After popping Holden out and being a good 20-30 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy (I have burned specifics from my brain), being able to shed that weight relatively quickly (which at the time felt slow as fuck but I have come to realize my delusion), and morphing into what one might consider a “skinny bitch” before his first birthday… I think gave me a false sense of reality on what would become of my once hot body once my loins brought forth another. I mean, hell, I was in better shape after Holden than I was BEFORE him. Sure, there were the widened hips… but y’know, those are a bitch. Push one kid out and they think they can take over.
Even though I gained basically the same amount of weight with Parker as I did with Holden (besides the fact that I ate healthy and exercised, whereas with Holden I stuffed my fucking face like I was eating for myself and a LINEBACKER instead of a baby)- it has NOT been as “easy” as it was to get off this extra weight and to get the muscles in my stomach to GET THE HELL BACK TO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE..
But yeah, it’s been awful. Hard. Long. My kid’s almost 3 and I am not at all pleased with how I look. I blame a lot of it on DEPO- that evil fucking bastard- and the hellacious 6 months of constant…erm…flow… I spent on it, part of it on spawning two Klingons in 2 years, and part of it on plain old bad luck, laziness, and back pain.
Yeah, I have a lot of things i’m blaming. And most people see that all as acceptable.
You birthed (insert number of children here) children! You have an excuse to be bigger! Accept it! That pooch ain’t goin’ anywhere! It’s OK!
NO IT IS NOT OK.
I mean, if you’re happy with You:Version 2.0 (or 3.0 or 4.0), good for you! No, really, good for you.
Is the amount of children you’ve had a valid excuse for the way your body looks? Sure it is. They can do a fucking NUMBER on parts you had no idea would even be affected (my friend had stretchmarks on her CALVES, what the flying fuck??)
That doesn’t mean I want to use it as one!
I WANT TO BE THE HOT MOM.
|Stacy’s mom knows what’s up.|
What is so wrong with that? I mean, some people look at me like i’m on drugs, either for thinking I can ever get my post-baby body back (or some semblance of it) when I say these things, or for caring so much how my body looks after having kids. Or like I should just accept that i’ve had two children and the extra… extra that’s taken up residence around my center that they left me with.
I WANT TO BE THE FRIGGIN’ HOT MOM.
Yes, I want to be the one who has my kids friends come over (when they get older, DUH) and are horrified when their friends say “DAMN! YOUR MOM LOOKS GOOD!”–
You know if you have teenage boys ogling you, you’ve done something right- even if it’s creepy as fuck. Either that or you’ve found the fountain of youth. I’ll take both for 500, Alex.
I want to be the Mom who has my kids but people don’t believe I have that many.
I wan to be the Mom that the other Moms fucking HATE and whisper about how I must spend no time with the kids because I just look too good.
But honestly, I want to be the hot mom for ME. Because at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is your own, and the beginning of true and total happiness is being happy with yourself, no matter what size or shape that happens to be.
And i’m not.
I mean maybe I won’t be the rock-hard bodied babe of the PTA, but damnit-YES- I want to be the hot mom. Judge me for it or not.
The hot mom who blogs about poop and has a book about exploding vaginas… I’m gonna embarrass my kids so bad.
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.