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Ten toys I could live without (but the kids can’t)

As a mom, I buy my kids shit. Not actual shit mind you (they make enough of that on their own), but it’s still shit to me. I’m not one of those “i’ll buy you whatever you want as long as you STFU and let me finish my grocery shopping” types, but they do get toys on occasions other than holidays and birthdays. Which in turn means that my house is full of useless junk. Not useless to them mind you, but useless to me- because there’s only so much kid junk that keeps my more superior adult brain (aka, little to no imagination) occupied. I buy them for them because they like them and i’m attempting to do that whole “good mommy” thing; plus that means they won’t be tugging at my pant leg begging me to constantly entertain them with puppets or some shit, but that doesn’t mean I like them. Actually, to be totally honest with you, I HATE the majority of their toys.  It’s hard not to when you’ve developed this paranoid flinch when you hear the battery powered ones flip to the “on” position. So, like I do with so many other things in my random life- I have made a list of the ones that top my “if I could melt you down into plastic to use as a footrest without causing my child to have an explosion the size of Chernobyl, I would” list.

1. Matchbox cars: There is no doubt in my mind that they all feed into a collective conscious stream that tells them to attempt to break parents necks. Why else would you only EVER find them at the bottom of a stairwell or in the dead center of a room. Sometimes I am convinced they materialize directly under my feet.






2. Magna Doodles: There’s only so many times I can look at a drawing of.. ????THEFUCK?? and clap and say “YAY!” before they start asking me to tell them what I think it is, and then I get bitched the hell out for not knowing. Oh, and i’m really fucking sick of the stylus breaking off and the full on face melting tantrums it causes when you can’t find it.

3. Anything with stickers: Give it about 5 minutes and those pieces of doesn’tstickgoodenough shit are torn off left and right. Now you’re left with a super expensive busted ass toy that looks like you bought it for a penny at a garage sale. Even worse when YOU were forced to put the stickers on yourself.





4. “Some assembly required”: because fuck you. And the horse you rode in on.




5. Anything that makes noise: If you have ever been forced to sit through 25 rounds of the ABC song, you feel my pain

6. Books: Yeah, they’re educational. You’re encouraged to read to your children to promote learning- but I swear to fuck if I have to say Goodnight to the bowl of oatmeal one more fucking time I will snap. And furthermore, who the fuck eats oatmeal before bed? You’re tellin’ me you let that kid eat his breakfast and leave the bowl in his room all day? Barf.

7. THIS FUCKING BUS

Seriously. Its eyes TWITCH when it rolls. Ours is currently stuck in the eyes rolled back 
“i’m going to devour your soul” position.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
8. Thomas the Train anything: It’s expensive as all hell, and it says “PEEP PEEP”–  Might as well go to a strip club for the same effect and pay LESS. 
9. Recorders:  Do I really need to explain this one? I am positive whomever thought up the recorder did it as a malicious hateful gag. I am also convinced that the friends who gave my child TWO for his first birthday hate me. Needless to say, they are hidden in a deep dark corner of a closet I will not identify… but really I should have incinerated them. 
10. Legos: We.All.Know.Why.

What makes your list of toys you could live without (aka burn at the stake and dance on the ashes of)??


Posted on May 17, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 29 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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29 Comments

  • HAHAHA Polly freaking Pockets!!! Hate those bitches! LOL BTW #4 is my favorite!

  • Ohmygosh, I freaking HATE these police and firetrucks that have totally realistic sirens and he OCD pushes them on ALL.FREAKING.DAY! NONSTOP! And we have those puzzles that have sensors and make the animal sounds when you put the matching piece on the correct spot – except we have lost some of the pieces and the sounds randomly go off, like when I turn on or off the lights or at 3am scaring the crap out of me! My police officer husband works nights and has almost shot them coming in late when they scare him.. Those are 2 of my least favorite and I think they’re going to have an “accident” quite soon… bwahaha! Is that mean? 😉

  • 1. stick horse that sings, “im a pretty pony…”
    2. art supplies of any kind (they end up on and under and in everything… includes markers, crayons, fingerpaints, pens, pencils…)
    3. an easy bake oven. ’nuff said.
    4. plastic food, dishes, anything “kitchen” related…
    5. loose change. yeah, money. to play with. pennies pennies everywhere…
    6. marbles.
    7. jacks and those damned bouncy balls that the dog can swallow…
    8. bath toys.
    9. disney movies from the 50s. gack gack gack…
    10. legos. yep, every gender, every age…every single size.

