I have a bone to pick with all the old-fashioned sayings still floating around in modern day. Don’t give me that “well, a wise old man once said”– WHAT WISE OLD MAN? Are you SURE he was wise? How do you know? How do you know it wasn’t some nutbar smoking a pipe made of magic mushrooms after licking a frog’s ass?
“Didn’t your mother ever teach you…”- look my Mom taught me a lot of things, and it was also not to take advice from strangers, and I consider anything passed down from who the fuck knows who to who the fuck knows who has probably been twisted up and turned so many times that it doesn’t know its ass from its elbow. Didn’t YOU ever play the game of telephone? Aren’t you aware that something that starts out as “Jimmy likes red jellybeans” turns into “Jimmy snorts old monkey pee” by the time it gets to the last person?
Look, I know some of them are tried and true. Cheesy as hell, but true.
The grass is always greener on the other side? Yeah, shit you don’t have always looks better than what you do.
Don’t bite off more than you can chew? DUH, ’cause you’d choke. But really, Taking on more than you can handle is always a bad idea.
The early bird catches the worm? Mornings fucking suck, but this is true for yard sales. Wait until 11, and all the good stuff is gone and you’re left with used pantyhose and mom jeans.
I get it! Why balk at tradition? There is a reason these sayings get passed around like a 6-pack of beer at a Superbowl party- it’s because they work for a LOT of situations. That, and they’ve been pounded into our heads by parents, know it all relatives, and teachers from birth on, so we all have a bit of that “broken record syndrome” going on.
But hey, if it ain’t broke, why fix it- right? Not to mention that I think it makes the people that are constantly using these old fashioned sayings feel wiser or some shit. I think they are mistaken, but perhaps that’s just me.
Now, I don’t ever use these sayings personally (they just aren’t vulgar enough for me, what can I say?) they are still tossed at me, or popping up in my head whenever situations arise… and bugging the piss out of me.
Why? Because some of them make no fucking sense at all, and for some reason or another that annoys me.
“A penny saved is a penny earned” – What in the flying fuck does that even MEAN? Of course I earned the fucking penny if i’m saving it- unless you’re implying that I stole it. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY??
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too”- Hold the fuck UP. If I buy a cake, make a cake, steal a cake- if I HAVE a cake, why in the holy hell can’t I EAT it? What am I gonna do? Stare it to death?? I’m supposed to let it go bad because some old fucking saying that doesn’t make logical sense unless you’re highly irrationalizing (and yes, I realize it isn’t a word but i’m USING it damnit) or exaggerating the situation in which it pertains to because it’s not meant literally, says I can’t? I.don’t.think.so.
“Too many cooks spoil the broth”- So what you’re saying is that I have to do all of the cooking by myself? What the fuck ever happened to “Two heads are better than one”- HEY, you can’t have your cake and eat it too! BAZINGA! Make sense of THAT!
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”– Let’s be honest here, by a show of hands- who knows what this one is actually supposed to MEAN? Really? Who? You say this crap to me and i’m kicking you in the lady bits. Or the testicular sack. Whichever you happen to have.
“You are what you eat”- NO I AM NOT. I don’t eat humans. Cannibalism is frowned upon in this part of the world. I am also not a bowl of cereal and a glass of water. Or a piece of pizza. Or Ritz crackers. Who comes up with this shit?
“You can’t see the wood for the trees”– How can you NOT? Wood is MADE from trees? Arrrrggghhh(insert incoherent curse words being strung together at a rapid pace) grrrrrrrrrrrr!
And to think, all of this anger, this pure unadulterated hate for old fashioned proverbial sayings was born out of ONE:
“There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” Listen here, proverb; I have kids. We have to buy two different kinds of milk because of different needs- and it’d be THREE if I had my way. And do you know what? Milk is fucking EXPENSIVE. We consider it liquid gold. You spill a WHOLE glass of milk- god forbid onto upholstery or carpet- YEAH i’m gonna cry!(If not cry, at LEAST a hefty amount of bitching) Why? because I’m out a buttload of money AND my carpet/couch/blanket/shirt/pants is going to stink because we all know no matter how much you try to soak that shit up, you can never get it all. Are you going to buy me a steam cleaner, proverb? No? Then stop telling me what I should or should not be crying about!
Proverbs suck, y’all. Unless they’re from Confucius. Those I can dig.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times