The unthinkable poo debacle. It can happen to you.

We’ve lived in this house for a few months shy of a year now. When we moved out of the last house, it was a relief for MANY reasons- but mostly because it meant we were FINALLY getting out of a house with only ONE bathroom and into a house with two.

To some, that’s no big deal, but to us it was like winning the damn lottery! Or at least to me it was.

You see, I am a pooper. Most of you may know this, but some may not- so i’ll say it again. I AM A POOPER. Ok? I poop a lot. And when I have to poop I do not like to wait. Or more like my stomach screams at me to EVACUATE CONTENTS NOW OR YOU WILL EXPLODE. In other words, my stomach is a bitch and one quickly learns to obey it or there will be severe consequences.

When you live in a household of 4 people with only one bathroom, and you have a stomach that is a hateful bitch- you run into problems. A lot of problems. Like having to go SO bad that you physically squeeze your cheeks together as to keep the contents of your colon IN your colon, but you can’t go- because someone else is going. You have moments where you honestly consider crapping in the kitchen sink because you have calculated how much longer you can hold in whatever business it is that you must do (this includes pee), and the calculation came back as negative three, but there is a kid on the pot, and we all know kids are like old men in that they have the bladder of a squirrel and take FOREVER to pinch a loaf (which under any other circumstance you prefer, because the opposite would be having the runs and NO ONE wants their kids to have the runs).

One bathroom to 4 people is unacceptable unless you have a stomach of steel or have been practicing your rectal kegels to the point of being able to hold back a Tsunami sized poo-wave.
I’d prefer a bathroom per person, but let’s get real here- i’m not a friggin’ millionaire and bathrooms on a house seem to cost more than extra bedrooms. Not.Gonna.Happen.

If two is all I can get- I WILL TAKE IT. No more competing for bathrooms! Someone’s occupying downstairs? I’ll go upstairs. It’s more private and spacious anyway. Someone’s busy in the upstairs, taking a shower, washing their ass, primping? I’ll go downstairs. No biggie.

In the almost year that we have been living here, never did the situation arise where I needed to use a bathroom RIGHTNOW and didn’t have one available to do so. Never had to come home and race to the bathroom first because I had become acutely aware on some random car ride that I was not the only one who needed to go and therefore had better stake my claim on it, or I would end up dying at the hand of someone else’s fart fumes.

I knew the days of free-poopin’ couldn’t last forever. I knew eventually a time would have to come where both toilets would be in use when my stomach would decide THE TIME IS NOW. AND BY NOW, I MEAN RIGHTNOW, and that time for me came this weekend. Joy.

Right after lunch, the beginning of nap time, and that oh-so familiar pang hit me. There’s just something about drinking on a Friday night that PISSES my stomach OFF right after lunch on Saturday. It never fails. So it’s not that it was unusual to have to go, but the urgency I sensed to do so immediately was enough to have my flying off the couch and making a beeline for the nearest bathroom. Door closed. CRAP, I forgot. Thomas has been in there for the past 10 or so minutes, I would assume blowing it the fuck UP.
Ok, no problem- I shot up the stairs- and I should have fucking known what i’d find there. Holden, naked from the waist down, perched on the toilet.

For some reason, Holden thinks that “nap time” is code for “don’t sleep and go poop instead” time. Every day. It never fails. I ask him all the time “why don’t you just poop BEFORE nap time?” – to him, this question is completely illogical.

I was stuck. Had to poop but nowhere to go. So I waited. And by waited I mean paced back and forth, cursing under my breath, hoping that the constant motion would make it so I would not crap myself.
“But Mommy, i’m just relaxing and waiting for the doodoo to come out. Why are you walking like that?”
Oh you mean the poo-waddle? The butt clenching shuffle? The stiff-legged slide? BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO. WHAT, YOU THOUGHT I WAS LYING? I WILL POOP ON YOU!

The child hadn’t even dropped a single turd yet. He wasn’t even trying. I knew this was not going to end well.

For a good 4 minutes, we actually argued about how long it was going to take him to poo and how I thought MINE would be done before he even had a turtle-head. He disagreed. His bowel movement, or lack thereof, to him was FAR more important.
In the middle of this conversation, Thomas emerges from the downstairs bathroom and peers up the stairs,
“What are you doing?”
I explain the urgency, and he reminds me that the downstairs bathroom is now open. I do not even pause to consider it. There is no way I am going to suffocate in the remnants of his 20 minute long toilet battle, and our bathrooms don’t have fart fans.
He looked at me like I was batshit crazy. He is used to his own brand. I am not. I don’t want to be!

Somehow, Holden must have sensed the extreme panic in my voice because I convinced him to get the hell off of the toilet and to let me go before him. Even though he’d already been on the pot for a good 10 minutes, he got up and said “Ok mommy, you can go first”


Of course, then he stood in the corner, butt-ass-naked from the waist down, staring at me with this weird dopey little smile on his face… but toilet-beggars can’t be choosers I guess.

I guess what we learned from this story is that
A) I need more bathrooms
B) When the poo can’t wait, the poo can’t wait. Don’t argue with the poo or with someone else’s urgent poo.
C) I need more bathrooms
D) Holden is the slowest pooper on the face of the earth.
E) Fart fans are a MUST in all bathrooms.

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 12 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • You may want to invest in one of those chemical toilets like people use for camping. I have friends with teenage boys and it doesn’t matter how many bathrooms there are in the house, unless it’s one per person, they can never get in one. Great blog!