  • I loathe the recorder. Snark Girl had to learn to play it for music. But, my current least favorite toy is the V-Tech Learning Tunes Karaoke machine. It has various voices, one of which sounds like the Devil crossed with a pedophile. It is super creepy. I hate it more than I hate stepping on a mega-block. Great blog.

  • Those effing poppy lawn mower things with the same rolling demonic eyes…. Bubbles and the wands that you have to drench your fingers in bubble juice to get to…. Jacks…any tiny musical instrument of any kind… Barbie shoes…. Tiny army guys with tiny guns that your 4 year old son insists the army guy must hold even though there is no way in hell it ever will, short of using super glue and then they get all bitchy when he won’t let go of said gun…and so so so many more….

  • I’m sending all of the toys you listed to your kids for Christmas!! I have them all and need a good way to get rid of them!! LMAO!! GREAT post!

  • 1. Anything musically Dora – ANYTHING
    2. Noah’s Arc toy with animals – deafening loud
    3. Anything without a volume control or OFF switch
    4. Sophia baby squeaky teething toy – Dogs wanted to pounce my daughter every time she squeezed it.
    5. Lincoln Logs… WHO ends up building it all the time?
    6. iPad when my daughter finds the YouTube videos of babies getting shots.
    7. ANY toy car/truck that makes a police, ambulance or fire engine sound
    8. Miniature legos where you build something following the detailed directions. It always falls and we’re finding pieces for weeks.
    9. Alphie Robot – It was cute for like a second
    10. Did I mention anything musically Dora – ANYTHING

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • For my son’s first birthday my aunt got him a pretend lawnmower. The eyes rolled sideways, had a plastic grass catcher with fake grass in that spun in a circle. It sai things like “LETS MOW!” Or “VROOM VROOM!!” It also made a sound similar to a weed eater. My son is now 10 and as of last Halloween, the damn thing STILL worked!! On the original set of batteries. Not kidding. Only it had got to the randomly-going-off-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-everyone stage. So on Halloween, the demon possessed lawnmower was in the closet at may parents (which I should add we live in BFE, so we’re well armed), and about 3am, all they heard was “YUUUUMMM!!! THAT’S GOOD!!!” Coming from the closet. Needless to say, it almost got shot. A lot. Took the batteries out, and it STILL WORKED!!! I think its buried in the south 40 somewhere, but I’m not sure…

  • Polly Pockets – I don’t know if you guys have them in the US. Tiny little plastic dolls with tiny little plastic clothes. Nobody ever puts them away and I just end up hoovering them up.

    Might as well just vacuum up my money and save the middle man.

    And any other plastic shit you can think of. And marbles. And anything that requires an adult to make it work. Ugh..

  • Those talking, crying, pissing and shitting baby dolls! You cant turn them off and then randomly this thing will cry or talk! Scares the living shit out of me and they are creepy as hell. Who wants to “play” change a shitty diaper?!?! Or those dolls with the eyes that shut when you lie them down….they always end up getting one eye stuck and they look possessed!

  • Why kids feel happy with these things as these are most irritating things for us,I think soft toys or any character toy is best for them.
    kids toys

  • Anything small, pokey, or loud, which is basically EVERYTHING they own. Stuffed toys even make the list at times when I have to wash them over and over… All the megs blocks we own are currently stuffed into a bag in our attic, which The Oldest just found… wish me luck.

