As a mom, I buy my kids shit. Not actual shit mind you (they make enough of that on their own), but it’s still shit to me. I’m not one of those “i’ll buy you whatever you want as long as you STFU and let me finish my grocery shopping” types, but they do get toys on occasions other than holidays and birthdays. Which in turn means that my house is full of useless junk. Not useless to them mind you, but useless to me- because there’s only so much kid junk that keeps my more superior adult brain (aka, little to no imagination) occupied. I buy them for them because they like them and i’m attempting to do that whole “good mommy” thing; plus that means they won’t be tugging at my pant leg begging me to constantly entertain them with puppets or some shit, but that doesn’t mean I like them. Actually, to be totally honest with you, I HATE the majority of their toys. It’s hard not to when you’ve developed this paranoid flinch when you hear the battery powered ones flip to the “on” position. So, like I do with so many other things in my random life- I have made a list of the ones that top my “if I could melt you down into plastic to use as a footrest without causing my child to have an explosion the size of Chernobyl, I would” list.
1. Matchbox cars: There is no doubt in my mind that they all feed into a collective conscious stream that tells them to attempt to break parents necks. Why else would you only EVER find them at the bottom of a stairwell or in the dead center of a room. Sometimes I am convinced they materialize directly under my feet.
2. Magna Doodles: There’s only so many times I can look at a drawing of.. ????THEFUCK?? and clap and say “YAY!” before they start asking me to tell them what I think it is, and then I get bitched the hell out for not knowing. Oh, and i’m really fucking sick of the stylus breaking off and the full on face melting tantrums it causes when you can’t find it.
3. Anything with stickers: Give it about 5 minutes and those pieces of doesn’tstickgoodenough shit are torn off left and right. Now you’re left with a super expensive busted ass toy that looks like you bought it for a penny at a garage sale. Even worse when YOU were forced to put the stickers on yourself.
5. Anything that makes noise: If you have ever been forced to sit through 25 rounds of the ABC song, you feel my pain
6. Books: Yeah, they’re educational. You’re encouraged to read to your children to promote learning- but I swear to fuck if I have to say Goodnight to the bowl of oatmeal one more fucking time I will snap. And furthermore, who the fuck eats oatmeal before bed? You’re tellin’ me you let that kid eat his breakfast and leave the bowl in his room all day? Barf.
7. THIS FUCKING BUS
The fact that the wine section of Wal-Mart is directly next to the baby section cannot be an accident.
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Actions speak louder than words! pic.twitter.com/O2r8sDIBuT
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I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.