  • invest in candles for post thomas usage. i have TWO stinkers whom i must occasionally follow…i have candles and lighters and even incense if it becomes necessary…and there are days…IT IS NECESSARY.
    just a thought.

  • Once again I laughed until I had tears streaming from my eyes…you always know how to brighten someone’s day…especially a fellow mom! 🙂

  • We call Cordell, the “45 minute pooper”, because that child goes in to poop and is evidently waiting for it to just decide to slide out. Sometimes I think he goes in there to poop, and doesn’t even need to poop. Before we moved and had 2 bathrooms, this wasn’t an issue, but now with only one bathroom it is. I have IBS, and sometimes the need to go comes on very fast, and is URGENT. I have actually considered using the liter box, on more than one occasion. I think the cat would judge me though.

  • When all the bathrooms are occupied with devious defecators, round these parts we call that the “Poo-fect Storm”

  • We have 2 bathrooms and 3 adults and 1 child. Two of the adults do not have gallbladders, so when we have to go we HAVE TO GO NOW…without fail my 8 year old will look at me as I am racing to the bathroom and say, but Mommy I HAVE TO GO NOW TOO and will try to beat me to the bathroom. The other bathroom is not always an option as that is on the master bedroom, and the 1 occupant of that room (the other person without a gallbladder) does not like to share. It makes it very hard when family comes in from out of town (I stay at the boyfriends house under those circumstances). I hate to fight for the bathroom. I am of the belief that EVERY bedroom should have their own bathroom as well as 1 extra “guest” bathroom.

  • Try this poopey party with 6 six kids and 4 bathrooms, and I had both. Solution? I got to have one that was MINE and no one else was allowed to even enter the establishment, let alone cut a fart or sit on the thunder mug!

    I suggest a bathroom just for you.

  • Finally, someone else full of s**t just like me!! Lol!! I thought I was the only one! My poor boyfriend has had to deal with my poop issues for a long time! I am celiac with IBS and when my stomach isnt happy with the tiniest thing it presses flush and everything in it’s way gets pushed towards the exit!! I nearly crapped my pants while on a “romantic” weekend getaway and spent half the day in the hotel bathroom just because my tummy didnt like the falafel we had for lunch. I cant even count the number of times where we have been shopping, I look at my boyfriend and say “We have to go home, NOW!” And he knows exactly why and obediently goes to get the car!
    As for the smelly factory, you need to get febreeze air freshener spray. It is the only one that really works because the molecules cling to the smell and change it into carbon dioxide, so you arent covering up the smell but actually destroying it! Good luck my fellow poopers!!lol!

  • When I have to go, I get no notice, like I don’t usually really have time to run to the potty, and then it’s not much, like my body will get all overdramatic stomach gurgling about to shit yourself where you stand over a bunny turd.

    I think it’s because my hips, and the reasoning is… I went to this doctor once, D.O. instead of an M.D., and he said my hip is whacked. You know how when you get pregnant your hips expand and after the baby they retract, well sometimes they don’t retract back to the way they were. Now I’ve had MD’s disagree with me on this, but I’ve had more MD’s and DO’s and Nurses as well as moms agree that’s what happens. So my hip just didn’t come back in right, so the doctor then asked how my bowel movements were, and when I explained it, he was like “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” So he yanked on my leg and stuff popped into place on my hip and lower back, and while it hurt like a little bitch that night, I was fine for months. The hip felt great and BM’s were normal, and then I slowly started to morph back into craziness. A lot of it was because I was suppose to go see a physical therapist and I didn’t because I’m a mom like i have time for that shit. It was twice a week. Twice a week. That’s a lot to ask a mom without paying her.

    So anyway, if your hip is funky and so are your turds, I’m just saying the two could be related. I would have never made such a connection on my own volition.

    And I like the Lady Dragonfly comment. That’s a very good idea. We have 2 bathrooms, and the one in the Master room the kids know not to go there. Of course a lot of it is because the toilet doesn’t flush right ever since one of the kids flushed something down there…

  • I feel your pain!!!! My stomach is a bitch who hates me! I have 5 kids a husband and 2 bathrooms. Not nearly enough. I have had my 5 year old pee in the tub just so I didn’t have to wait for his slow little butt to pee. I would much rather bleach the tub after my insides came out my butt then to have my insides explode on the inside!!!!! Love the post!

  • Yeah, having only one bathroom in the house is a pain. One case in point:

    A few days ago my 15 year old son, overall a great kid, clogs the only toilet in the house with a huge constipated turd as soon as he gets home from school. He then goes to a friends house, without unclogging it. 30 minutes later I get home from work and I so need a poop in the worst way after holding things in much of the afternoon. I go into the bathroom, unzip, lift up the closed toilet seat lid, and freeze in place as I’m staring for about a minute at this monster turd. Of course the whole time my own turd is turtle-heading even with butt cheeks clenched. It is well past the point of being able to hold it back, so I quickly get my butt on the toilet and add 5 solid turds to the pile. I had him come home early, gave him a stick from the yard, and told him to get things to flush. I’m sure he enjoyed looking at my poop as much as I enjoyed looking at his, and I made it very clear how badly I needed to poop. So hopefully that won’t happen again. I don’t appreciate looking at someones poop, much less my son’s, and especially when I’m on the verge of pooping myself!