When people think ahead to parenthood, not a single soul on earth looks FORWARD to diapers. Not the cost, the brands you have to work through in a “trial and error” phase, and definitely not the content.
Never have I known a person to get all hyped on a shitty gravity defying loose bowels filled diaper.
WOOOO! CLEANING SHIT DIAPERS! I’M SO EXCITED!
Yeah.. no. Never. Never ever. And you can mumble under your breath that some people are into that shit (literally)- I don’t want to know! Ignorance is bliss, y’all.
You can also mumble under your breath about how different cloth diapers are, and once again- I tell you no. You’re still wiping shit off or out of SOMETHING because your little something won’t stop shitting itself, so no, ALL FORMS OF DIAPERS SUCK.
Can we move along now?
From the very first diaper change (which some will argue is the worst. Tar shits!) you ever make on your own child, you cannot wait for the very last one. It’s like a light at the end of the tunnel.
Think of how much more free time you’ll have if you’re not spending time cleaning up blowouts multiple times per day! Think of how (if you have a boy) you won’t have to worry about getting hit with the firehose ever again! Think of how you wont have to lug around a gigantic fucking diaper bag stocked with diapers and wipes and who in the hell knows what other random shit that only BABIES need! Think of how many fewer trips you’ll have to take to the dumpster with your breath held because the gigantic garbage bag full of dirty diapers smells like a rotting corpse! Think of all the things you can BUY with the money you’re not spending on something that will inevitably get covered in turd! FREEDOM!
And then, once that light is right beyond your reach, so close you can *shudder* taste it- something ALWAYS ruins it, and back you to go Shitty Pants City.
For me? For a LOT of people? Ahhh yes, it’s a sibling. A new baby! And a new baby means you start RIGHT back at the beginning of the journey to get the fuck out of diapers. And it will keep restarting until you stop poppin’ them suckers out. A vicious cycle, it is!
Chances are, i’m going to jinx myself just at the mere mention of the end of diapers in this house and my kid is going to empty gallons of urine into the couch (it IS the pissy couch after all), damning it to the junkyard once and for all- but i’m gonna say it:
Unless I hit my head REALLY fucking hard on some concrete and decide to go and get myself all sperminated- we are DONE with diapers.
Finally my child has decided that pissing himself as soon as he wakes up in the morning instead of walking, oh y’know, ACROSS THE HALL to the bathroom is likely not the wisest of ideas.
I applaud this notion, I encourage this notion… I wish this notion had come to him MONTHS ago… but I guess I can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Or would this be a gift diaper? Or a gift potty? Either way, the day has finally come that FOR NOW *knock on wood* I never have to look at another diaper again. No more stupid baby elmo, Blue or Magenta (did you know Blue is a GIRL? I still don’t believe it. So why isn’t Magenta a boy?) or Winnie the fucking Pooh. No more pulling out a brand new diaper and having the entire f’ing TAB rip off, rendering it useless. No more trying to convince the kid that wearing underwear to bed instead of a diaper is so much BETTER because, oh I don’t know,
I don’t want to buy them anymore your crotch won’t smell like funk and your balls will be able to breathe and GASP you’ll be a big boy!
What am I going to do now?
I’m going to go to Disney World!
No, wait.. already did that.
I think instead i’ll just sit back and hope this sticks. That seems like the safer option.
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