Ladies, ladies ladies; this one’s for you.
How many times have you been out in public, doing your own thang, minding your own business- when you realize you have to pee. And this isn’t just any normal pee- it’s the kind of pee where no matter how many kegels you’ve done you just KNOW there is no holding it until you get home.
No one WANTS to use a public restroom. It’s just an unfortunate fact of life that sooner or later it’s going to happen and you just have to cross your fingers and pray to the stars in the sky that it isn’t absolutely disgusting.
There is nothing I find more uncomfortable than wanting to plop on the pot, relax, and relieve myself- only to shove open a bathroom stall to find that it either hasn’t been flushed, has pee and toilet water sprayed all over the seat, or just looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed.
Those are the seats you do NOT put your ass on. Well, either you don’t put your ass down or you pray the stall has those fancy cowboy hats to cover the seat that always end up falling in- or you clean it off your damn self (CRINGE).
Bathrooms like those are the reasons that the Hiney-Hover was invented. Brace yourself on the bathroom stall walls, get about an inch from the seat, and unleash the fury. Or if you have really strong thighs and no fear of falling IN the toilet you’re attempting to avoid- the No-Handed Hiney-Hover. I bow to thee, oh bearer of strong thighs.
Of course, with hovering, you always risk the back-splash effect. Sometimes you just can’t control how fast that stream is gonna fly and it comes back and gives your behind a lovely little shower. Don’t pretend it hasn’t happened to you.
Even worse than the icky-bathroom is the NO bathroom. Sometimes you just can’t find one, there isn’t one for miles- and holding it just to FIND an icky bathroom is not going to happen. You’ve tried sitting on your foot. You’ve tried rocking, wiggling- you gotta go, and you gotta go NOW. Time to suck it up and pee outside. This requires a lot more effort and much bigger lady-balls than the Hiney-Hover (unless you’re wearing a skirt, and then you’re golden). The outdoor-wee requires enough secrecy in order to not be arrested, and enough balance to be able to squat so that you don’t pee on yourself.
Seriously- all of the above sucks some majorly stinky ass.
Haven’t you ever thought to yourself “this would be SO much easier if I could pee standing up. Guys have all the fucking luck. Not only do they not have to blow out their crotch giving birth, but they don’t have to sit on some crusted up toilet seat to pee.”
Now, personally, I like stalls. Privacy and all that jazz- yanking out my ‘gina standing next to a bunch of other chicks with their ‘ginas out doesn’t sound like a fabulous time to me- but squatting gets a little old, y’know? I’m tired! My thighs are tired. My brain is tired of worrying about hoo-ha bugs. And my balance with my naked ass sticking out leaves a lot to be desired.
Due to all of that- I have scoured the interweb and found some possible solutions for those lookin’ to stop the squat.
Let’s take a gander at them shall we?
First off. The Female Urinal.
Yes, they DO exist. I don’t know WHERE, but they DO exist. Now- I would only suggest using this if you are
B) wearing a skirt
C) or not shy about everyone seeing you butt ass naked from the waist down.
If you’re wondering, yes, there is a roll of toilet paper so you don’t have to “drip dry”- but i’m not so sure how I feel about this contraption.
Come on up ladies, don’t be shy! Just straddle that there pee trough and give it a go!
Next up for your bladder’s consideration, something a tad more discreet- the
This one you take into a stall, and (I think) comes with a handy dandy carrying case. Yes, dearies, it’s reusable if you so choose. No more bracing against stall doors indoors or worrying about peeing on your shoes outdoors; no more wondering where the stream is gonna go (c’mon now, we know they can be willy-nilly) . No worrying about the hoo-ha bugs getting all up in your bidness or sitting on wet seats. I read that you can keep it in your pocket OR glove compartment (cue ooh’s and aah’s now)
Now, here’s my gripe- y’all. Not having to do a full-on squat is pretty damn cool- but what about splashing? I mean, I think dudes have it so easy because their dangle extends out a little farther than this would from our not-so-dangle. If you didn’t want your wee to splash back up all over the place- you’d have to straddle the pot and do a weird frog-looking vertical knee bend in order to make sure everything that’s going down is STAYING down. Distance from the water is an important factor to consider.
And if I want to reuse this jazz, because i’m a cheap ass bitch- what the hell are people going to think this is as I rinse it in the sink? Not that I give a flying fart in space what some other vagina thinks of me- but I DO wonder what that vagina will be thinking. And a nosy vagina will ask- would you be confident to tell them this handy dandy cutesy funnely looking little pink thing is what you use in order to avoid sitting when you pee?
THE FENIS –
yeah you read that right, the fucking FENIS. aka FEMALE PENIS. Y’know that gripe I had up above about just not having the little funny doodad long enough (like a peen) to not cause massive amounts of backsplash? Well, the FENIS takes care of that (cue applause)
Do not rub your eyes. You do not need to do a double take. This is for real. A female penis. With enough length to cure the back-splash woes, and a shape that means you don’t have to straddle the pot- you can literally pee LIKE A DUDE. And get this… it comes in all different colors… including glow in the dark.
Now, the GoGirl was one thing. I mean, you can get away with cleaning that thing out if you don’t want to toss it after one use- as the shape is discreet enough to lie if you so choose- but THIS? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS? Aren’t people going to think you’re in a public toilet masturbating? Holy mother of fuck I can just imagine the funny looks one would receive once they strutted their shit out of the stall and washed this dude in the sink.
No biggie, just washin’ the pee outta my Fenis.
This isn’t just some small-time “it’ll lose steam” internet fad. Oh no! I know some folks who swear by these… apparatuses… And these aren’t even the only ones! There are MANY more out there- something to er… fit everyone I suppose?
So which one tickles your pickle? Are you so sick of the Hiney-Hover, the squat and pray, the cowboy hat, and mucky unflushed public stalls that you’d be willing to try one of these out? Are you a urinal chick? A Fenis enthusiast? Do you yell YOU GO GIRL at the thought of peeing through a GoGirl?
Me? Well… I think i’m gonna stick to the tried and true method of coppin’ a squat. Not because i’m shy, or because i’m bashful- oh my how I would love to explain ANY of the above to a complete stranger as they stare in absolute disbelief- BUT- i’m cheap. And as much as I hate the hover- my thighs could use the workout.
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
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Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.