A few years back, getting Holden to so much as even pick up a crayon and doodle in anything other than a coloring book was like pulling teeth. Scratch that, molars.
He had absolutely no interest, or maybe he just had no idea what the fuck this crazy woman was asking him to do. It doesn’t have lines! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COLOR THAT?
I thought for a long time that the kid just had absolutely no imagination whatsoever. The imagination fairy must have skipped him and given it to that psychotic brat who lived across the street- he clearly had it in spades if he thought his nasty little mouth would fly with me.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so my kid wouldn’t fucking draw me a picture. Seriously, JUST DRAW MOMMY A PICTURE SO THAT I MIGHT PHOTOGRAPH IT AND DO THE MOMMY THING BY POSTING IT ONLINE BECAUSE I
WANT TO SHOW IT OFF AM SO SO PROUD.
Yeah, no, just wasn’t gonna happen. Shit, he even went through a stage where the only thing he would color in coloring books was poop coming out of the characters asses. Yes. Really. He really did that.
He might know how to press every single one of my buttons simultaneously, have the back-sass ability of a teenage girl, and be a borderline asshole 6 out of 7 days of the week, but the kid isn’t dumb. The mommy in me wants to tell you that he’s actually really smart, but that’s not the point of this post.
The point is that it really friggin’ bugged me that the kid wouldn’t draw me a picture I could stick on the friggin’ fridge. JUST ONE.
What I didn’t know was that he seemed to be saving it up so that when he DID finally start the ‘typical kid doodling’, he would be able to go above and beyond the call of weird.
So yeah, he draws now. He draws a lot. But it’s weird. And by weird I mean hilarious. And by hilarious I mean really really random and acid-trip-ish. And he gets all assholey when you don’t know what it is that he’s drawn, because he likes you to guess. But he likes you to guess RIGHT, and a lot of times, there just is no guessing right- because of the acid-trip-ish-ness.
I may not be able to guess them, but they have the tendency to make me laugh so hard that I HAVE to photograph them. Plus he’s sort of an attention whore at the tender age of 4.5, so he insists I post them for the world to see.
Since he asked so nicely, I have decided to share them here. Like an online art gallery. Only by art, I mean… well.. you’ll see.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.