If you’ve read my book, by now you know that it is absolutely NO secret that I had two rough pregnancies. I was the worst preggo EVER. People cleared streets and sirens would alarm when I wobbled and stomped into the vicinity like an army of vaginas trudging through the mud (not really, but they should have). Other than the porno tits, I saw absolutely nothing good about being pregnant, and even those I hated half the time because they felt like I was constantly being boxed in them by ninjas.
Now that it’s been nearly 3 years since I was last burdgeoning with my very own miniature human, and I can finally look at pregnant women as anything other than carriers of evil and giggling to myself that it was them and not me- I think I can finally sit down and write a retrospective on the few things I actually MISS about being pregnant. SHOCKER, yes, there are a few. But you can bet your sweet ass it’s not going to be anything flowery and gag inducing like “baby’s first kick!”- yeah, you won’t get that from the girl whose children tried to Chuck Norris their way out of her stomach at 2 every morning.
I don’t like to hold grudges, and my uterus has long since moved on from torturing my insides with pointy knees and elbows (yeah, Flo, i’m talking to you! Ya bitch!)- so it’s much easier to reflect without the stink eye taking over.
So, because I am in a weird listy kinda mood lately, and because i’m feeling more nostalgia than evil, here is my list of the random shit I miss about pregnancy:
1. Close Parking Spaces: I know people get all up in fucking arms about how pregnant women get the special treatment in parking lots. I’ve even heard complaints that pregnant women SHOULD be the ones making the long walk to the entrance to various stores.. but y’know what? When you’re blowing the fuck up, you will take what little perks you can get. Especially when you have what feels like lightning zapping through your hipbones and up into your hoo-ha- the last thing you want to be doing is hobbling a mile in the cold or heat.
2. Huge Clothing: Seriously, you could wear a fucking TENT and people would still gush about how beautiful and glowing you looked. And it didn’t matter if you’d been vomming all morning or (like me) shitting everything except your uterus out, people still compliment you.
3. The diet: Or lack thereof, duh. If I slurped up a milkshake and washed it down with a big gulp and a footlong hotdog now? I’d feel massive amounts of guilt. Then? “Well, i’m eating for two!” Even though you know that was a load of horsecrap, it was an excuse, and excuses while pregnant are awesome.
4. Not being able to travel: It’s a pain in the ass for those who are jetsetting or have plans… but for me? I used that shit as an excuse not to do ANYTHING more than 20 minutes away. What’s that you say? You’re having a cookout? And the forecast is 90 degrees? Yeaaah…. my doctor says I can’t travel too far from the hospital. Sorry!
5. Swollen ass feet and other extremities: Because it meant I had a reason to annoy the piss out of the husband to paint my toenails for me.
6. NO BRA! Look, I have an unhealthy obsession with wearing a bra. I do NOT like to be without it, free-boobin’ is the least comfortable thing next to having a front wedgie while wearing a thong.
7. Giant lips: Some womens nose widens. Some get giant puffy cheeks. That shit sucks- but with Parker the only thing on my face that swelled was my lips. We’re talking HUGE collagen lips. Like i’d stuck them in a vacuum cleaner hose. Who needs injections when you can get it for free??
8. Complimentary complimenting! You can be the biggest bitch-ass in the world and people will still tell you how beautiful and glowing you are. Probably because they don’t wanna see you get all emotional and shit (I mean the GUILT from making a preggo cry? That’s intense), but you still bask in it all (like a beached whale on a hot summer’s day, but still basking)
9. Explosive life ruining diarrhea: OK OK OK! I couldn’t fucking be positive ANY LONGER! I made it through 8 random things before the memories I tried to burn from my brain came boiling over the top. All I can think about from pregnancy (other than the giant tatas) honestly, was about how many nights I spent on the shitter crying and sweating and swearing I was going to poop out a baby. I knew it wasn’t possible, but I also didn’t think shitting nonstop for hours was possible either. There’s pooping, and there is sting ring to the Nth power. There is a tummy ache and being able to physically feel the growls from the outside.
There’s just no two ways about it, being pregnant SUCKS. But you’re growing a friggin’ human in your guts- I guess we shouldn’t expect it to be simple.
Suck it up and enjoy the tits, yes?
Wait… that sounds wrong..
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.