It has now been over 3 months since I wrote this little piece on how a handy dandy period tracking app on my phone singlehandedly brought down Valentine’s Day bootie in this house by telling me that my absolute most fertile day was on V-Day. I started using the app a month or two before that, so one might assume with a little confidence that the app would by then at least have an idea when the user’s insides were going to declare mutiny.
Now, if you’ve been following the saga of the period app- you would know that it fucking LIED TO ME. It was a good week off on my period, and had I not been avoiding sex like the plague, and had given the husband make-up sex after the fact to try and lessen the…erm…blow… of getting nada on the day where everyone gets SOMETHING (even if by their own doing)- then this blog might be going in a different direction. You know, the one that would say “oops, the app tricked me so badly that i’m now knocked up. THANKS A FUCKING LOT!”
Thank the sweet baby jeebus and all his holy stars that that is NOT what happened here. Not that where this is going is much more pleasant.
You see, over the months of having this bitch be wrong about when mother nature was going to be battle axing my door down like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” with a big psychotic smile on her face- I noticed a trend. Hey, if it can’t do its job correctly, I might as well find SOME way to make it work, right?
Every month it would tell me my period was coming a few days before it actually did. I still didn’t know when I should be sliding on the adult depends in order not to ruin yet ANOTHER pair of underwear, but I at least had some sort of idea- which is better than I was doing before I got the app and had absolutely no fucking idea- and I don’t like surprises y’all.
Every month i’d punch in my info, and every month it would tell me I was supposed to be starting on a certain day, that day would pass, and a few days later- BAM.
Yes, I do have to stop for a moment and say that i’m jealous of you chicks who have periods “like clockwork”- my uterus is such an evil bitch it would do just about ANYTHING to ruin even the tiniest bit of security I felt about its hi-jinx. And that’s exactly where I went wrong. DAMNIT.
After all this time, knowing the wacky shit my uterus pulls on a monthly basis, somehow this app got me to let down my guard. I got secure in that teeny tiny bit of knowledge I had come to rely on based on some computer software that couldn’t even get it right- and I got DOUBLE CROSSED!
All week i’ve been checking in on my app (What? i’m bad with dates and need reminders) trying to see when my pocket bloodhound thought the ball would be dropped. All week i’ve known the date was TODAY, and that that meant my period would probably be coming approximately 3-4 days after that- giving me just a itty bitty window to prepare myself to want to die for a week straight.
I’m not gonna lie, I may have even felt a little smug about my insider knowledge to my lady parts that had eluded me my entire life before I downloaded that app.
From my calculations, I figured that i’d have the weekend plug-free (although highly bloated) craving salty shit and shoving it all in my face only to get massive period shits on Monday and not feel so guilty anymore, y’know, since i’d have pooped it all out. Always smart to plan ahead, right?
And like the hateful cunty day-ruiner she is, Aunt Flo showed up last night right after dinner.
You know that feeling, ladies, like your water broke, only you’re not pregnant? Yeah it was that kind of feeling- and that’s when I knew the bitch had fooled me AGAIN.
AGAIN when I least expected it.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT??
Word to the wise: do not expect some rinky dink computer programming to be able to stand up against the forces of evil. Chances are, it will lose. Just look at Tron, had to implode that fucker from the inside out in order to survive. Don’t be like Tron.
@Julieannefiu I still sing WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE. I think they're lying about the "real" lyrics
I sang SO many embarrassingly wrong song lyrics with such confidence. pic.twitter.com/Ww5TaAxY3r
@AndreaPerez0217 Not that I'm biased, but I highly recommend ;) Hope you enjoy!
Parenthood: you think it's gonna be all hugs & booboo kisses, but it's really cooking food everyone hates & scraping boogers off of walls.
School system: Here! Have a half day on Friday the 13th! Me: pic.twitter.com/Dy18C8R3dD
Spooking the Kids Without Scarring them for LIFE With Netflix! (and a giveaway!) goo.gl/fb/tkeWgB
I've never felt more in tune with nature than while watching my 8yo barf in the front yard this morning like a wild animal. Such majesty.