You don’t have to like kids to HAVE kids. There is no rule that says that you do, shit I know more people who have kids that HATE kids than those who loved them before popping one out. Those of us in touch with reality realize that children are not play things, they are HARD work. They are triple shifts on top of a full-time job. We love them, but they suck.
Shit, I STILL don’t like kids and I have 2 of them. Sure, I think mine are awesome…. most of the time– but the rest of the time? Well, they’re lucky I like to keep them around to blame them for farts or i’d be listing them on Craigslist to the lowest bidder.
I fully believe that if we are going to have children and raised them to be only a little bit fucked up- we should make it easy on ourselves by being prepared. As prepared as one can be for a screaming crotch weasel, that is.
So, what did I do? I made a list. Of all of the things you will need to like (or at least reasonably tolerate) in order to not lose your ever-loving mind with kids. And no, liking them isn’t on it- but i’m relatively sure it would help.
1. Backwash– to me this is one of the most disgusting things imaginable, and i’m just talking about my own. After having kids it has become commonplace. An every day occurrence. Every day the kids still my drink or INSIST on drinking it even after i’ve said no, and I find myself slurping back a mouthful of floaters. Children just cannot seem to grasp the concept of not regurgitating what’s already been in their mouth back into a glass. If you do not accept that this is an inevitability (even if you hide your glass, trust me, inevitable)- you will spend days yacking and dry heaving and screaming obscenities. Consider it like a game of dodgeball.
I have learned from experience not to even bother drinking the last few sips of my drink. Just dump it. One never knows what is lurking at the bottom of any cup in a house with children.
2. Sharing- It is a lesson we attempt to drive into the stubborn heads of youth from the moment they can reach out and touch something. SHARE! SHARING IS CARING! You had damn well better believe in this lesson for yourself though, because your spawn is going to want EVERYTHING you have. Even if it’s the same exact thing they have- they will want yours instead.
3. Poop- Unless you have a mass amount of younger siblings, you have no real bearing on just how much of someone elses shit you will have to deal with once you birth a child. Shit as far as the eye can see! For YEARS. And even once they are potty trained, there will be the occasional shit accident- which I can tell you from experience is a hell of a lot worse than cleaning up a contained shitty diaper. You don’t have to learn to love it- who the fuck loves POOP???- but learning to laugh at it will add years back to your life.
4. Short Order Cooking- You may have never had a single desire to ever work in a kitchen, and your aspirations may have been the opposite of manning the grill at Burger King where you can “Have it Your Way”- but once you have kids, prepare. We don’t all get blessed with human trash compactors, and it’s more likely that you will frequently get a look of absolute disgust when you offer up dinner to your bundle of joy. Like it or not, you probably won’t let them go to bed hungry- so it’s off to the kitchen for you to start all over again.
It’s frowned upon to spit in your kid’s food as i’m sure a lot of cooks and waiters do to asshole customers- so it’s better just to accept it.
5. The smell of rancid milk- Your precious perfect baby is actually a yogurt factory- didn’t you know? Underneath those rolls that you love to squeeze and kiss on… is milk, rotting. Once they grow into their rolls, it becomes the battle of the sippy cup. Left out for who in the hell knows how long. Just think, if you ever become a CSI, the smell of rotting flesh won’t seem so bad comparatively (I kid, of course), OR, you could start up your own health food business.
6. Tiny infuriating buttons- Well, they can’t fucking do it themselves, now can they?? Even more fun is the bonus you get unsnapping the crotch ones after a giant blowout!
7. Getting wet while fully clothed- Don’t be dirty closet perv- these are kids we’re talking about here. When you give a child a bath, be prepared to get soaked. If they’re drinking a beverage? Be prepared to be sprayed. Oh, and watch out for a stray tongue, because those little turds love to lick.
Pretend you’re at a water park. Spit might smell different than pee, but they both suck.
8. Missing items.- No, they aren’t interested in taking things that are worthless to you, that you never use and wouldn’t even notice are missing- they take the shit that you NEED. Car keys? Poof, vanished right before you need to get the hell out of the house for an appointment you can’t miss. Cell phone? Gone right as you need to make a phonecall. Remote? yeah, you’re not getting that channel off that Dora bitch.
Consider it like the most epic game of hide and seek you’ve ever played, against an evil genius.
Follow the above advice and… well… I can’t promise you WON’T go insane, but at least you’ll take a little longer to get there, and that’s something, right?
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