Loading

MacGuyvering hoo-ha numbing spray

Having babies is hard. I mean PHYSICALLY having them. You know… forcing them down the birth canal and  out of your vagina? Or having them torn from your midsection? Yeah, that kind of physical (i’m sure that’s not what you meant, Olivia Newton John, but work with me here).
It’s a tough business, but somehow we manage through it… not always unscathed, mind you- but we at least come out the other side. Or they do.

I’m not going to sit here and whine about how I had the WORST BIRTHING EXPERIENCES EVER, OMG! But listen- they sucked.
The ending was pretty cool, but it’s the getting there that is the sucktacular part. With the worst being the double snip my hoo-ha got the first time, and the second time where the scar from the double skip ripped like an old soggy bandaid.
Did you cringe? My bad. Imagine how my vag feels.

You’d think, with the graphic depiction of vaginal tearing due to gigantic baby heads, that my doctors would take pity on my poor soul. You’d think wrong. Rat bastards.
Let me tell you how bad it’ll burn your bloody va-jay to get home from the hospital and suffer through sitz baths and trying to wipe stitches without anything to lessen the pain, and then hearing stories about how pretty much everyone else on the face of the planet who ever popped out a kid got pain killers. The good kind. Just not you.

Talk about a kick in the pants.

I guess the second time around, the hospital took pity on me. NO, they didn’t give me any drugs- but they did give me a numbing spray. Seemed slightly ridiculous to me at first- how in the holy hell is THIS going to help? But let me tell you. That little tin can quickly became my BFFL. Got after-birth poo fright? Spray that sucker down and you won’t feel a damn thing! Ran out of gigantic half pad half ice pack doodads? Give your swollen bits a good old fashioned spray down.

Once the pain relented, stitches dissolved, bits shrunk back down to normal size- I DID NOT MISS IT- but I did miss my fabulous little spray bottle. I guess it was kind of a nostalgia thing. Or Stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe just deep, pure, unadulterated admiration.
Go fig, you make someone’s vagina feel good and it forms an attachment to you. Hmmmm…

BUT- I didn’t have to get knocked up and blow out my vagina in order to see my beloved again, oh no! Have no fear y’all, because the hoo-ha spray is the McGuyver of sprays.

Kid falls down and scrapes their knee? HOO-HA SPRAY TO THE RESCUE! Of course, for them I changed the name to “boo-boo spray”- y’know.. why scar a kid for life if you don’t have to?
Irritate your hiney after an angry poo? HOO-HA SPRAY WILL SAVE THE DAY!
Terrible hideous can’t-even-fucking-touch-it-but-it-itches-SO-BAD leper like rashy sunburn? Two words… well.. maybe three, depending on how you look at it: HOO.HA.SPRAY.

Yeah, that’s right. I use a spray that was once solely for the purpose of vagina numbing on my kids booboos and my retched sunburn. Don’t judge!

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 16 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden

  •  

Categories

16 Comments

  • i got those icy pack things with ben but got nothing with madison… no ice pack… no spray… no pain meds…. jack shit!

  • OMG!! I just ran out of the can last summer!!! Used it for EVERYTHING!!! Don’t forget it works miracles on bugbites!!

  • They sell Dermoplast at Walgreens for 10.00! go get yourself some more!

  • When I was pregnant with Nicholas, I had 2 stretch marks that tore open, but only just enough to make you want to punch a unicorn. Got out that trusty can of Dermoplast and was a happy camper.

  • First, let me make you want to punch me by saying my first three kids came with no tearing whatsoever.. what that says about my hoo ha I don’t know.. I like to think I’m incredibly elastic.. anyway, I still got a can of wonder-spray every time 😀 Now let me tell you how kid number 4, the one that was supposed to be super easy, since you know, I’m a pro and all, made them slice me open from hip to hip like a freaking watermelon at a 4th of July picnic. Numbing spray was not going to cut it this time. He’s lucky he’s so freaking cute..

  • It also works great when you’re pissed at the hubs and spray his underwear with it. errrr….or so I’ve heard. 😉

  • OMG I love that stuff!!!!!! And I thought I was the only one calling it HooHa Spray! The.Best.Stuff.Ever.

  • i’M SO JEALOUS i WAS NEVER GIVEN ANY “BUG” SPRAY!!!!!NEVER HEARD OF IT I WAS TOLD TO YOU TUCKS AND A DONUT ! LMAO SOOO THE OVER THE COUNTER IS DERMABLAST? ( AND ITS OK TO YOU ON EVERYTHING COOOL BEANS

  • Dermoplast (but I like the BLAST in there, haha)

  • They gave you a spray? Is it maybe because you had an episiotomy? I’ve never had one with 3 births behind me, and I never got any awesome spray. Lorcet…maybe.

  • I don’t think it was because of that. I had 2 episiotomies the first go round and got not a damn thing but a baby 😉

  • I had 2 C-Sections and always wished I’d had “natural” births. Maybe not so much now! 😉

  • Sally’s Beauty Supply sells GiGi Numbing Spray. Supposed to be for before a bikini wax, but works for so much more! I even sprayed it on my infant son’s thighs before shots! I was always surprised the nurses never asked about the suddenly tropically scented exam room!

  • I pushed out a 9 pound 21 inch long baby toddler. The HOOHA SPRAY saved her dads life. I did not dare try to eat, sleep nor shit without spraying my slaughtered parts without reaching for my spray.

  • Where the hell was that when I had my kids 20 years ago!? My first was a forceps delivery, and the second had the cord around her neck. The nurse yelled to push and she popped out so fast she nearly knocked the doc over! 52 stitches with that one..

  • I had my daughter in October (my first) and tore. I was given the numbing spray, and it did nothing for me! I didn’t feel any difference. I was in pain for about 5 weeks 🙁
    I wonder why it didn’t help me…