Picture this: it’s the wee hours of the morning. The sun has yet to rise, and you are aching to sleep for at LEAST three more hours, but you have to pee so bad you can’t contain it any longer.
Still, you’re less than half awake, so even though you manage to crawl out of bed, the thought of turning any kind of light on to guide your way seems like the worst idea on the face of the earth- so you’re going in blind.
You follow the familiar path to the bathroom, make your way to the toilet, drop trou, and plop down in hopes of sweet, sweet relief- only your plop is MUCH farther down than you expect, and suddenly you realize your fucking ass is soaked and you are IN THE TOILET because SOMEONE left the mother-badword seat up. And you know GOOD AND WELL it wasn’t you.
It’s bad enough that your rear is now saturated in toilet water (HOPEFULLY clean, but you never freakin’ know), but now you have been shocked into a fully awake state and are out for blood.
The above situation has happened to me more times than I care to count (because along with it being infuriating, it is also REALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSING to fall into the toilet)- not just when half awake, but when in a rush and not watching exactly where my ass is going. That damn toilet seat is ALWAYS up.
While I realize that I do in fact have three humans in this house with penises, the blame always falls on the biggest dick of the bunch: the husband.
Shame shame shame on me for blaming him! But is it really so wrong?
I know that I did the majority of the potty training, but when it came to learning to pee standing up- and especially learning to aim- that all fell on Daddy. Being that I am the only one under this roof without a penis, I am wholly and horribly inexperienced when it comes to a penis’ functionality in the bathroom. I have attempted, many a time, to help a little one aim… it never gets any less weird, and I had NO damn idea the thing goes so fucking haywire. Sitting down to pee might suck in public restroom situations, but at least we know it will always go DOWN.
Just like I would never expect him, if we had a daughter, to teach her about menstrual cycles, shark week and all the ins and outs of attempting to plug a hole that bleeds for a week out of every single month- isn’t it a man’s job to teach a little man not to leave the toilet seat up or mommy in her perpetually exhausted state will FALL THE FUCK IN?
It would seem that the good old saying “when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME” holds true, even after all these years- only, the only thing really being made an ass out of is mine. And the toilet.
Is it such a novel concept these days to PUT THE SEAT DOWN after you’re done spraying piss all over the back of the toilet that I was inevitably be the one to have to clean up? Is it doing me TOO much of a damn favor to make it so I don’t have to spot myself before taking a seat? I thought we’d moved past all the caveman grunting “me man, you woman” bullshit- but perhaps this whole toilet seat mystery is a trait ingrained in the Y chromosome.
Listen, men of the world- it’s an unspoken rule. Common Courtesy. Or maybe even consider it a life-saving technique so your lady doesn’t go all Lorena Bobbit on your disco stick after getting an unwanted dip into piss water-
If there is a female in your house- PUT THE DAMN SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU’RE DONE URINATING. And if you’re too damn lazy to even put the seat UP in the first place- wipe your fucking piss trickles off of the seat- we don’t want to sit on that either.
This has been a public safety message.
Every. Single. Time. pic.twitter.com/aAAWWjdrN3
I'm either "I HAVE 3 FRIES LEFT DON'T TOUCH MY PLATE!" or "Please take this so I can't eat any more of it!" There is no in-between.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.