Public Pooping with a Partner

Since the beginning of time… actually, just the beginning of potty training- it’s been commonplace to bring  one of the kids to the bathroom with me.
Clearly, when they’re young, you can’t just leave them by their lonesome when you gotta go- and personally i’ve never been comfortable having them stand OUTSIDE the stall while i’m doing my business- so i’ve become accustomed to the close quarters of a tiny bathroom stall filled with two or more bodies. It’s a damn good thing I don’t get stage fright.

Never did I think in all my years that my #1s and 2s would become family events- but sometimes you just have to accept your fate and roll with it- so roll with it I did.
Over these years of ‘rolling with it’- I noticed an embarrassing little trend that would occur during these family bathroom stall pow-wows.

Even more exciting than coming with mommy to the bathroom, was what mommy was putting into the toilet in the bathroom. ENTHRALLING Discovery Channel level interest on what may have been coming out of me.

Having to take a shit in public is bad enough- the fear that people will hear you, laugh at you, gag at the horrendous smell or that all eyes will be ON you once you exit the stall you just blew up. The problem is: when you gotta go you gotta GO and it doesn’t matter where you are or how many people are occupying the bathroom with you. The option is shit with people around, or shit your pants. Which would you choose?
When you add a child to this equation, a child who is incredibly interested in the crime scene you’re creating in the toilet and has absolutely NO filter… well, that’s when things get complicated.

It can be slightly simple, depending on the power of the mud-butt you are experiencing, to keep it a secret from those around you. There’s the “fake cough when i’m sharting” cover-up, the “only releasing bowels as another toilet flushes” trick, and the trusted “safety flush” method.

NONE OF THESE WORK when you have an obnoxious breathing turd standing next to you who hears the rapid machine gun fire over all of these slights of hand and announces, as loudly as humanly possible:

If ever there was a moment you reconsidered your decision to ever procreate- that would be it. The entire restroom goes silent, except for someone attempting to hold back their fit of laughter and failing miserably- and you’re left wanting to cry into the toilet, and refusing to leave the stall until you are POSITIVE everyone who overheard this tragic event has vacated (maybe the smell was good for something after all).

Even if they somehow manage to distract themselves while you’re destroying the toilet- the moment you stand up you suddenly hear this evil little voice announce “IS THAT DOODOO???”- and there’s no way i’m staying seated while a public toilet flushes and sprays shit water all over my ass. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Really, no matter which way you go– you’re fucked!

The above examples have happened to me SO MANY TIMES that starting yesterday, I forbade Holden from speaking while I am evacuating my colon or immediately following. What can I say, some alcoholic drinks the night before, sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast mixed with a HOT day at a theme park and my ass was ANGRY. Although I attempted to convince the child he did not need to accompany me to the bathroom, as it is really NOT the fun time he’s certain that it is- he would not relent.
the rest went a little something like this: DON’T SAY A DAMN WORD! NO! SHH! SSHHHHH! I SAID SHH!
But mommy… why can’t I..

He seemed perplexed. He does not realize he has a loud embarrassing mouth- and I was most certainly not going to tell him that I didn’t want him talking about my POOP out loud or the reaction he’d have I am POSITIVE would be:

There is not much that has me looking forward to my babies growing up- but getting out of the stage of finding Mommy taking a shit to be fascinating and in need of a full throated announcement to strangers? Uhhh yeah, I cant fucking wait until that’s over with. Then I can maybe, possibly, FINALLY shit in peace… or at least shit in secret.

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Holdin' Holden 16 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I fucking love you. lmfao!!

  • Yeah, had to take mine into a a gas station bathroom and when we came out she yelled to me and everyone else paying for gas ” Great Job doing a poo, Mommy!” Yeah, thanks asshole…is what I was thinking ” Shhhh” is what I said.

  • So when I was young like 3ish I was in the bathroom with my Nana. It was at a very public rest stop. As she is finishing I say “Nana that lady farted!!!” lol Karma she is a bitch isnt she!? Because I have had that EXACT conversation with my boys in public.

  • haha..we have all been there most just wont talk aboit it! I love that you do.Jack told everyone waiting in line at Sea Wrold that “mommy peepeed on the potty”

  • Ahhh! Love it! At least I’m not alone. I usually have to take my 3 and 5 year old boys to the bathroom with me in public and they like to have a fucking debate about what mommy is doing on the damn toilet. One says going poo, the other says no she’s going pee.. the other says no she’s not cuz she doesn’t have a weewee so she can’t go pee she has to go poo.. the whole time I’m just sitting there fucking dying.

  • Not only do kids have extremely loud voices, but it seems that the “designers” of public restrooms made them so every little noise, including a whisper is amplified to shouting level. So I know how you feel. Luckily my child is now 14 and we can both “go” in peace!!

  • oh man, have I EVER been there! I’m pretty sure I’d buckle under the pressure were I not to have an audience during my daily #2. Very funny, relatable post!

  • The rule with munchkin is that she has to face the door and not talk. She was about 2 or 3 when she loudly asked “mommy what’s that thing you took out of your bag? Does it go in your butt? I wanted to do on the spot, because it was a full bathroom.

  • I got the joy just tonite at work to be on the other end of this conversation. I was at work, ran to the bathroom to pee real quick, and there was a lady in there in the stall with her child…who was doing the same – announcing to the world what the poor woman was doing. I could hear her pleading with the child (in a whisper) to please stop talking….WHY? WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO TALK? ARE YOU ALMOST DONE?…..I was the only one in there, so I hurried up – washed my hands and got out of there to try to save her some embarassment….then I come home to this blog….priceless.

  • Yes I to have been there. My daughter and I were in Walmart the other day when we get the damn buggy with the screwed up wheels….. Whatever I’m thinking “well be in and out, no biggie.” we’ll the Buggie made a godawful noise and my 3 year old announces to all 20 people on isle 12…. “Mommy!!! Don’t poop in your panties!!! You need to use the potty!! Or did you just toot???” IT WAS THE DAMN BUGGIE!!!!! Ah the joys of parenthood 🙂

  • I can solve all your problems, ladies (if you don’t have noisy one going on)………wad up a enough TP to place in the toilet so when you go, you on it and not splash in the water 🙂 Works every time!

  • After reading this, I’m so glad that I somehow got to the point where my childerbeasts are 7.5 and 8.5, and only just figured out this year that I shit just like them. They’re still not entirely convinced, but they now suspect it.

  • This is absolutely hilarious! I have three kids; 1, 4, and, 6. Recently, anytime I fart my youngest says ewwww….mama and proceeds to check my “diaper” lol. As my older two yell”mommy farted.” Fun times. I love reading your blog.

  • i can honestly say the worst that has happened was at my moms and he INSISTED on going to bathroom with me and it was thanksgiving so my moms house was FULL of people and as i sit there doing my business he shouts shooooooooo stinky mommy! he likes to say that even when im not doing that! the joys of parenthood lol oh i dont use public restrooms my OCD wont allow it lmao

  • I recently had surgery and have a very difficult time doing the doo. My three-year-old twin girls have never said anything pior to the day I’m about to talk about.

    We were at church and I felt the urge to go, so I asked my girls, for PT purposes, if they wanted to go. Why not? They’re always so well behaved and never talk or freak out at the flushes. As I’m sitting there, I realized it wasn’t going to happen. Figures. As I tell my girls, “Okay, mommy’s all done.” And a group of women come into the bathroom, my twins excitedly cheer, “Come on, mommy! One hard push! You can poop! Good try, mommy!” As the women outside the stall know my twins, all started cheering too. “Come on, mommy! You can doo it!” And cracked up laughing. Jerks. lol