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Explaining 2 to 4

It was never the grand plan to have children so close in age. In my not-yet-fried-non-mommy-brain, the perfect age gap was 5 years. And THAT was the plan. Not only would 5 years allow you to spend equal amounts of alone time with each kid, but you wouldn’t have the potential to have two in diapers at once, and the 5 year old would be old enough not to be a needy little turdface when the baby needed help. Hell, the 5 year old might even WANT to help! WINNING!

Yeah well, my fucking uterus had other plans. That bitch.

My children are almost exactly 2 years and 2 weeks apart. Not Irish Twins (9 months), but that’s probably because I refused to have sex for over TWICE as long as the 6 weeks recommended (trust me when I say, no one wanted to go near that angry thing any sooner than that). Had I let myself get poked, I guarantee that bitch of a uterus would have planted a baby in there.

I lucked out in that I didn’t really ever have 2 kids in diapers. Holden might have regressed into a pants shitting mess for a while after Parker came home (meeeeemories!), but I downright refused to put him back into diapers- but everything else I feared absolutely came true.

At the ages they are now- 4.5 and 2.5, they are worlds apart in levels of speech, comprehension, and asshole attitude- BUT- they are also very similar in those same exact ways. Does that even make sense? If you have kids these ages, or ever did, you probably understand.

You have the two year old- the man of few words- who is in the “THE ENTIRE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME!” stage of life. They know what sharing is, but think they shouldn’t have to do it. They are picky and sensitive about just about EVERYTHING. One day they like something, and the next if you put it near them they act like you’re trying to kill them. Indecisive, ornery, and sometimes downright mean.

And then there’s the four year old. Smart, but thinks they are a HELL of a lot smarter- even smarter than you. Sassy, sometimes to the point where you fear for your life once they hit teenage years. Easily frustrated, but eager to learn, which makes them think they’re that much smarter. They think they can do everything themselves, but will refuse to do the simplest task like putting on a velcro shoe. Oh, and did I mention BOSSY? Bossy as fuck. And unintentionally (8 times out of 10) rude.

While these two age personalities seem to have a lot in common, they are like oil and water.

The four year old will share with the two year old, but has an “exchange this for that” kind of mentality, which the two year old either does not understand, or will not support. Oh, you want what i’m playing with? Then give me what you’re playing with and we’re even. Two year old wants both, and refuses to relinquish once the four year old has already given up their toy.
Four year old tattles and cries because, well, it just isn’t fair, and the two year old screams when asked to make good on their deal.

It’s back and forth and back and forth all day every day. Every.single.day I find myself explaining to Holden that Parker just DOESN’T get it because he’s only two. For some reason, Holden sees him as his equal and therefore expects his mind to work in the exact same way. Yeah.. good luck with that, genius.
No matter how many times I have attempted to drill this into Holden’s head, it doesn’t change.
Is my name BIll Murray? Not that it wouldn’t be cool, but I wasn’t aware that I was living our Groundhog’s Day here. I mean, if I were going to choose a Bill Murray movie, it would definitely not be THAT one. I think I might go for Ghostbusters instead. Ghostbusters is the shit.

If I have to go over the fact that Holden cannot just “buy” a car from Parker for a penny and expect him to actually fork it over not just because it’s a total friggin’ rip-off, but because, DUH, HE’S TWO- ONE MORE TIME… well… I don’t know what i’ll do- as saying i’m going to lose my mind has really lost all impact since I realized that my mind is here to stay, even if it is constantly losing braincells…. but i’ll do something, damnit! And it will be evil, I can guarantee that.

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • I totally feel your pain! I claim to have lost my mind as well, but to be honest, I’m not really sure I ever HAD it! My kids are sixteen and eighteen months apart and I remember going through it with ALL of them. No one told me that three and four were so much worse than two! ESPECIALLY when they know as much as our eldest boys think they do! It DOES get better, I swear!