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My child, the artist

A few years back, getting Holden to so much as even pick up a crayon and doodle in anything other than a coloring book was like pulling teeth. Scratch that, molars.
He had absolutely no interest, or maybe he just had no idea what the fuck this crazy woman was asking him to do. It doesn’t have lines! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COLOR THAT?

I thought for a long time that the kid just had absolutely no imagination whatsoever. The imagination fairy must have skipped him and given it to that psychotic brat who lived across the street- he clearly had it in spades if he thought his nasty little mouth would fly with me.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so my kid wouldn’t fucking draw me a picture. Seriously, JUST DRAW MOMMY A PICTURE SO THAT I MIGHT PHOTOGRAPH IT AND DO THE MOMMY THING BY POSTING IT ONLINE BECAUSE I  WANT TO SHOW IT OFF AM SO SO PROUD. 
Yeah, no, just wasn’t gonna happen. Shit, he even went through a stage where the only thing he would color in coloring books was poop coming out of the characters asses. Yes. Really. He really did that.

He might know how to press every single one of my buttons simultaneously, have the back-sass ability of a teenage girl, and be a borderline asshole 6 out of 7 days of the week, but the kid isn’t dumb. The mommy in me wants to tell you that he’s actually really smart, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that it really friggin’ bugged me that the kid wouldn’t draw me a picture I could stick on the friggin’ fridge. JUST ONE.

What I didn’t know was that he seemed to be saving it up so that when he DID finally start the ‘typical kid doodling’, he would be able to go above and beyond the call of weird.

So yeah, he draws now. He draws a lot. But it’s weird. And by weird I mean hilarious. And by hilarious I mean really really random and acid-trip-ish. And he gets all assholey when you don’t know what it is that he’s drawn, because he likes you to guess. But he likes you to guess RIGHT, and a lot of times, there just is no guessing right- because of the acid-trip-ish-ness.
I may not be able to guess them, but they have the tendency to make me laugh so hard that I HAVE to photograph them. Plus he’s sort of an attention whore at the tender age of 4.5, so he insists I post them for the world to see.
Since he asked so nicely, I have decided to share them here. Like an online art gallery. Only by art, I mean… well.. you’ll see.

This is a portrait of me. Apparently I have a wild mountain man beard.
If you’re wondering if I ran to the mirror after this to make sure I wasn’t sprouting
chin pubes…. i’m not answering that.
I call this one “Nightmare Bob”- because the infernal yellow sponge may be the most annoying creation to ever be created… but this shit is downright freaky.
He says truck with wheels. I see two people wearing monogrammed shirts.
Spongebob. With a soda. Duh
Spongebob. On acid. YES he draws a lot of fucking Spongebob. ugh.
“It’s Perry the octopus and he’s mad at that guy”
“It’s a cat with the longest tail ever”
Mr. Krabs… after 30 hours of sleep deprivation. If Mr. Krabs really
looked like this, that rat bastard Plankton would never try to steal
the secret Krabby Patty formula.
……parmesan cheese

Cat on crack. I love the shankiness of its tail and that look in its eye like
it’s going to piss on everything you love.
Spongebob… Dancing? Or maybe taking a violent shit.
This is apparently me. In the morning. If he was referring to BEFORE coffee, 
well, then I wouldn’t be able to argue with this depiction at all.
I can’t wait for him to go to school. And it’s not totally because someone else will be forced to deal with hours of his shit… ok maybe it’s a lot of that- but REALLY, what i’m looking forward to is his schoolwork. If his drawings are any indication- i’m going to have to invest in one of those chair doohickeys that doubles as a toilet, because i’ll be pissing myself while sitting at the kitchen table going over his work.
Posted on May 20, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 7 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

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7 Comments

  • Oh my gosh!! His drawings with your captions had me laughing til I cried!!!! That is some funny shit! He is adorable by the way!

  • I feel for you my son refuses to draw me a picture and if I try to get him to he throws a temper tantrum like the world has never seen. Its daddy’s job to draw not his.

  • Omg the “cat with the longest tail ever” is TOO funny…idk but it just got to me and I got a GOOD and much needed laugh from it!!! Ahahaha!!!

  • Do not ever watch the episode of Spongebob with your boys where he creates something called “Doodlebob” unless you want to have nightmares of Holden’s drawings doing the same to you. Short version: the idiot sponge finds a magic pencil that he only realizes is magic when his self portrait comes to life. The stupid thing is exactly as psychotic as we adults know the original spongey freak to be, if not more so, and goes on a rampage. Let’s just say the DVD with that particular episode went missing almost immediately after my son’s first attempts at drawing Spongebob (and for good reason!)

  • I have seen this doodlebob you speak of many times- somehow it didn’t freak me out as much as other episodes!

    • Some message from as he’s called here “bob pants” are good messages. My newest favorite is the “gay is ok” where bob n pat “adopt” a clam and they are “married” its like southpark for children. Uses real life problems (sometimes) and puts them in an easily comprehended way.