Things children should not do if they want to live to be a tween

Occasionally I get urges to make lists. I don’t consider myself an organized person by any stretch of the imagination- but the only way I think I survive each day without being suffocated by endless amounts of laundry, running out of food and starving to death, or having to wrap my kid in a MacGyvered diaper made out of paper towels and cotton swabs overnight, is to make lists.

Laundry lists, shit that needs to get done lists, shit i’ve been avoiding for forever and this is the third time they’ve been on them lists, grocery lists, wishful thinking grocery lists. Things we need but can’t afford, things we can afford but don’t need, things for Thomas to do that I refuse to, lists of dinners I think I can make but can’t, lists of lists I need to make.
Alright, not that last one- but I think you get the point. There’s a lot of fucking listing going on in this bitch.

My favorite lists to make, though (because they make me far less stabby than ones that detail what I need to be blowing money on or wasting time scrubbing crusty pee off of) are lists to help others. And by help, I mean prevent them from getting stabbed in the throat with a shank fashioned out of an old toothbrush.
WHAT?! It’s important business, trust me!

I’ve made lists about what men will never- but should- understand about women, which hopefully taught some penis wielders a lesson or two (which in turn should get them laid more, just sayin’)
I’ve made lists about what you should really expect while expecting, and the not so pretty things you should expect afterward. I think at one time or another I even made a list of the different colors and consistencies of baby shit- these are things we parents need to know and to expect. Or we’ll shank ourselves with our toothbrushian friend when we’re surprised with something green, seedy, and wreaking of roadkill on a hot summer day.

Over the weekend, I threatened to seriously maim my child and I absolutely positively MEANT IT. SO I thought this newest list should be for the kiddos- even though I know they either won’t give a flying fart in space or just won’t understand enough to care- Of things NOT TO DO TO YOUR MOTHER to make sure they survive at least until their tween years. Once you hit that stage, I can’t fucking help you. Not sure I want to- assholes.
So, if you’d like to live long enough to be laughed at for having your voice crack, or that awesome moment where you start your period and realize life as you know it is over- take this list to heart. If you’re a parent and obviously well past this point- smile and nod, because you know this shit is fact.

1. Don’t play with mommy’s chick-arm

It’s bad e-fucking-nough that as we get older, if we women don’t do asinine amounts of pushups, arm curls, weight lifting and whatever the fuck else there is to do to keep our stupid arms in shape- that the skin on the bottom will get loose and jiggle around like meat falling off of a bone- but we don’t need ANYONE pointing it out and making us even more aware of it. WE KNOW IT’S THERE. We wish it wasn’t- we’d rather wear long sleeves in 100 degree weather than have someone point it out. Shit, mine isn’t even bad and now I feel like I need to go have it surgically removed.
And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER get it into your cracked out little head that it’s a good idea to reach out and play with it. You might pull back a stump.

2. Do not criticize, make fun of, or spit out mommy’s home-cooked food.
You will starve. Ingrate.

3. Do not poke mommy in ANY soft spot, or ever use the word “fat” to describe anything. No, not even boobs, and especially not in public.
Keep in mind, the reason anything on us is “fat” likely has something to do with growing your little ass inside of us for 9 damn months, so maybe instead of teasing about how big mommy’s ass is- you should be saving up your allowance to buy us liposuction.


4. Do not ask awkward questions about mommy’s lady bits
Look, we KNOW you’re curious. Whether you have the same parts or not, vaginas are fucking weird. We aren’t denying that- but really, stop looking. It’s not our fault you won’t let us so much as take a PISS alone, but if you’re going to force us to change in front of you- keep your damn comments to yourself. No woman wants to be asked why she has a “weird pecker”

5. Do not skip nap time
We don’t care if you don’t like it, if you think you’re too old for it, or even if you whine for an hour about how you’re NOT TIRED- you will take a damn nap, because we deserve the mental break from your incessant shenanigans. And because if you don’t nap you’ll be a total asshole by dinner time, which is majorly deserving of being put up for adoption. And you sure as shit had better not spend the time you could be in a peaceful slumber kicking the walls of your bedroom and singing instead. That would call for the immediate listing of you on Craigslist to the lowest bidder.

Heed these warnings, little spawns of the earth, and it will increase your life expectancy tenfold… well really, it will just increase ours (the moms)- and isn’t that what it’s all about anyway??

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Yes! Just today, my 4 year old said I was just “a little fat”. Thanks. A. Lot.

  • My almost 5 yr old asked me if my tummy was getting bigger today…I was stunned!!! This blog cracked me up, thanks for the much needed laugh!

  • I agree with all you said especially about the nap time. My 2 year old takes a nap everyday whether she is tired or not.. I need my break even if its only an hour.

  • My son asked me if I was pregnant the other day.
    Because I had a fat belly.

    (I just lost 20 lbs by the way, and am officially a “healthy” BMI)

    I swear…
    I almost dunked him under the water in the bathtub.

  • I’ve lost so much weight recently (big diet+fragile welshman=lotsa running round) that my own Little Prince told me that I can’t lose any more weight cos “God made you squishy so your boobies would be a good pillow when we cuddle” and id make god cross. But then again, he also claimed that “God made me this way” when I asked how he still had felt tip fingers after 45mins in the bath so judge accordingly lol