Things you must like in order to not go insane during parenthood.

You don’t have to like kids to HAVE kids. There is no rule that says that you do, shit I know more people who have kids that HATE kids than those who loved them before popping one out. Those of us in touch with reality realize that children are not play things, they are HARD work. They are triple shifts on top of a full-time job. We love them, but they suck.
Shit, I STILL don’t like kids and I have 2 of them. Sure, I think mine are awesome…. most of the time– but the rest of the time? Well, they’re lucky I like to keep them around to blame them for farts or i’d be listing them on Craigslist to the lowest bidder.

I fully believe that if we are going to have children and raised them to be only a little bit fucked up- we should make it easy on ourselves by being prepared. As prepared as one can be for a screaming crotch weasel, that is.

So, what did I do? I made a list. Of all of the things you will need to like (or at least reasonably tolerate) in order to not lose your ever-loving mind with kids. And no, liking them isn’t on it- but i’m relatively sure it would help.

1. Backwash– to me this is one of the most disgusting things imaginable, and i’m just talking about my own. After having kids it has become commonplace. An every day occurrence. Every day the kids still my drink or INSIST on drinking it even after i’ve said no, and I find myself slurping back a mouthful of floaters. Children just cannot seem to grasp the concept of not regurgitating what’s already been in their mouth back into a glass. If you do not accept that this is an inevitability (even if you hide your glass, trust me, inevitable)- you will spend days yacking and dry heaving and screaming obscenities. Consider it like a game of dodgeball.
I have learned from experience not to even bother drinking the last few sips of my drink. Just dump it. One never knows what is lurking at the bottom of any cup in a house with children.

2. Sharing- It is a lesson we attempt to drive into the stubborn heads of youth from the moment they can reach out and touch something. SHARE! SHARING IS CARING! You had damn well better believe in this lesson for yourself though, because your spawn is going to want EVERYTHING you have. Even if it’s the same exact thing they have- they will want yours instead.

3. Poop- Unless you have a mass amount of younger siblings, you have no real bearing on just how much of someone elses shit you will have to deal with once you birth a child. Shit as far as the eye can see! For YEARS. And even once they are potty trained, there will be the occasional shit accident- which I can tell you from experience is a hell of a lot worse than cleaning up a contained shitty diaper. You don’t have to learn to love it- who the fuck loves POOP???- but learning to laugh at it will add years back to your life.

4. Short Order Cooking- You may have never had a single desire to ever work in a kitchen, and your aspirations may have been the opposite of manning the grill at Burger King where you can “Have it Your Way”- but once you have kids, prepare. We don’t all get blessed with human trash compactors, and it’s more likely that you will frequently get a look of absolute disgust when you offer up dinner to your bundle of joy. Like it or not, you probably won’t let them go to bed hungry- so it’s off to the kitchen for you to start all over again.
It’s frowned upon to spit in your kid’s food as i’m sure a lot of cooks and waiters do to asshole customers- so it’s better just to accept it.

5. The smell of rancid milk- Your precious perfect baby is actually a yogurt factory- didn’t you know? Underneath those rolls that you love to squeeze and kiss on… is milk, rotting.  Once they grow into their rolls, it becomes the battle of the sippy cup. Left out for who in the hell knows how long. Just think, if you ever become a CSI, the smell of rotting flesh won’t seem so bad comparatively (I kid, of course), OR, you could start up your own health food business.

6. Tiny infuriating buttons- Well, they can’t fucking do it themselves, now can they?? Even more fun is the bonus you get unsnapping the crotch ones after a giant blowout!

7. Getting wet while fully clothed- Don’t be dirty closet perv- these are kids we’re talking about here. When you give a child a bath, be prepared to get soaked. If they’re drinking a beverage? Be prepared to be sprayed. Oh, and watch out for a stray tongue, because those little turds love to lick.
Pretend you’re at a water park. Spit might smell different than pee, but they both suck.

8. Missing items.-  No, they aren’t interested in taking things that are worthless to you, that you never use and wouldn’t even notice are missing- they take the shit that you NEED. Car keys? Poof, vanished right before you need to get the hell out of the house for an appointment you can’t miss. Cell phone? Gone right as you need to make a phonecall. Remote? yeah, you’re not getting that channel off that Dora bitch.
Consider it like the most epic game of hide and seek you’ve ever played, against an evil genius.

Follow the above advice and… well… I can’t promise you WON’T go insane, but at least you’ll take a little longer to get there, and that’s something, right?

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 19 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Haha, so true! My two year old found a cup of “yogurt” in one of his toy boxes the other day. That cup has been missing for a loooooong time. The only one I don’t agree with is the backwash. I’ll drink my fill of whatever, then they can have the cup. I can’t drink floaters. :/

  • I want to print this out and hand it out at weddings.