  • 1. Littlest Pet Shop and everything that goes with it. I could never get all 5,000 items up and in their bags. (Yes I have severe OCD and all of munchkins toys were in clear plastic zipper bags according to type) I gave these away to another little girl including the play houses.
    2. All the dollar toys that she just have to have because they are “so cool mom” and they break the first time she uses them…I get to step on them and then deal with major meltdown psycho mode when I throw them away.
    3. PAINT munchkin wants to be an artist so she has container upon container of paint and other various art supplies.
    4. Nintendo DS games she can never find them when she wants them, so I have to go in her room and look through the mess she has made and will NOT clean up the proper way. (I think she knows that I will end up cleaning her room to find the stupid things to avoid the psycho meltdown)
    5. Bubbles she is 8 now and still insists on blowing the stupid soapy bubbles IN the house. Come on munchkin think we have laminate flooring you are going to get it all soapy and then I am going to have to clean it too.
    6. Sidewalk Chalk she likes to grind it into a powder and make “paint” by mixing it with water.
    7. The hundreds (at least it seems that way) stuffed animals that she has, and we just have to switch out the one she sleeps with EVERY night, and yet again I will have to go through her room to find the one damn stuffed animal that is in the far corner under the bed with 50 other things piled on top of it to avoid a hellish night.

    I could go on and on with this list.

  • My younger brother once gave my eldest child a 10,000 piece bead set… Yes, I said TEN FUCKING THOUSAND…
    Need I say more?

  • Baby fun toys keeps your little baby cool and happy on a sunny day, little helpful fan is perfect for that little need of coolness, blades are made of soft foam that does not hurt children’s curious fingers when they touch them.

  • I absolutely hate recorders. I would take them and throw them behind the entertainment stand and act all upset when the kids couldn’t find them…you know to make it more believable. I also hate anything that talks….manly because batteries effectually die and you can’t find a screw driver when you need it. And whenever it talks it sounds like it’s possessed.

  • loving mom that HATES legos October 5, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    My son is 12 now, and has informed me that he is a ‘sentimental hoarder’. Which literally means he won’t get rid of ANYTHING! He has millions upon millions of legos and we still have every box from every lego set he’s ever had. He absolutely refuses to toss the boxes. Also I have injured myself to the point of almost breaking my foot and having a lego dig so deep into my knee that it was bloody and made a scar. I knelt down to say goodnight to him, and in the dark I unknowing put my knee right on a lego, and it was a huge lego to boot. The scar is all the way across my knee. But if I get rid of even one, he will somehow know. Its like there’s a lego fairy that fells him ‘mom just threw out a lego’. Although I did throw the one that bloodied my knee…

  • 1. Anything collectible. I swear my child has OCD and its like as soon as she starts a new ‘limited time’ collection i breathe in – and hold my breath until she either completes the collection and stacks it away in her drawer, or, god help me, the ‘limited time’ runs out and she’s still missing some of the bits…. kid makes demonic possession look positively pleasant by comparison
    2. My Little Pony toys that run on batteries. the high pitched over-the-top cheerfulness makes me want to drop kick the bloody things
    3. kiddy laptops – specifically the ‘barbie and thumbelina’ one i bought my now 7 year old for her third birthday. aside from the irritation of hearing the stupid talking thing that has no damn volume control go on and on and on about the difference between one triangle and five diamonds…. when you turn it off it says ‘thumbellina had so much fun with you, bye bye’. when they DON”T turn it off, just close it up and put it somewhere and walk away it still talks. it says ‘choose a game’ and other stupid phrases every hour or so until you hunt it down in whatever hole theyve burried it and turn the fucker off. once it took me three days. pretty sure that toy alone is going to drive me to therapy…..
    4. bubbles. no explanation needed, just bubbles
    5. small toys that need to be put together, but then a few days after you get it one vitally important piece falls off and is then apparently transported into an alternative dimension where it can watch you frantically searching for it in an attempt to stop the inevitable implosion/explosion of a child who insists they will just DIE if you can’t get this toy together again…. and then they turn up again two days later (after you’ve had your walls and ceiling repaired) somewhere completely obvious that you KNOW you looked and you triumphantly put together this stupid friggin toy and present it to your child with the absolute certainty of bringing joy to your little minion….. and it turns out that your damn minion has actually completely forgotten the whole thing and is confused as to why you are trying to give them this completely uninteresting piece of junk……
    yeah, that’s probably the worst one i think. hate the tiny constructable toys

  • Any form of stroller or grocery cart. We have been thru 4 or more and one kid always thinks it’s sooooo freaking awesome to pusg the other around in it. Well they always break and mommy ain’t f’in fixing it this time!!!

  • Lol I love this list… many are on mine, just one VITAL one missed! PLAY-DOH and all its pieces to play with it!