOT of weight to lose. I’m now officially “lighter” than I was before my first pregnancy, but I was young then (like, ridiculously young), and shaped differently. I feel good, but mostly, I feel like I have lost enough to not have an excuse not to work out anymore.
    Embarrassing my children is a handy side effect I hadn’t considered- I started losing for me, and will start working out for me. BUT if I can simultaneously embarrass them? Hell. Yes.

  • I love you! I totally agree with every word. Lets go out hott old bitches 🙂

  • No one wants to hear it but it’s your chemistry that has changed. That spare tire, pooch, tummy is usually caused by excess sugar. Woman also hold stress and emotional anxiety in their guts. Watch your sugar intake including all the hidden sugars and try finding some time to decompress…you will find your belly shrinking in no time. 😀

  • GIRL!! That DEPO is evil shit!!! I was on the Mirena IUD and they have the same evil crap in them. It screwed my system up so bad that my hormone tests showed that I was premenopausal at, wait for it,…….27!!!!!!!

    Now I’m on some great natural hormones to fix the mess and get my rock hard body back!! And, yes, I will be hotter than Stacy’s mom.

  • Well, IDK how many dads you have reading but love your stuff. Keep it up.

  • I’m smellin’ what you’re steppin’ in. I’d LOVE to be the Hot Mom, but I’ve given up. I’m down to my prepregnancy weight (always happened w/in a couple months of birth), and the wider hips are an improvement over my previous lack of curves, but my boobicles are too small to ever make HOT. I’ve decided to settle for “I can’t BELIEVE you have three kids!” I wish I could say I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am, but the truth is that when I’m not breastfeeding, I’m just too lazy to eat unless I’m starvin’. Someday, I’ll get the exercise thing in and have the kickin’ abs…Someday….

  • I totally agree!!! I went to drop something off to my daughter at her job where she introduced me to some of her co-workers. When she got home that night she said, “James says you’re a M.I.L.F.” and I was like, wth does THAT mean, thinking it was deragatory… she explained & I swear I walked around with a huge smile on my face for about a week!! 😉

  • I gained 102 pounds with my first pregnancy & 70 with my second. my 15 year old’s friends (1st pregnancy) think I’m his girlfriend and my 11year old wants me to “dress old” so his friends won’t think I’m hot anymore.
    Most of the other kids moms don’t like me cause their husbands sneak a peek… but oh well!

    Here’s to hot moms everywhere! Your scale doesn’t tell u if ur hot, ur attitude does! 😉