  • Oh the drink snatchers! My oldest never bothered my drink, and I thought “hu, them other moms didn’t know what they were talking about”. Then along came the drink snatchers, these others are the drink snatchers from hell! They will run, sneak, hide, and climb just to get my damn drink!! Why is our things always so much better than theirs?

  • LOVE THIS!!! I keep trying to explain these to my hubby…maybe the way you put it will work better…lmao…I LOVE your blogs and posts!!!! You make me feel like I’m not TOTALLY freaking insane….

  • Love the blog. All points are true, BUT after 20 years in the kitchen, I have never myself, nor seen someone actually spit in someone’s meal. We all talk about it, but the people I’ve been lucky enough to work with wouldn’t dare… As a chef, no matter what I think of you (the customer), the food will not suffer for it.

  • I waited many a table and delivered many a pizza and never intentionally messed with someone’s food. but I still found Waiting hilarious and reference it whenever and however possible 🙂

  • These should be put in some kind of new and improved “what to expect when you’re expecting” type of manual. THANK YOU for leaving out boogers. If there is one thing that turns my stomach it’s watching a kid dig for them and then eat them. Grrrr… I try to stop my own kids from doing it (usually unsuccessfully), but I cannot stop another kid from doing it. Your blog rocks!

  • Lmao…love it. Sooo true! But keeping in line with the previous comment, boogers & snot should def be added to the list. Not only the utterly disgusting nose pick then lick the finger ((mini hurl)) sorry bout that. But also the fact that for some damn dumb reason ten year and five kids later I still have yet to figure out, little ones like to use mommy as a Kleenex!!

  • This is so funny and so true!!!!

    The worst was finding a sippy cup of milk stashed in the bottom of a toy box…

    Needless to say.
    Thank god for outside garbage containers… and febreeze.

  • I once found a bottle under the car seat a year after all the others had been tossed. Solid black, crusty and still a litle liquid in there. I was afraid to open it for fear of kick-starting the zombie apocalypse!!

  • Don’t forget imitating everything you wish they wouldn’t and little of what you pray they pick up from your shining example. Love veggies and want your kid to enjoy them too? Nope. Look both ways religiously before crossing a street? Not happening. Brush their teeth in a way that would satisfy even the dentist? Not a chance! Drop a single F-Bomb in front of Junior and gues what is his new favorite word…not only does he continue to say it repeatedly but in front of te worst audiences. Getting ready and don’t want your littke “angel” to play with Mommy’s earrings? Guess what is now not only irresistable to your crotch fruit but in an act of imitation (sabotage?) tries them on then cant figure out how to get the perfect pearl studs back OUT of her ear canal because thats how she “wore” it, having no earring holes to put it in yet. (yes, this actually happened, and yes, it did necessitate an emergency visit to the specialist. My mom missed her meeting that night and 20 years later I am still stopped in Kaiser by the senior members of staff to say to their friends “This was the little girl I told you about, the one I use STILL as the example to my classes as to why we need things like ear sized vacuums!”)

  • This will never be me but when I know one of my friends is expecting a child this will be given to them!

  • Love this! Growing up at my house, it was never safe to pick up my moms cup and get a sip…tried it once and got a mouthful of Jack Daniels and coke! I was about 7 yrs old and that broke me from doing the steal & sip ever again : )

  • Omg! I about peed my pants i was laughing so hard at this because it is all fucking TRUE!!!! Thank you for keeping it realistic with a huge twist of dark humor. You just made my night… lol

  • Omg, A Worker Bee, you had me laughing! But seriously, I feel like if I take a sip RIGHT after my daughter has had her sip, then I can tolerate it. But I usually just end up with another drink. :/
    I’m also terrified that when she comes up to me with her mouth that she’s gonna bite. Licking I can handle, but not the biting.

    Thanks for writing an awesome blog that gets me laughing!

  • I’ve read this and commented, but I have an appointment on the 29th with a GYN regarding sterilization, because at the age of 27, I’ve never wanted kids and still don’t so I think it’s safe to say I AM GOOD with never having them!

  • I love your sense of humor, and I’ve got to say you either started real young or were an only child. 🙂 We don’t share cups and we don’t eat off each other’s plate. Food/drink only in the kitchen is the rule so it’s a special treat when broken. We had to consciously look for things with buttons because we got so programmed to buying clothes with snaps. Short-order cook nails it though. My kids are on the autism spectrum. I’ve always prepared three different meals at each sitting.

  • Cold, tiny feet or a head in the middle of your back, in the middle of the night. Unless you’re lucky like the hub, who faced toward the middle of the bed. Crotchfruit was never a more appropriate word.