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Commercials may be more clever than they used to be, but they can still kiss my…

There is a small part of me that is impressed with how clever commercials have gotten these days. They still make their point, but in a way that can make you giggle, straight-out snort, or guilt your ass into buying whatever the hell it is they’re peddling, even if you don’t really need it.
Marketing has always fascinated me. Demographics and sales pitches, soft-sells and hard-sells. And I remember my mom absolutely HATING commercials when I was a kid, because with my soft little impressionable brain, everything I saw I WANTED.
There’s really not much that’s more annoying than a crotchfruit sitting in front of the boob-tube whining after each and every commercial about how they “NEEEEEEEEEEEED that!”

I mean, seriously. Orbeez? As a friend once said: “Yes, because that’s exactly what every 11 year old girl REALLY needs is a “soothing foot bath”-” LIFE IS SO HARD!

Anyway, yeah, I remember begging for the stupidest shit on TV just because it was on TV and they made junk look REALLY cool- but everything else is slightly fuzzy. Y’know, it was a bazillion years ago and everything. I’m quite positive the whining, begging, pleading, and moaning about how it’s “NOT FAIR” that happened on a semi-regular basis were annoying enough to make my mother want to spork me in the forehead.

Such is the life of a parent. Everywhere you go there’s advertising for something or another that companies want you to think you’ll need. And usually for us of the adult-kind, we can resist. Unless we’re REALLY hungry; it’s hard to make good decisions when your stomach is attempting to inhale itself. Other than that, it’s easy to walk, drive past or completely ignore TV commercials. Well, other than the really sad ones (SCREW YOU Sarah McLaughlan!)… Ok, so minus the food ones when you’re hungry and the sad eyed puppy ones, YES, commercials are easy to ignore. UGH.

As an adult without kids, I MAY have even learned to enjoy commercials- yes, outside of the Superbowl ones that people spent an asinine amount of money to plan and create so they HAVE to be awesome- y’know, because there was no one like myself as a child to bug me about the crap that infiltrated their brains through the television screen.

Of course, as we all know, that peaceful bliss with the mass amount of advertising out there these days, was ruined. By children. My children.

I don’t blame them, really I don’t. When you’re little, the world is your fucking oyster. You have someone to make EVERY meal for you, wipe and wash your ass, rock you to sleep, wipe away your tears and kiss all the booboos better; why the fuck WOULDN’T you think you were entitled to everything on the TV as well?

Even with as much as you teach them that they absolutely CANNOT have everything, it’s hard to resist the bells, whistles, lights and BLINKING FUCKING SIRENS screaming at them in technicolor.
BUT- much to the contradiction of my childhood memories, that is not even the most annoying part. There is something far more dark and sinister at work here, y’all- and that is the repetition that comes from commercials. And I don’t mean how you feel like you’ve seen the same commercial five thousand fucking times in a row, but the repetition coming out of your child from these repetitive commercials.

Look, i’m no TV Nazi. Yes, we watch TV, and I honestly see nothing wrong with it. IN MODERATION of course. The kids have special TV times, and we have “no TV times”- which became more frequent when Holden started singing the most annoying TV Jingle ever to be created: J.G. mother-badword Wentworth.
I still have nightmares from that.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I limit the TV (and no, do not suggest we stop watching it. I love my TV, deal with it!), it still seeps into their life-absorbing littlebig heads. From brand names, to products, to car logos and fast food restaurants (yes imagine the shock when Holden listed the name of every one we passed even though we’d never visited them)… and the WORDS. Oh, the random words!
I mean sure, it might teach them a thing or two every now and then- because of course, kids with their huge curiosity and wonderment are going to ask questions about abso-fucking-lutely everything, but with that comes the useless bullshit. Lots and lots of useless bullshit.

If I even tried to list all the dumb crap they’ve picked up along the way, I would be here for days- and let’s face it, my attention span is just not that long. Plus i’m lazy. So let’s get to the point. The genesis of this little blog right here. WHAT pray tell, is annoying the piss out of me right now?

The word: BOOYAH!

All thanks to a stupid fucking talking bag of Tostitos, my life has become an endless chorus of BOOYAHs being shouted throughout the house at all hours of the day.
BOOYAH! BOOYAH!
I may never look at  7-layer dip the same way ever again. Perhaps Tostitos should have thought of the negative repercussions of a talking bad of chips, hmmm? Just like I think Snuggle should think about how that fucking bear looks like a SERIAL KILLER!!!! GET IT AWAY!

Ahem… but yeah- there’s no such thing as an innocent harmless commercial when you have kids who enjoy nothing more than begging for every single item they see, singing obnoxious jingles, and repeating THE most annoying shit they hear.

Damnit… now I want nachos.
The commercials win again.

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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4 Comments

  • 877-CASHNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

  • ^^ LMMFAO!

    Yeah I get the most RANDOM shit stuck in my head and I don’t even watch commercials everything I watch is RECORDED! hahahahahahahaha

    But yeah I can imagine with little ones it getting QUITE ANNOYING! 🙂

  • My husband and I joke that if they were advertising a bag of poop on TV, the kids would absolutely HAVE to have it. I’ve woken up too many Saturdays to find my 7yo watching infomercials and commencing to “sell” me on workout machinery and videos, kitchen gadgets, cleaning supplies, whatever they’re selling now. And Orbees? I could put my feet in a bowl of wet marbles and get almost the same result. I put my foot right the hell down on that one!

  • My son for a while would yell out randomly,”It’s my money and I need it now.” It was really funny at first but after a while the cuteness of it faded. So far that has been the only thing that he has picked up on. The thing is I am just as annoying as he is at times. When I got tired of it I would start doing it back. He would run up and start to say something, I would interrupt him by loudly saying “It’s my money and I need it now.”