Loading

Rachael Ray is a Fembot

Excuses cannot be made for me- I am a TV addict. If they put it on the fucking tube, I’m going to watch it (well, not ALL of it. Some of it sucks). Isn’t that what it’s there for? Can’t you just change the term “couch potato” to “Job security agent”? That works a hell of a lot better for me.

I am still pissed that one network that shall not be named snatched away my main nap fillers- my beloved soaps. Yeah yeah, other channels have them, it isn’t the same! Due to that, there is even LESS to watch during the daytime hours if I haven’t DVRed the fuck out of some primetime bullshizzle, so it seems more and more the TV is going off and i’m left to deal with the whining, screaming, bitching and complaining without any background noise to attempt to drown it out. Yeah, i’m picky about my background noise- so what?

I’m not an anal retentive helicoptering “i’m putting the parental control settings to the HIGHEST!” kind of mom, no not at all, but I also don’t want the kids cracking out on some stupid ass shit that has absolutely no education purpose whatsoever (y’know, other than when I NEED them to STFU. Then on comes the infernal yellow square).

After breakfast, I let the kids watch some Disney Jr, but by 10am i’m ready to go all spork crazy on a certain molestery-voiced mouse, so I have to find something else to actually sit down and be able to relax for a little while, coffee in hand.
If you’ve ever tried to watch TV at 10am, you know there is absolutely NOTHING on but some stupid ass talking heads blah blah blah about politics and the state of the economy- and if THAT isn’t a way to piss in your coffee I don’t know what is, so I avoid. All that’s left after that are talk shows. Sigh. Morning talk shows.

The only one of these monstrosities I can even slightly stomach is that of Rachael Ray. I don’t know what it is about her.. perhaps it’s how incredibly perky she is, or that raspy voice, or the fact that she can cook up the most delicious burger you have ever seen in your life in a couple of minutes. A cute little thang that can make every night a “30 minute meal”? How can you NOT love that (especially when she isn’t that other freaky Food Network chick with the GIANT head and tiny hands that reminds me of a T-rex and freaks me the fuck out).

Well that’s exactly what she WANTS you to think- because that teensy cute brunette with the raspy voice? She’s a FEMBOT. Hellbent on world domination starting with the Food Network, moving on to morning cable television, dog food, magazines… she is well on her way to taking us all down and forcing us into worshiping her like a demigod- and her newest target is CHILDREN.
That’s right- HIDE YO KIDS! RACHAEL RAY’S GOT MAC AND CHEESE BURGERS AND SHE’S COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN!


I am hoping that I noticed this sneaky takeover soon, and have saved my children from her evil masterful plans… but I can’t be sure.
After the Yummo Debacle of March 2012, I thought i’d nipped Holden’s habit of saying her obnoxious little catchphrases in the bud… but today, after I informed the child that we were out of bread and i’d be making him a turkey wrap instead, he replied with
“That sounds delish!”

I shot him the look of death, DELISH? I ask. Did you just say DELISH?
“Yes. It’s another way of saying yummy”
Well, DUH, I know what the fuck it MEANS- but WHY are you SAYING it? You are not a 40-something female host of a talk-show. You are not a stay at home mom who is obsessed with all things RR, or a teenage girl with a cellphone that decided to begin shortening words in REAL life instead of just while texting her stupid little fingers off., LIKE, OH EM GEE, THAT WORD IS TOTES COOL!
NO! Shut it up right this second.
You are a 4 year old boy… and you have been brainwashed. This must end! BEFORE he pops out with an EVOO.. that is when I will know it is over, and there is no longer hope for him, and he has been completely taken over by the raspy one.

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

  •  

2 Comments

  • OMG, you are so cra cra! That was totes adorbes!

    Gag me with a spoon…

    Rachel Ray makes me want to boil my brain. She’s so sickeningly adorable and sweet. It’s against my nature to like such things. (but I do…)

  • I ditto Melisa D.’s statement.

    But,
    HYSTERICAL!

    I say the word “shocker” a lot. Especially when it comes to things that we all SAW coming…

    Emry started saying SHOCKING! to everything now.

    I’m doomed.